I spent Sunday in the ER because I was bleeding and having contractions and thought my water might have broken. Much testing and many ultrasounds later and I was told everything was fine. I even went in to my specialists office this morning and he took another look and did another exam and said everything looked perfect.
I was just starting to breath easy when the phone rang right before dinner. It was my specialist calling after hours. I immediately knew something was wrong...there would be no reason for him to call that late unless there was.
DH and I had blood testing done for abnormalities and this was the call we were dreading. I have been told we have a 1 in 5 chance that the baby has down syndrome or a possible life threatening disease. We are devastated. My doctor recommended an amniocentesis. I will get a call tomorrow letting me know when the testing will be done. Probably some time this week as I have been told it needs to happen ASAP. I am so not looking forward to them shoving a gigantic needle through my stomach.
Because of this I had to call DH and ask him to come home. He is away on a hunting trip and if I am going to get this procedure done I want him by my side. I feel just awful and guilty about asking him to come home but I do not think I could do this without him.
I feel like I have not been able to enjoy this pregnancy at all. Just as I am able to ...WHAM...I get news like this. This is something DH and I want so badly and I just think it is all so unfair. It makes no sense.
I am nervous about the testing and the risks it brings. I want to be happy and excited in this pregnancy so badly. Sometimes life sucks. Today sucked. Royally sucked.
Monday 15 October 2012
Saturday 13 October 2012
I'm Not Ready Yet
Anyone who has been pregnant or currently pregnant knows the changes that happen emotionally, physically and mentally. Sometimes it is pretty overwhelming. At almost 17 weeks my body is changing and I am still dealing with some pretty fierce "morning sickness". As if that isn't enough I am now dealing with the anxiety of becoming a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) and ...it is freaking the hell out of me.
I have always been an independent - has a job, pays her own way, does what she wants woman - and it scares me to know I will be completely dependent upon someone else.
Gone are the days when I can have a girls shopping weekend in Seattle and drop a couple hundred dollars. And it is not just that. It is the little things. I do not think the wonderful - trying to be understanding - man in my life can quite grasp my feelings behind this. My latest revelation was yesterday. We ran out of toilet paper. Normally this wouldn't be an issue...I would drive up the the store and buy the items needed for the week or whatever we were out of. No biggie. Except...it doesn't work like that anymore...I have to ask DH to go buy something as simple as toilet paper or female hygiene products because I am essentially penniless. I still have medical leave payments coming in but between paying my own bills (cell, insurance, gas, credit card) and still helping with the mortgage payments it leaves me pretty strapped from week to week.
I couldn't help but think.. what happens when that monetary safety net is gone? I get a year of maternity leave benefits and then what? DH and I have made the decision that I will be staying at home raising our kids but I have to admit I am going to miss the financial freedom of earning an income. I am not saying being a SAHM won't be rewarding...but knowing life is going to change big time and I will no longer have financial control over anything is really scary.
Essentially after maternity leave benefits wear out DH will take on the responsibility of paying my cell phone, insurance, gas, etc, etc. I realize I will be making a life contribution as well keeping our home tidy, arranging meals and raising the kids (how Martha Stewart/Betty Crocker of me) but how do you other women not feel guilty about hitting up starbucks ...or going out with a girlfriend for dinner? How do you justify spending money on yourself? There comes a point in time where I am going to need shoes and clothes and to get a hair cut...all the little things I have just taken for granted I will now need permission for. Yikes.
DH doesn't get it... But at the end of the day it is HIS NAME that is on that pay cheque. It doesnt say ________ & Family. As far as the government accounting department is concerned I bring nothing to the table.
As I was in tears last night trying to get across my feelings DH just didn't get it. His words of - "But you will be making just as an important contribution raising the kids. I will have to completely be dependent on you for that." - were somewhat reassuring that he is not the type of man to "lord over the income" to our household but it makes me wonder how he would feel having that financial aspect taken from him? Would he feel differently if he had to ask for gas money to get to the store to buy toilet paper...? I think so.
For now I am only getting a taste of what is to come. March 2014 will be the real start of this panic inducing madness. Until then I have to start changing my mindset from a "his and mine" to an "ours". Things are going to change and no...I probably will not ever get used to being completely financially dependent upon someone else but there will be good things too. I will be there for the first smile, first birthday, first steps and much much more. That's life. Real life. But no college diploma of mine will have quite prepared me for that.
I have always been an independent - has a job, pays her own way, does what she wants woman - and it scares me to know I will be completely dependent upon someone else.
Gone are the days when I can have a girls shopping weekend in Seattle and drop a couple hundred dollars. And it is not just that. It is the little things. I do not think the wonderful - trying to be understanding - man in my life can quite grasp my feelings behind this. My latest revelation was yesterday. We ran out of toilet paper. Normally this wouldn't be an issue...I would drive up the the store and buy the items needed for the week or whatever we were out of. No biggie. Except...it doesn't work like that anymore...I have to ask DH to go buy something as simple as toilet paper or female hygiene products because I am essentially penniless. I still have medical leave payments coming in but between paying my own bills (cell, insurance, gas, credit card) and still helping with the mortgage payments it leaves me pretty strapped from week to week.
I couldn't help but think.. what happens when that monetary safety net is gone? I get a year of maternity leave benefits and then what? DH and I have made the decision that I will be staying at home raising our kids but I have to admit I am going to miss the financial freedom of earning an income. I am not saying being a SAHM won't be rewarding...but knowing life is going to change big time and I will no longer have financial control over anything is really scary.
Essentially after maternity leave benefits wear out DH will take on the responsibility of paying my cell phone, insurance, gas, etc, etc. I realize I will be making a life contribution as well keeping our home tidy, arranging meals and raising the kids (how Martha Stewart/Betty Crocker of me) but how do you other women not feel guilty about hitting up starbucks ...or going out with a girlfriend for dinner? How do you justify spending money on yourself? There comes a point in time where I am going to need shoes and clothes and to get a hair cut...all the little things I have just taken for granted I will now need permission for. Yikes.
DH doesn't get it... But at the end of the day it is HIS NAME that is on that pay cheque. It doesnt say ________ & Family. As far as the government accounting department is concerned I bring nothing to the table.
As I was in tears last night trying to get across my feelings DH just didn't get it. His words of - "But you will be making just as an important contribution raising the kids. I will have to completely be dependent on you for that." - were somewhat reassuring that he is not the type of man to "lord over the income" to our household but it makes me wonder how he would feel having that financial aspect taken from him? Would he feel differently if he had to ask for gas money to get to the store to buy toilet paper...? I think so.
For now I am only getting a taste of what is to come. March 2014 will be the real start of this panic inducing madness. Until then I have to start changing my mindset from a "his and mine" to an "ours". Things are going to change and no...I probably will not ever get used to being completely financially dependent upon someone else but there will be good things too. I will be there for the first smile, first birthday, first steps and much much more. That's life. Real life. But no college diploma of mine will have quite prepared me for that.
Tuesday 9 October 2012
16 Weeks Pregnant!
Your baby is already mugging for the camera as she practices all sorts
of facial expressions, such as squinting, yawning and grimacing.
If your baby is a girl, her uterus is fully developed and the ovaries already hold primitive egg cells.
Your baby's skin is still translucent and wrinkly, not unlike an old man's, but more fat will soon accumulate under the dermas to plump her out. If you could peer inside right now, you'd be able to see all the veins under the skin. And speaking of veins, your baby's heart now pumps about 25 quarts of blood per day. Eyes are now locked and loaded at their final destination, facing forward rather than to the sides.
This is the week women get an amniocentesis, if their doc recommends it. In addition to supplying doctors with a boatload of info about the baby's health, amnios are also more than 99 percent accurate in determining what version of baby you'll be having. So if you want to know and you're getting an amnio, now's a great time to find out for sure.
Your baby is now some 10cm long from crown to rump, about the size of an avocado, and weighs about 100g. In the next three weeks your little avocado will go through a tremendous growth spurt, doubling in weight and adding centimeters to length.
My Pregnancy Symptoms:
- Larger chest
- Generally feeling much warmer
- Dry Lips & skin - especially on my face...major peeling
- Nausea has lessened and I feel all day nausea some days all day but am only throwing up about every other day now!
- Fatigue
- Tried to drink water the other day and proceeded to throw up the rest of the night...
- Tingling, burning, tight Nipples
- Pregnancy Acne - a little less a this point
- My growing belly!
- Little "popping" sensations near pelvic area
Best Moment Of The Week:
Taking to my dad's mother about her pregnancy with him. Such a good bonding moment. I also got to start planning on Gender Reveal Party.
Milestones:
Thinking I MIGHT have felt the baby move....just maybe...but not sure what it was...and it has only happened once.
Appointments:
October 29th - Gender assessment
November 2nd - Dr. Y seals in envelope what gender we are having for DH and I to find out later that night together!
Other Info & Thoughts:
Not much has happened this week. Just chugging along. This is the longest time I will go between ultrasounds and that is a little scary...I like the calming effect of seeing that little heartbeat. Three more weeks until I see that again.
I have started to eat more and more. This past weekend was Thanksgiving and I went to my parents for a huge dinner, then to an extended family thing for dessert after that and then I went home and ate two bagels!!! I couldn't believe how much I consumed. This morning I also woke up at about 4AM and HAD To eat something...so I had an apple. It is definitely nice not throwing up everything I eat now. Makes mealtimes a thousand times more enjoyable.
I thought I MIGHT be able to get away with finally drinking straight water a couple day ago so I gave it a go. It was a complete fail. An hour later I spent the rest of the night on the toilet after dry heaving for what seemed like forever. So...as for now...water is still not an option...I feel awful about that but I am trying to get my liquids in other forms such as juices, creme frapps, milk, etc.
4 more weeks until I hit the halfway point...
If your baby is a girl, her uterus is fully developed and the ovaries already hold primitive egg cells.
Your baby's skin is still translucent and wrinkly, not unlike an old man's, but more fat will soon accumulate under the dermas to plump her out. If you could peer inside right now, you'd be able to see all the veins under the skin. And speaking of veins, your baby's heart now pumps about 25 quarts of blood per day. Eyes are now locked and loaded at their final destination, facing forward rather than to the sides.
This is the week women get an amniocentesis, if their doc recommends it. In addition to supplying doctors with a boatload of info about the baby's health, amnios are also more than 99 percent accurate in determining what version of baby you'll be having. So if you want to know and you're getting an amnio, now's a great time to find out for sure.
Your baby is now some 10cm long from crown to rump, about the size of an avocado, and weighs about 100g. In the next three weeks your little avocado will go through a tremendous growth spurt, doubling in weight and adding centimeters to length.
My Pregnancy Symptoms:
- Larger chest
- Generally feeling much warmer
- Dry Lips & skin - especially on my face...major peeling
- Nausea has lessened and I feel all day nausea some days all day but am only throwing up about every other day now!
- Fatigue
- Tried to drink water the other day and proceeded to throw up the rest of the night...
- Tingling, burning, tight Nipples
- Pregnancy Acne - a little less a this point
- My growing belly!
- Little "popping" sensations near pelvic area
Best Moment Of The Week:
Taking to my dad's mother about her pregnancy with him. Such a good bonding moment. I also got to start planning on Gender Reveal Party.
Milestones:
Thinking I MIGHT have felt the baby move....just maybe...but not sure what it was...and it has only happened once.
Appointments:
October 29th - Gender assessment
November 2nd - Dr. Y seals in envelope what gender we are having for DH and I to find out later that night together!
Other Info & Thoughts:
Not much has happened this week. Just chugging along. This is the longest time I will go between ultrasounds and that is a little scary...I like the calming effect of seeing that little heartbeat. Three more weeks until I see that again.
I have started to eat more and more. This past weekend was Thanksgiving and I went to my parents for a huge dinner, then to an extended family thing for dessert after that and then I went home and ate two bagels!!! I couldn't believe how much I consumed. This morning I also woke up at about 4AM and HAD To eat something...so I had an apple. It is definitely nice not throwing up everything I eat now. Makes mealtimes a thousand times more enjoyable.
I thought I MIGHT be able to get away with finally drinking straight water a couple day ago so I gave it a go. It was a complete fail. An hour later I spent the rest of the night on the toilet after dry heaving for what seemed like forever. So...as for now...water is still not an option...I feel awful about that but I am trying to get my liquids in other forms such as juices, creme frapps, milk, etc.
4 more weeks until I hit the halfway point...
Tuesday 2 October 2012
15 Weeks Pregnant!
I've been MIA again. I apologize! But let me explain! For the past two weeks my mom has been in the hospital and then over the weekend my husbands grandmother passed away. Needless to say it has been a few emotionally draining weeks. I didn't end up posting my 14 week info because of a family emergency so I will just skip right to 15 weeks. Hopefully that is acceptable.
15 Weeks:
Although many women don't start feeling the baby move until the 17th week (or later), your baby has been having its own party in the amniotic sac it calls home. If you feel a little flutter in your belly this week, don't discount it as gas or hunger. It could be your babe banging around.
Your baby's legs are growing longer than his arms now and all his joints and limbs can move.Genitals MAY be pretty well developed by the end of this week but you will want to wait a few weeks before you can find out accurately if you should be buying pink or blue.
Baby's head is now resting on his well-formed neck instead of directly
on his shoulders like Igor. Baby is also beginning to grow eyebrows and
eyelashes this week. The hair on the head also begins to
grow.
Although baby's eyes are sealed shut, now he or she is able to sense light. Eyes and ears finally look like real baby features now. As your baby practices sucking and swallowing actions, he or she may actually hiccup.
Although YOU have only probably gained about 5 pounds or so over the next month, baby will grow faster than ever, so make sure you load up on enough nutritious food and fluids to support his growth. Your baby now measures nearly 4 inches, about the size of a Kit Kat "finger" (regular-size, not the Big one you get at the movies) - or again if you are going healthy...a navel orange, and weighs almost 2 ounces.
My Pregnancy Symptoms:
- Larger chest...at times sore
- Generally feeling much warmer
- Bloated
- Dry Lips & skin - especially on my face...major peeling
- Nausea has lessened and I feel nausea some days all day but am only throwing up about once a day now!
- Fatigue
- Minor aversion to water...thinking about drinking it causes more of a gag reflex
- Tingling, burning, tight Nipples
- Pregnancy Acne
- My growing belly!
Best Moment Of The Week:
DH coming to my appointment with Dr.S and actually getting so see an ultrasound of the baby first hand!
Milestones:
Booking our 3D scan and anticipating our gender testing on the 29th!
Appointments:
October 7th - Lab blood work
October 18th with Dr. Y
October 29th - Gender assessment
Other Info & Thoughts:
Throwing up is getting really really old. There are some days I feel pretty good and then BAM it hits and then others I feel nauseated all day and then end the day getting sick. Either way...not fun.
I have officially outgrown some of my clothes. I was a little sad. I mean...one pair of clothing was even my "comfy wear around the house pants"...that was a bummer.
I dread October and November...it means DH is gone...A LOT. He is almost gone half of October this year. I get left all alone with the dog ...who by the way pouts just as much about this as I do!
I am excited for my sister to come home from college over Christmas to see how big I have gotten. I think it is going to be a big shock for her!
I am offically not cleared to go back to work. Which...when I sent in the doctors information to my job must have pissed them off because I got a lay-off notice about two days later. I spent yesterday FREAKING OUT about finances while DH stood behind me as I had excel open working out our finances saying "Babe...its going to be ok. We are going to be Ok." I think more for me it is the fact that I have been independent and paying my own bills for as long as I can remember! To be completely reliant on someone else for money is a foreign concept. At least DH makes good money. But...this really threw a wrench in things. I am supposed to be taking it easy and not stressing out but that did NOT help.
Every day I feel a little better about the pregnancy but there are defiantly set backs. Like the other day a friend of mine says to me... "Did you know a pregnancy is not technically viable until the 7th month." Bubble officially burst. Then I start to think...I am only 15 weeks...finishing just my 4th month...that seems FOREVER away...will I make it!?!!? Oh boy...this growing a baby thing is stressful....!
15 Weeks:
Although many women don't start feeling the baby move until the 17th week (or later), your baby has been having its own party in the amniotic sac it calls home. If you feel a little flutter in your belly this week, don't discount it as gas or hunger. It could be your babe banging around.
Your baby's legs are growing longer than his arms now and all his joints and limbs can move.Genitals MAY be pretty well developed by the end of this week but you will want to wait a few weeks before you can find out accurately if you should be buying pink or blue.
Baby's head is now resting on his well-formed neck instead of directly
on his shoulders like Igor. Baby is also beginning to grow eyebrows and
eyelashes this week. The hair on the head also begins to
grow.Although baby's eyes are sealed shut, now he or she is able to sense light. Eyes and ears finally look like real baby features now. As your baby practices sucking and swallowing actions, he or she may actually hiccup.
Although YOU have only probably gained about 5 pounds or so over the next month, baby will grow faster than ever, so make sure you load up on enough nutritious food and fluids to support his growth. Your baby now measures nearly 4 inches, about the size of a Kit Kat "finger" (regular-size, not the Big one you get at the movies) - or again if you are going healthy...a navel orange, and weighs almost 2 ounces.
My Pregnancy Symptoms:
- Larger chest...at times sore
- Generally feeling much warmer
- Bloated
- Dry Lips & skin - especially on my face...major peeling
- Nausea has lessened and I feel nausea some days all day but am only throwing up about once a day now!
- Fatigue
- Minor aversion to water...thinking about drinking it causes more of a gag reflex
- Tingling, burning, tight Nipples
- Pregnancy Acne
- My growing belly!
Best Moment Of The Week:
DH coming to my appointment with Dr.S and actually getting so see an ultrasound of the baby first hand!
Milestones:
Booking our 3D scan and anticipating our gender testing on the 29th!
Appointments:
October 7th - Lab blood work
October 18th with Dr. Y
October 29th - Gender assessment
Other Info & Thoughts:
Throwing up is getting really really old. There are some days I feel pretty good and then BAM it hits and then others I feel nauseated all day and then end the day getting sick. Either way...not fun.
I have officially outgrown some of my clothes. I was a little sad. I mean...one pair of clothing was even my "comfy wear around the house pants"...that was a bummer.
I dread October and November...it means DH is gone...A LOT. He is almost gone half of October this year. I get left all alone with the dog ...who by the way pouts just as much about this as I do!
I am excited for my sister to come home from college over Christmas to see how big I have gotten. I think it is going to be a big shock for her!
I am offically not cleared to go back to work. Which...when I sent in the doctors information to my job must have pissed them off because I got a lay-off notice about two days later. I spent yesterday FREAKING OUT about finances while DH stood behind me as I had excel open working out our finances saying "Babe...its going to be ok. We are going to be Ok." I think more for me it is the fact that I have been independent and paying my own bills for as long as I can remember! To be completely reliant on someone else for money is a foreign concept. At least DH makes good money. But...this really threw a wrench in things. I am supposed to be taking it easy and not stressing out but that did NOT help.
Every day I feel a little better about the pregnancy but there are defiantly set backs. Like the other day a friend of mine says to me... "Did you know a pregnancy is not technically viable until the 7th month." Bubble officially burst. Then I start to think...I am only 15 weeks...finishing just my 4th month...that seems FOREVER away...will I make it!?!!? Oh boy...this growing a baby thing is stressful....!
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