Confusion

Yesterday I must have had a dud OPK because it didn't work - the whole strip was washed out blue when I took it out of the digital reader...not cool. Normally I would just use another strip but I only have one left and my new strips only get delivered today or tomorrow so I dint want to chance missing my surge. Because of this I told DH we just simply just HAD to DTD just in case. Needless to say he very willingly obliged. No surprise there.

My temp had a big dip yesterday morning but I think that is perhaps because I had a really awful nights sleep. I was so restless and just tossed and turned the whole night waking up to a temp of 96.6...very low. My temp this morning was 97.0 which is my cover line usually so who knows what is going on.

I was REALLY REALLY REALLY hoping to get a positive HPT before I had to plaster a smile on my face at a baby shower this next weekend but it looks like no such luck. Part of me is wondering if I perhaps missed my surge...and if I did then I am definitely NOT pregnant because my temps have not stayed above the cover line. Last cycle I OV at CD31 so who knows what is going on....CD23 today and waiting, waiting, waiting. Just really praying this is not an anovulatory cycle. That would be a HUGE bummer. I know that happens sometimes after a miscarriage but that would be seriously devastating.

I am actually really looking forward to this evening...I have a much needed girls night with my mom as DH is working late. We are going to dinner and then the movies to see "The Vow". No lies, I will cry. I can't remember what was on the other day but it was hardly emotional and I could just feel the tears surfacing... I have turned into a psycho emotional lady apparently...lol.

My chart says a possible start of AF on the 11th (just freaking perfect...the DAY of the baby shower)...if that is indeed true and I have not ovulated yet but will that means that I will have a very short lutal phase or I just missed ovulation all together. I really wish there was some easier way to know what was going on "down there". 

I really wish I had been one of those lucky women who the MC actually regulated their cycle back to a close 28 days. But no. not even close. I am still searching for that silver lining to one of the most devastating days of my life.

Puke Green Is Not A Color

Yesterday DH painted the kitchen. It was supposed to be this nice soft green but needless to say...it did...umm...not turn out the way we had pictured. The color on the swatch definitely does not translate well into the space. Darn. Back to the drawing board on that one. At least we know the other colors we picked out will work ...you really cant go wrong with beige... Getting the house ready for sale is sure a huge job.

I swear my cervix is playing tricks on me. EWCM with SHOW but nothing...I test again in a little bit a hopefully that will yield different results. It is certainly getting super annoying trying to time BD with a long wonky cycle.
As for TV land I am REALLY enjoying the new series "Smash". It is right up my alley! It is about time something like this came up. I am seriously so tired of shows like Survivor and to be quite honest The Bachelor is giving me grey hairs, lol. I swear, every time he gives Courtney a rose another little piece of me dies... DH thinks I am so lame for watching but it is like a train wreck...I seriously cannot stop watching!

It just dawned on me that this Saturday DH and I have been married for 6 months. Wow, that went by super fast! We also made a decision the other day to take a vacation to our honeymoon spot late next year. Yay! As with most things life goes on and it is good to know that there are certainly some really great things for us to be looking forward to. Now if I could just stop stressing about TTC...way easier said then done...

Just Another Day

I have nothing to report. Seriously, nothing. This weekend came and went without any ovulation or even hint of it. Although I was hopeful... who are we kidding? Cooperation of bodily functions is just not in the cards for me.

DH and I had to scramble to order and ship more OPKs because I was for sure I would not be needing any more then I had but since I am on CD21 with no ovulation and will run out of OPKs on Wednesday it was deemed necessary. Plus we are cheapskates and do not want to spend the astronomical amount they cost where we live. Oh how I love the internet!

On the bright side due to the lack of needing to spend the weekend BD, DH and I were able to complete some renos around the house. So it was still productive.

I am not sure what to think about this cycle. The first two cycles that we got pregnant were short, sweet and got the job done. I HATE having these long cycles...its hard enough feeling out of control without the added stress of my body still acting wonky from the miscarriage.

Sorry for the disappointing update...wish I had more to say...perhaps tomorrow will bring some better more exciting news...

Friendship

I have the most amazing best friend. 

"M" and I met through my ex. When people ask how we met I say "I got her in the "divorce" (haha) - *Note: I have never been divorced, however, with the division of friends, stuff, family and feelings after a 6 year relationship is sure felt like it* -

Our friendship started out rather odd...in fact she told the story at my wedding and it got a good laugh. I met her at a mutual friends birthday. We instantly hit it off and by the end of the night I was asking for her number...yes...her number, I totally picked her up, lol. She was taken aback but but quickly recovered from her shock that a girl was asking for her number. After the relationship with my ex ended we were single together for a little while and then we both met our husbands shortly after that. For years we have set aside one day a week for each other...it has been that way since before the men in our lives so for example my DH is aware that every Thursday is "M Day" and likewise her DH knows every Thursday is "K Day". We do everything and anything...usually it involves a coupon of some sort because we get together every week we like to keep costs down. We go hiking, to the gym, restaurants, shopping...whatever we really feel like. Mostly it is just a time to spend with each other catching up on each others lives over the last week. I have come to really rely on those days. In fact when we miss a day due to a scheduled event we almost always call or text each other sometime after saying how we feel like it has been forever and how much we are looking forward to our next "date".

I love her to bits and pieces. She is my confidant, my shoulder to cry on when needed and my partner in crime. I really do not know what I would do without her.

We were taking last night about what a struggle these last couple of months have been for me and my up and downs of emotions and it really hit me that although she may not know how I feel because she has never been there it puts me at some ease knowing she is just there. We have experienced a lot of life with each other over the years and I am really looking forward to seeing what the years ahead hold. It is my wish that my children are blessed with a best friend as true as "M".
This picture is still one of my favourites...

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. - Bernard Meltzer

Patience Is A Virtue - One Apparently I Don't Have

*Warning - This is a rather depressing post. Pity party - table for one please*

Yesterday was a series of highs and lows. I started off feeling really good about the day and was looking forward to testing feeling like all signs were pointing to ovulation but...no...my OPKS did not agree. Which then...led to the lows...Looks like a late ovulation for me again. Boo. I am trying to stay positive but waiting is so hard. The lines on my OPKS are getting thicker and darker but I still want something more.

If you have a 28 day cycle count yourself blessed. That basically means that in a year you have more opportunities to conceive then I ever will. So. Not. Fair.

Life just seems to blur one day in to another. I know I should be putting my time and effort elsewhere as well but those other things just dint have my heart.

I started this blog to share my happy moments, sad moments and just pure frustration and it has been a good outlet as not a lot has changed support system wise in my life. Not a lot of people seem to understand what is going on and how I am feeling and it is getting increasingly difficult to handle comments from my newly pregnant friends about:
- How easy it was to get pregnant
- How they hate being pregnant and cant wait for it to be over
- Wanting to meet the baby/ the ultrasound/ the first kick
- How I just need to give it time (*as if I had any other option)
- How I cant think about where I should be but where I am. (That one probably bugs me the most. So...I am supposed to forget that I was pregnant, lost the baby and will now no longer be giving birth in August? Right. Ok..I'll just forget...it's that easy.)

I know they are not meaning to be insensitive but from one friend to another...going on and on AND ON about your fantastically amazing pregnancy and all the happy and glorious details that it entails is NOT something I want to hear right now regardless of how much I love you. I am still happy for you...that hasn't changed, but also neither has the fact that not so long ago I lost something in my life that I held so dear to me. Something that you now have and I don't. And FYI asking me every time you see me if I am pregnant again/yet is not helpful either. I already know I suck at this, I really don't need the constant reminder.

Could It Be?

After feeling down in the dumps yesterday I feel optimistic today (Hello TTC roller coaster)!! My signs and symptoms all point to SHOW and for all you TTCers out there who know what that stands for you can understand my excitement. I really feel that ovulation is right around the corner. I think last cycle DH and I were a little fooled by my OPKs and I think I might have ovulated earlier then what my lovely OPKs told me which is why we didn't catch the eggie.

To all my loyal followers out there please continue to send your positive thoughts, hopes and prayers this way.... they are GREATLY appreciated and I am loving your support!

What do all you chart stalkers think about my chart? Do you think I have reason to be excited? I had a beautiful dip from temping this morning and am hoping to go home to a positive OPK this evening or tomorrow.

Loads of Rain - Not a Single Bow

It has been so dreary here the last couple of days. Winter is so bleh if it doesnt snow ...the weather here is just a never ending puddle.

I am patiently awaiting ovulation. It is SUPPOSED to happen very soon. Tonight is the New Moon and typically the next day after that I get a positive OPK. We'll see. I have always found it hard to trust my cervical signs so all I can really go on is the OPKS and temps. My first night of lunaception light my temp shot up the next morning. Last night which was my second light night I think I was so exhausted from getting no sleep the previous night that I slept pretty well and woke up with a standard 96.9 temp.

I don't mind change. In fact most of the time I welcome it. I am a big fan of progress and moving forward. Change to me means a decision was made. Then follows action on the decision...and since my actions are the only ones can control and I am feeling rather helpless at the moment I am really looking forward to getting back in to the drivers seat of life. All this TTC has made me feel like a passenger for way to long. But even though life feels like it is dragging at this point DH and I still have a good feeling about this cycle. DH said the other day that he feels like 2012 is going to hold lots of good changes for us. This years goals were to get pregnant, sell the house and move to a different city and buy a new car.

Bring it on 2012...bring it on....

Light At Night

Last night was my first "light night" with lunaception. It did not go well at all. I barely slept. And when I did sleep I had nightmares. At least I know I only have two more nights like this and then back to blissfull sleep with darkness and my eye mask.

On the cycle front I am on CD15. I am expecting to ovulate anywhere from CD16-18. Yes, that is right, this week! So excited! DH and I have a really good feeling about this cycle for some reason. Hopefully that PMA pays off! My OPKs are getting darker and darker so here's to FXed.

...And Their Back

Emotions suck. Especially when you cannot control them. This morning I log on to facebook and....one of DH's best friends announced their pregnancy. I know I should just simply be happy for them...and I am. But how much does it blow that I SHOULD be afour months pregnant. But no...I had to have that ripped away because apparently "God knows what's best and has a plan." I so wanted to punch every person that said that to me...

Life goes on though, doesn't it. I have to go on being the Kyla that people are use to. The happy go lucky joyful and outgoing girl that takes life as it comes. Because lets be honest....people do not know how to handle another persons hurt and anxiety. The biggest proof of this is the question "How are you?" Don't for a second think someone in passing really wants to know how you are...it's simply small talk. And that small talk will turn awfully awkward if you don't give the standard "great, good or fine" that they are looking for.

Yes, I am wallowing in frustrating self pity. It is hardly attractive. But...it's how I feel...awkward truth and all.

So much for a less stressful and more carefree cycle.... Darn this turbulent roller coaster that is TTC...

WHOA

Seriously freaked out right now. I dove a little deeper into lunaconception research comparing my chart to the lunar calendar and here is what I found:

Full Moon - Nov 10/ Dec 10/ Jan 9/ Feb 7

My Period - Nov 10/ End of Dec & Early Jan - Miscarriage bleed/ Feb 7

New Moon - Nov 25/ Dec PG/ Jan 23/ Feb 21

OPK/FF Ovulation - Nov 26(BFP)/ Dec PG/ Jan 26/ Feb 22 (predicted by FF)

I cannot believe I cycle to the lunar calendar and had no idea! How come no one tells you about this!?!?!??!So now...I am starting to wonder...was FF off in January...? Did I miss my egg by just a little bit in January because we didn't have condomless BD until the very late evening of the 24th...even though I got a positive OPK on the 24th?? Strange....and so very intriguing!

So then...I am assuming I will ovulate somewhere between the 21-22nd of February. If that is true I am planning on doing the BD Feb 21-afternoon/22nd early morning and late evening.

I am so blown away by this. Pretty much the only thing that has thrown off what should have been perfect mimic of the moon phase was my miscarriage.

But...that also means if we do not catch the egg this cycle next cycle is a bust because I would end up being due two days after Christmas...which is NOT something we want. It will be VERY interesting to see which day my OPKs predict my ovulation this cycle....very interesting indeed....

****I should note - apparently my cycle is backwards - a normal person is supposed to PMS with the new moon and ovulate with the full moon. I would be curious to see if anyone elses cycle follows any sort of moon patterns****

Big Fat Fail

As most of you know I am using OPKs. The last two cycles I used Clearblue Digital Ovulation (the one with the smiley). They worked perfectly. This cycle I mistakenly ordered First Response's version of the digital OPK.

Now before I say anything please note I have previously been very happy with First Response. Their pregnancy test allowed me to see a BFP at 9DPO the last time I was pregnant. Their early detection pregnancy tests are awesome. Their digital ovulation tests are not. In fact...they suck the big one. I have used OPKs before so it is not like I do not know what I am doing. I originally bought the product because it was cheaper then Clearblue. I, very unlike me, did not fully do the research on the product just honestly thinking that they would have as superior of a product as Clearblue. Not so. Once I read the package description over I discovered that once you get a "Yes+" their monitor shuts off completely and will not let you get any test results after that. At least with the Clearblue monitor you can test and test all you want and use the monitor as many times as you want. Despite me being very angry about what seemed to be a very big waste of money I started my testing with their product yesterday. I figured I had it, I might as well use it and never thought for a moment that it wouldn't work.

Well...welcome to my evening of OPK hell....the first try it blinked and blinked at me and then about 5 mins later gave me a "?" on the monitor. I reread the package over thinking I must have done a step wrong. Nope. Then I tested again and it blinked and blinked and came up with another "?". So I tried for a THIRD time and finally got a "No-". Which I had known already because lets be honest...there is no way for me to have ovulation this early into my cycle. So...now I was pissed. Super Pissed. I call DH to rant and rave. His response was the same question I had already asked myself early in the day after reading the product reviews (which were awful btw)...."What if the tests don't work and we miss your ovulation." But I assured him - ever the planner that I was - I had already bought and requested one day shipping for the Clearblue tests. There is NO WAY I am missing that eggie. So no thanks First Response.... Your product gets a BIG FAT FAIL from me. This TTC'er is sticking with Clearblue OPKs from now on.  When you are a woman TTC in a vulnerable state like I am you want to know the product is going to work....and for me...I can't trust their OPKs....its as simple as that. 

Dear First Response: Just a thought - Due to the overwhelming amount of problems with your digital OPKS you might want to think twice before marketing your product as "Unmistakable".... as clearly...it is not.

Happy Love Day!

It may not be a holiday but it will always hold a special part in my heart. I just love Valentines Day. Happy Valentines day to you and yours. Go out and shower the world with love! Also, a HUGE shout out to my bestest girlfriend who has her birthday today!! This is also my very first Vanetines day being a married woman....feels strange...and awesome all at once.

I had a small victory last night! The face mask I was using I either kept taking off during the night or kept falling off so I went to go buy a new one. As I was looking on the lunaception chat boards all the ladies kept mentioning a "bucky" mask that was apparently amazing. Well...I didn't want to purchase it online and then have to wait a few weeks to get it so I just decided to go to the nearest Bed, Bath & Beyond. They had tons to choose from but low and behold ...with only one left...a Bucky 40 Winks eye mask!!!!!!  This morning I woke up with the eye mask still in place, victory! I also think I fall asleep faster with it. I am a light sleeper so anything that helps is awesome. This mask is contoured for your eyes and face, has a flat strap and is so comfortable. Also it blocks out almost all the light, which is essential for lunaception.

This week I also have to drive across the border to pick up the presseed and digital HPTs that are sitting in my mail box. Life is just going to get busier and busier as DH and I started back up on renos for the house. We tried to list the house last year but the market was terrible and we ended up taking it down. This year we plan to give it another shot but not before we give the house a little face lift. We are going to buy some new furniture this weekend that I think will make the space look even more spectacular!

In my Valentines day card to DH I wrote, "This year will be holding a lot of changes for us and I can't wait to experience them with you." I have a good but nervous feeling about this month. I pretty much knew last cycle that my eggie was not going to work out but I am so hopeful for this month. If things work out we should have packed, moved and had a baby before the end of the year. I don't mind change, and those changes in our lives I am especially looking forward to.

 

The In Between

I despise the wait between after AF and before OV. I may be the only one but I hate it with a passion. At least with the TWW you have symptoms and something to look forward to testing for...but from now until ovulation its just a second guessing of lines until that big stressful performance moment.

This weekend I was upset about numerous things and the house took the brunt of that hit. The house may be sparkling clean but my heart still aches.

This weekend my parents also asked me if I was pregnant (yet). As if it was some magically easy thing to do. I think I said something snide along the lines of "No mom, you know I'm PMSing...and as far as I am aware there is no way to get pregnant the day after PMS." My mom just shrugged her shoulders and basically said "hmm, well what do I know, all three times your father and I did it we wound up with you three." (rolls eyes - that was my mothers attempt at making the situation funny...it didnt work...)

I have decided to try lunaception this coming weekend Friday evening, Saturday evening and Sunday evening with my hope of ovulation on CD15 - Feb 20th . I do NOT want another late ovulation. Not cool. I am also hoping that will sync up my cycle a little bit to be somewhat normal. It would be nice to be normal for once.

I'm Special

I'm special...or at least I am being referred to one....a specialist that is. Yesterday it was determined by my doctor that he will be passing me on to a fertility and hormone specialist. I SHOULD feel happier about this. But truthfully I just think I feel more annoyed. Why isn't this easier?

DH and I talked it over and pretty much decided that we will not be trying for a December or January Baby if that were to happen. Because of how my cycles are it would push a due date very close to Christmas and we do not want to chance that. And also because my moms birthday is early January we full well know how frustrating being a January baby can be due to the fact that everyone is too exhausted and broke when your birthday rolls around. This...makes me very sad. Not going to lie. But I have to remain hopeful that this cycle will be it.

Since researching Lunaception I have been so surprised at the results. In fact...I looked at my last chart...and I ovulated that day after the full moon...and if this cycle brings itself back to normal I should ovulate after doing my three light days in correspondence so how I should be following the rules...right after the full moon this month as well...freaky...I am seriously excited to see if this actually works....!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Off To The Doc I Go

Today is the day. I FINALLY have a follow up doctors appointment to the miscarriage. Seems like forever ago. I have so many questions I want to ask! Like for example:

1. Should I be concerned that my last lutal phase was only 11 days?!
2. If #1 is concerning does that mean then that I have low progesterone?
3. If then following # 1 & 2: Should I be transferred to a specialist?
4. If in fact we get pregnant again what are some further steps I can take? Like...can I have more testing done to reassure me that the little bean is still there?
5. I got a lot of skin issues that surfaced during the pregnancy...will those go away soon?!
6. And then other questions regarding my physio and massage due to a car accident I was in back in November.

Our doctor was pretty adamant that he wanted us to keep trying and we didn't need to wait...so I doubt he will be surprised when I tell him we plan to get down to business this cycle.
On a side note...if you want your SO to think you have really gone off the deep end....incorporate lunaconception into your habits for TTC. Seriously...I think my DH thinks I am way far gone, lol. The light socket in our room glows a little bit when all the lights are off so you can find the switch in the dark and there I was last night covering it with tape and paper with DH just standing there shaking his head and rolling his eyes. Hey..come on now...it says complete darkness...a glowing light is NOT complete darkness. I'm not insane...I swear...

There are very few things I desperately want right now...
1. For this cycle to hold a good eggie
2. To catch that eggie
3. For that eggie to implant well
4. For that implant to follow into a beautiful healthy bean.
5. To be holding a beautiful bubs in my arms very soon...

It is amazing how quickly your priorities change once you are deprived of something you never really knew how badly you wanted....

Happy Hump Day!

Here is a little TTC hilarity for you this fine Wednesday morning...enjoy!

She'll Be Comin' Round The Mountain

She's here. You all know who I am talking about. The dreaded AF. I am not as mad as I thought I would be. I think I am just more sad and disappointed. I am glad I had mentally prepared myself for this. Oh, well...November baby it is!

I hope I am not the only one out there to think this but...my goodness was TTC this last cycle stressful! It is hard to make those moments romantic and carefree and "normal" when that little happy face shows up and you are like...ok...we have 36 hours, its go time! But, DH and I talked it over and I think we have come to the conclusion that we just have to take extra measures to make sure that doesn't happen next time. I don't want to look back on that moment and remember how stressful it was but how special it was.

Again, I am really thankful for how busy this week is. The busier I keep myself the less chance I have to focus on the negative.

On the lighter side of things I got a new cell phone! Gone is the blackberry era for me and I am welcoming the Samsung Galexy S II X into my life. This is a seriously awesome phone...and I am by no means a techie. I am still playing with it and figuring it out but I am really impressed so far. It is amazing to me how far we have come with gadgets!

Anyone else out there a fan of Valentines Day?! I am in love with love, lol. Another chance to show that special someone in your life how much you care? Hells ya! DH told me last night he has something he is looking into so I am super excited. Usually we do not celebrate Valentines Day on the actual day because...well...lets me honest...hello land of one day inflation. Instead we pick a day right before or right after. For me it is not the day itself but the moments behind it. Sometimes we get so caught up in our everyday lives we forget to set aside time for that special person in our lives to show them how much they mean to us...Valentines Day to me is just a gentle reminder (sometimes blatant for others) to do so.

Just Call Me Dorothy

I am pretty sure the wicked witch of the west has arrived to take over me and my little dog too. *BIG sigh*
Last night I had some spotting, not enough to make it a full force AF but it was still bright red.
That AND a BFN was really depressing. I am going to admit. I had two glasses of wine with dinner last night feeling really defeated.

Event though a part of me thought this would happen because it is my first cycle since the MC and because I ovulated so darn late I was still hopeful. What really confuses me though is my temp really has not gone down all that much....usually at the start of AF I am back to my lower temps...but I am still pretty high above the cover line which makes me wonder why...?

I am preparing to incorporate the following in to TTC. Today I am going out and buying a proper BB thermometer. I am driving to the US tonight to pick up my OPKS and aspirin and HPT and am going to buy some preseed. I also started to incorporate lunaconception. DH and I made the room super dark last night and I slept with a eye mask on. I will sleep without the mask and with a moonlit nightlight on CD13-15. This is to bring forward my ovulation day...I will be so unimpressed if I ovulate on CD30 again.

This week is super busy so I am glad I have some things to take my mind off the fact that we are still not pregnant. My TTC buddy and I are feeling really positive about November, I hope I can hold on to that optimistic feeling as the witch settles in this week...I am going to need it.

*Sigh*

10DPO

Well...today was the day...and sadly I woke up to a BFN. I know I am not out until the witch shows up (which is Friday) but I still can't help but be a little sad. But.... it makes so much sense...this TWW was just so different...how I felt...how my body acted...that doesn't make it any less depressing though. What sucked the most was how disappointed DH was. Oh well...moving on...

Differences

7DPO
It struck me this morning how very different this TWW is compared to the last one. I do not know if I was naive or what to think that if I was pregnant again my body would react the same way symptom wise to show me. Not so. I feel SO different this time around then last time. One of the biggest things was cramping all yesterday. I called DH on my way home from work and said "If I am not pregnant I have a feeling this AF is going to be awful. I am getting PMS cramping so bad right now!" It was on and off all day yesterday continuing into the night. I NEVER had cramping all 7 weeks with the last pregnancy...so odd.
Of course my first thought leads me to believe that I am "out" for this cycle....because my body is just behaving so weird. I'm having trouble sleeping, food doesn't interest me and I am feeling fairly normal. So not what happened last time! It is hard because I do not want to blow the small things I notice out of proportion. I don't want to nit pick my symptoms and drive myself crazy. I have to admit I am REALLY nervous to test Sunday morning. I do have a little peace knowing that we did all we could do and now if it happens... it happens. And if it doesn't that is my bodies way of telling me it just needed a moment to recuperate after the mc.
This week has felt like it has gone on forever though. I think that is for more then just the reasons of the TWW...work has been stressful and the weather here just makes things worse. I already feel like I need another vacation and I just had a week off at Christmas!

Update?!

Never have I been so happy to report that.......................my boobs hurt!!!

I am VERY cautiously optimistic. As they are not hurting as much as the last two times but the tenderness is definitely there. Yesterday I was also sooo tired. I got home from work and almost fell asleep on the couch. When DH came in the door I hardly had enough energy to greet him. Whether that is a symptom or not who knows but I am taking anything I can get at this point even full well knowing that they could be pre-PMS symptoms as well.

The really odd thing is I  have no appetite whereas before I was eating everything and anything in site. If I could have eaten 6 meals a day I would have. But especially this morning I am looking at my breakfast thoroughly unimpressed.

Oh, and last night I had a really vivid dream. I don't usually dream at night so maybe that is a sign too.

I think my low temps were a direct result of DH or egg implant. Let me explain the DH factor. Two words - blanket hog. Both of those nights I woke up he had the blanket wrapped all around him nice and cozy and I had nothing, and was freezing.

Here's to fingers, toes and everything else crossed!