CD9
Not much to say today. Tomorrow I start my OPKs. I am truely dreading that in a week I start the meds again. However...I am not the only one dreading this. Poor DH. I am not exactly Ms.Sunshine when taking them.
I feel kinda jipped. I knew that in our marriage we would be stretched and tested but this seems awful soon and awful fast. The amount of pure shit-kicking we have gotten emotionally in the last 6 months has made me very proud of us in our very newly-wed state.
Last night DH and I looked at more houses and it sort of frustrates me that we still have not found what we are looking for. I know we will have to make compromises but I still thought for the amount we were spending that we would get something a little better then what we have been viewing. Maybe my expectations are too high...
On the bright side two more days until my medical leave! It will be nice to de-stress and focus on my treatment.
Once I recover maybe my body will find it easier to take on a pregnancy. Until then...just taking it day by day.
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Monday, 25 June 2012
Stuck In Reverse
CD7
Cycle # 5 since the last miscarriage. 7 cycles of offically trying. I am really REALLY starting to get seriously cynical and unimpressed. I have stopped loging onto BC and BZ, and stopped checking blogs...I can't help it...it is super depressing and now I feel even more alone in this. I wasnt suppsed to be the last one.
Today I bought more OPKs and HPTs. We have a BD schedule set in place but I cant say I have the gumption or drive to stick to it. It is what it is at this point. I set up more acupunture treatment appointments and we will see how that goes. I will be seeing a different doctor because the other one went on mat leave (good for her).
On the bright side I have four more days of work until I go on medical leave. Destressing has not really been a possibility before this so I am glad I am pretty much being forced to do so at this point.
As for me and DH we are moving on with our lives. I have packed up the baby stuff away and bought wine twice in the last week. I am not putting any more requests or pressure on myself or DH. It will happen when it happens...I hope. I have to hope...without it I really believe I will become an empty shell of a person and I have too much going for me at this point to let that happen. I love DH too much to do that to him.
We were out at a friends house the other night and their four year old daughter kept asking me when I was having my baby. Gotta love kids. I did not get upset or hold it against her. DH looked really worried as if I as about to shatter but I honestly have held back too many tears and put up too many walls for a comment like to to hit me anymore.
My dad posted a comment on his facebook wall today about something along the lines of being excited for the next phase of his life which was being a grandfather. Since I am the ONLY child out of four kids married ...the other three are not even in relationships... I sort of felt that pressure on that one. I know he means well but it is still hard knowing I am denying so many people in my life somethign that they long for. I know I am not the only one saddened by the fact that this last 6 months has not gone to plan but I also feel like I am the only one it is fair to put blame on. It is because of me that all these people are let down. Nows THATS pressure...
Cycle # 5 since the last miscarriage. 7 cycles of offically trying. I am really REALLY starting to get seriously cynical and unimpressed. I have stopped loging onto BC and BZ, and stopped checking blogs...I can't help it...it is super depressing and now I feel even more alone in this. I wasnt suppsed to be the last one.
Today I bought more OPKs and HPTs. We have a BD schedule set in place but I cant say I have the gumption or drive to stick to it. It is what it is at this point. I set up more acupunture treatment appointments and we will see how that goes. I will be seeing a different doctor because the other one went on mat leave (good for her).
On the bright side I have four more days of work until I go on medical leave. Destressing has not really been a possibility before this so I am glad I am pretty much being forced to do so at this point.
As for me and DH we are moving on with our lives. I have packed up the baby stuff away and bought wine twice in the last week. I am not putting any more requests or pressure on myself or DH. It will happen when it happens...I hope. I have to hope...without it I really believe I will become an empty shell of a person and I have too much going for me at this point to let that happen. I love DH too much to do that to him.
We were out at a friends house the other night and their four year old daughter kept asking me when I was having my baby. Gotta love kids. I did not get upset or hold it against her. DH looked really worried as if I as about to shatter but I honestly have held back too many tears and put up too many walls for a comment like to to hit me anymore.
My dad posted a comment on his facebook wall today about something along the lines of being excited for the next phase of his life which was being a grandfather. Since I am the ONLY child out of four kids married ...the other three are not even in relationships... I sort of felt that pressure on that one. I know he means well but it is still hard knowing I am denying so many people in my life somethign that they long for. I know I am not the only one saddened by the fact that this last 6 months has not gone to plan but I also feel like I am the only one it is fair to put blame on. It is because of me that all these people are let down. Nows THATS pressure...
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Mixed Emotions
Well its official. I am the last one standing. Everyone in my "group" of miscarriages is now pregnant except me.
I am happy for all of them...just really really sad for me.
As I sit here experiencing AF I'm so not loving my reproductive system at the moment. *Sigh*
CD2 and nowhere near where I want to be. Total bummer.
I am happy for all of them...just really really sad for me.
As I sit here experiencing AF I'm so not loving my reproductive system at the moment. *Sigh*
CD2 and nowhere near where I want to be. Total bummer.
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
I Want Me Back
CD1
And so it begins again. However...starting this cycle there will be some major changes.
For one - my doctor has approved my short term medical leave from work starting July 2nd. I will be off for the next three months in more intensive therapy and rehab for the accidents. He also prescribed me a counsellor to see for the panic attacks I now have when driving/being driven around.
For two - DH and I have decided we want us back. And that means no more stressing. We got pregnant twice before...its bound to happen again...so we are just going to carry on normal...and by normal I mean eating what I want, drinking what I want (oh martinis how I have missed you) and DTD when I want. Life is too short for this.
What I WILL continue are the OPKs..just so I can track my cycle. And then...once I get pregnant again...BAM I will start taking the prometrium. This is not set in stone and could change...but as for now that is the decision we came to. As for DTD we will loosely follow the SMEP (sperm meets egg plan). But again...not set in stone.
We are both emotionally and physically tapped out. How fitting that we come to this decision yesterday with today being the start of a new cycle. This also means I will stop regulating DH alcohol and coffee intake. I didn't then...and it obviously isn't working now...so screw that.
I have not been getting out much - fresh air, sunshine, etc - in the last couple months so I will be focusing more on getting that as well. I may not be able to get back to running, biking or hiking yet but I can still read a good book in the sun...that is...if the sun will ever grace us with its presence. It seems all we get lately is rain or just blah weather. Mostly I just want to get back to being happy, sunny, optimistic, loves life me. I can't wait to be her again...she's pretty freaking awesome, lol.
I will still post...maybe not all that often as I do now but I am not going anywhere. And you as my supportive, loving TTC family will be among the first to know when I have some good news to share.
And so it begins again. However...starting this cycle there will be some major changes.
For one - my doctor has approved my short term medical leave from work starting July 2nd. I will be off for the next three months in more intensive therapy and rehab for the accidents. He also prescribed me a counsellor to see for the panic attacks I now have when driving/being driven around.
For two - DH and I have decided we want us back. And that means no more stressing. We got pregnant twice before...its bound to happen again...so we are just going to carry on normal...and by normal I mean eating what I want, drinking what I want (oh martinis how I have missed you) and DTD when I want. Life is too short for this.
What I WILL continue are the OPKs..just so I can track my cycle. And then...once I get pregnant again...BAM I will start taking the prometrium. This is not set in stone and could change...but as for now that is the decision we came to. As for DTD we will loosely follow the SMEP (sperm meets egg plan). But again...not set in stone.
We are both emotionally and physically tapped out. How fitting that we come to this decision yesterday with today being the start of a new cycle. This also means I will stop regulating DH alcohol and coffee intake. I didn't then...and it obviously isn't working now...so screw that.
I have not been getting out much - fresh air, sunshine, etc - in the last couple months so I will be focusing more on getting that as well. I may not be able to get back to running, biking or hiking yet but I can still read a good book in the sun...that is...if the sun will ever grace us with its presence. It seems all we get lately is rain or just blah weather. Mostly I just want to get back to being happy, sunny, optimistic, loves life me. I can't wait to be her again...she's pretty freaking awesome, lol.
I will still post...maybe not all that often as I do now but I am not going anywhere. And you as my supportive, loving TTC family will be among the first to know when I have some good news to share.
Monday, 18 June 2012
Friday, 15 June 2012
Poem
I know I already posted once today but I found this and just HAD to repost.
I found this poem on someone's blog page who then found it from someone's myspace blog entry. They had read it somewhere and didn't cite the author. For those of you who haven't had infertility struggles, please don't take offence to some of what it says. It isn't intended for that. I'm assuming that the author was as hurt and frustrated as some of us have been when she wrote this. As a person who has had two losses and been waiting for my turn I appreciate this poem. It may not be for everyone but I loved it.
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
I found this poem on someone's blog page who then found it from someone's myspace blog entry. They had read it somewhere and didn't cite the author. For those of you who haven't had infertility struggles, please don't take offence to some of what it says. It isn't intended for that. I'm assuming that the author was as hurt and frustrated as some of us have been when she wrote this. As a person who has had two losses and been waiting for my turn I appreciate this poem. It may not be for everyone but I loved it.
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
Symptoms
10DPO
Today is normally the day where all my "symptoms" would start to dissipate. However...I experienced something quite new this morning. My nipples almost feel like a burning sensation and when I was in the shower this morning I could not put them in the stream of water because it felt like needles jabbing into them. Cant say I have experienced this before! My bbs still hurt, look full and my chest aches as if they are super heavy.
Last night DH was giddy at the fact that I had waves of nausea throughout the day yesterday. I told him not to read too much into it but I do not think he listened. I so badly do not want to disappoint him.
Because we test Fathers Day it could either be a really happy or really sad day to remember.
On to other extremely sad and devastating news...my best friends sister miscarried again. My heart just aches for her. She thought she was 11 weeks and almost passed that point where you need to stop being so scared only to start to spot and go to the hospital to be told the baby only grew to 5 weeks. In fact the shithead of a doctor who had the worst bedside manner came in after the ultrasound and told her they had experienced a "fetal demise". I think I would have punched him. I am surprised she didn't. Needless to say she is really upset with God right now. I do not blame her. Life on earth is so very unfair and cruel at times.
Today is normally the day where all my "symptoms" would start to dissipate. However...I experienced something quite new this morning. My nipples almost feel like a burning sensation and when I was in the shower this morning I could not put them in the stream of water because it felt like needles jabbing into them. Cant say I have experienced this before! My bbs still hurt, look full and my chest aches as if they are super heavy.
Last night DH was giddy at the fact that I had waves of nausea throughout the day yesterday. I told him not to read too much into it but I do not think he listened. I so badly do not want to disappoint him.
Because we test Fathers Day it could either be a really happy or really sad day to remember.
On to other extremely sad and devastating news...my best friends sister miscarried again. My heart just aches for her. She thought she was 11 weeks and almost passed that point where you need to stop being so scared only to start to spot and go to the hospital to be told the baby only grew to 5 weeks. In fact the shithead of a doctor who had the worst bedside manner came in after the ultrasound and told her they had experienced a "fetal demise". I think I would have punched him. I am surprised she didn't. Needless to say she is really upset with God right now. I do not blame her. Life on earth is so very unfair and cruel at times.
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