CD9
Not much to say today. Tomorrow I start my OPKs. I am truely dreading that in a week I start the meds again. However...I am not the only one dreading this. Poor DH. I am not exactly Ms.Sunshine when taking them.
I feel kinda jipped. I knew that in our marriage we would be stretched and tested but this seems awful soon and awful fast. The amount of pure shit-kicking we have gotten emotionally in the last 6 months has made me very proud of us in our very newly-wed state.
Last night DH and I looked at more houses and it sort of frustrates me that we still have not found what we are looking for. I know we will have to make compromises but I still thought for the amount we were spending that we would get something a little better then what we have been viewing. Maybe my expectations are too high...
On the bright side two more days until my medical leave! It will be nice to de-stress and focus on my treatment.
Once I recover maybe my body will find it easier to take on a pregnancy. Until then...just taking it day by day.
Wednesday 27 June 2012
Monday 25 June 2012
Stuck In Reverse
CD7
Cycle # 5 since the last miscarriage. 7 cycles of offically trying. I am really REALLY starting to get seriously cynical and unimpressed. I have stopped loging onto BC and BZ, and stopped checking blogs...I can't help it...it is super depressing and now I feel even more alone in this. I wasnt suppsed to be the last one.
Today I bought more OPKs and HPTs. We have a BD schedule set in place but I cant say I have the gumption or drive to stick to it. It is what it is at this point. I set up more acupunture treatment appointments and we will see how that goes. I will be seeing a different doctor because the other one went on mat leave (good for her).
On the bright side I have four more days of work until I go on medical leave. Destressing has not really been a possibility before this so I am glad I am pretty much being forced to do so at this point.
As for me and DH we are moving on with our lives. I have packed up the baby stuff away and bought wine twice in the last week. I am not putting any more requests or pressure on myself or DH. It will happen when it happens...I hope. I have to hope...without it I really believe I will become an empty shell of a person and I have too much going for me at this point to let that happen. I love DH too much to do that to him.
We were out at a friends house the other night and their four year old daughter kept asking me when I was having my baby. Gotta love kids. I did not get upset or hold it against her. DH looked really worried as if I as about to shatter but I honestly have held back too many tears and put up too many walls for a comment like to to hit me anymore.
My dad posted a comment on his facebook wall today about something along the lines of being excited for the next phase of his life which was being a grandfather. Since I am the ONLY child out of four kids married ...the other three are not even in relationships... I sort of felt that pressure on that one. I know he means well but it is still hard knowing I am denying so many people in my life somethign that they long for. I know I am not the only one saddened by the fact that this last 6 months has not gone to plan but I also feel like I am the only one it is fair to put blame on. It is because of me that all these people are let down. Nows THATS pressure...
Cycle # 5 since the last miscarriage. 7 cycles of offically trying. I am really REALLY starting to get seriously cynical and unimpressed. I have stopped loging onto BC and BZ, and stopped checking blogs...I can't help it...it is super depressing and now I feel even more alone in this. I wasnt suppsed to be the last one.
Today I bought more OPKs and HPTs. We have a BD schedule set in place but I cant say I have the gumption or drive to stick to it. It is what it is at this point. I set up more acupunture treatment appointments and we will see how that goes. I will be seeing a different doctor because the other one went on mat leave (good for her).
On the bright side I have four more days of work until I go on medical leave. Destressing has not really been a possibility before this so I am glad I am pretty much being forced to do so at this point.
As for me and DH we are moving on with our lives. I have packed up the baby stuff away and bought wine twice in the last week. I am not putting any more requests or pressure on myself or DH. It will happen when it happens...I hope. I have to hope...without it I really believe I will become an empty shell of a person and I have too much going for me at this point to let that happen. I love DH too much to do that to him.
We were out at a friends house the other night and their four year old daughter kept asking me when I was having my baby. Gotta love kids. I did not get upset or hold it against her. DH looked really worried as if I as about to shatter but I honestly have held back too many tears and put up too many walls for a comment like to to hit me anymore.
My dad posted a comment on his facebook wall today about something along the lines of being excited for the next phase of his life which was being a grandfather. Since I am the ONLY child out of four kids married ...the other three are not even in relationships... I sort of felt that pressure on that one. I know he means well but it is still hard knowing I am denying so many people in my life somethign that they long for. I know I am not the only one saddened by the fact that this last 6 months has not gone to plan but I also feel like I am the only one it is fair to put blame on. It is because of me that all these people are let down. Nows THATS pressure...
Wednesday 20 June 2012
Mixed Emotions
Well its official. I am the last one standing. Everyone in my "group" of miscarriages is now pregnant except me.
I am happy for all of them...just really really sad for me.
As I sit here experiencing AF I'm so not loving my reproductive system at the moment. *Sigh*
CD2 and nowhere near where I want to be. Total bummer.
I am happy for all of them...just really really sad for me.
As I sit here experiencing AF I'm so not loving my reproductive system at the moment. *Sigh*
CD2 and nowhere near where I want to be. Total bummer.
Tuesday 19 June 2012
I Want Me Back
CD1
And so it begins again. However...starting this cycle there will be some major changes.
For one - my doctor has approved my short term medical leave from work starting July 2nd. I will be off for the next three months in more intensive therapy and rehab for the accidents. He also prescribed me a counsellor to see for the panic attacks I now have when driving/being driven around.
For two - DH and I have decided we want us back. And that means no more stressing. We got pregnant twice before...its bound to happen again...so we are just going to carry on normal...and by normal I mean eating what I want, drinking what I want (oh martinis how I have missed you) and DTD when I want. Life is too short for this.
What I WILL continue are the OPKs..just so I can track my cycle. And then...once I get pregnant again...BAM I will start taking the prometrium. This is not set in stone and could change...but as for now that is the decision we came to. As for DTD we will loosely follow the SMEP (sperm meets egg plan). But again...not set in stone.
We are both emotionally and physically tapped out. How fitting that we come to this decision yesterday with today being the start of a new cycle. This also means I will stop regulating DH alcohol and coffee intake. I didn't then...and it obviously isn't working now...so screw that.
I have not been getting out much - fresh air, sunshine, etc - in the last couple months so I will be focusing more on getting that as well. I may not be able to get back to running, biking or hiking yet but I can still read a good book in the sun...that is...if the sun will ever grace us with its presence. It seems all we get lately is rain or just blah weather. Mostly I just want to get back to being happy, sunny, optimistic, loves life me. I can't wait to be her again...she's pretty freaking awesome, lol.
I will still post...maybe not all that often as I do now but I am not going anywhere. And you as my supportive, loving TTC family will be among the first to know when I have some good news to share.
And so it begins again. However...starting this cycle there will be some major changes.
For one - my doctor has approved my short term medical leave from work starting July 2nd. I will be off for the next three months in more intensive therapy and rehab for the accidents. He also prescribed me a counsellor to see for the panic attacks I now have when driving/being driven around.
For two - DH and I have decided we want us back. And that means no more stressing. We got pregnant twice before...its bound to happen again...so we are just going to carry on normal...and by normal I mean eating what I want, drinking what I want (oh martinis how I have missed you) and DTD when I want. Life is too short for this.
What I WILL continue are the OPKs..just so I can track my cycle. And then...once I get pregnant again...BAM I will start taking the prometrium. This is not set in stone and could change...but as for now that is the decision we came to. As for DTD we will loosely follow the SMEP (sperm meets egg plan). But again...not set in stone.
We are both emotionally and physically tapped out. How fitting that we come to this decision yesterday with today being the start of a new cycle. This also means I will stop regulating DH alcohol and coffee intake. I didn't then...and it obviously isn't working now...so screw that.
I have not been getting out much - fresh air, sunshine, etc - in the last couple months so I will be focusing more on getting that as well. I may not be able to get back to running, biking or hiking yet but I can still read a good book in the sun...that is...if the sun will ever grace us with its presence. It seems all we get lately is rain or just blah weather. Mostly I just want to get back to being happy, sunny, optimistic, loves life me. I can't wait to be her again...she's pretty freaking awesome, lol.
I will still post...maybe not all that often as I do now but I am not going anywhere. And you as my supportive, loving TTC family will be among the first to know when I have some good news to share.
Monday 18 June 2012
Friday 15 June 2012
Poem
I know I already posted once today but I found this and just HAD to repost.
I found this poem on someone's blog page who then found it from someone's myspace blog entry. They had read it somewhere and didn't cite the author. For those of you who haven't had infertility struggles, please don't take offence to some of what it says. It isn't intended for that. I'm assuming that the author was as hurt and frustrated as some of us have been when she wrote this. As a person who has had two losses and been waiting for my turn I appreciate this poem. It may not be for everyone but I loved it.
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
I found this poem on someone's blog page who then found it from someone's myspace blog entry. They had read it somewhere and didn't cite the author. For those of you who haven't had infertility struggles, please don't take offence to some of what it says. It isn't intended for that. I'm assuming that the author was as hurt and frustrated as some of us have been when she wrote this. As a person who has had two losses and been waiting for my turn I appreciate this poem. It may not be for everyone but I loved it.
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
Symptoms
10DPO
Today is normally the day where all my "symptoms" would start to dissipate. However...I experienced something quite new this morning. My nipples almost feel like a burning sensation and when I was in the shower this morning I could not put them in the stream of water because it felt like needles jabbing into them. Cant say I have experienced this before! My bbs still hurt, look full and my chest aches as if they are super heavy.
Last night DH was giddy at the fact that I had waves of nausea throughout the day yesterday. I told him not to read too much into it but I do not think he listened. I so badly do not want to disappoint him.
Because we test Fathers Day it could either be a really happy or really sad day to remember.
On to other extremely sad and devastating news...my best friends sister miscarried again. My heart just aches for her. She thought she was 11 weeks and almost passed that point where you need to stop being so scared only to start to spot and go to the hospital to be told the baby only grew to 5 weeks. In fact the shithead of a doctor who had the worst bedside manner came in after the ultrasound and told her they had experienced a "fetal demise". I think I would have punched him. I am surprised she didn't. Needless to say she is really upset with God right now. I do not blame her. Life on earth is so very unfair and cruel at times.
Today is normally the day where all my "symptoms" would start to dissipate. However...I experienced something quite new this morning. My nipples almost feel like a burning sensation and when I was in the shower this morning I could not put them in the stream of water because it felt like needles jabbing into them. Cant say I have experienced this before! My bbs still hurt, look full and my chest aches as if they are super heavy.
Last night DH was giddy at the fact that I had waves of nausea throughout the day yesterday. I told him not to read too much into it but I do not think he listened. I so badly do not want to disappoint him.
Because we test Fathers Day it could either be a really happy or really sad day to remember.
On to other extremely sad and devastating news...my best friends sister miscarried again. My heart just aches for her. She thought she was 11 weeks and almost passed that point where you need to stop being so scared only to start to spot and go to the hospital to be told the baby only grew to 5 weeks. In fact the shithead of a doctor who had the worst bedside manner came in after the ultrasound and told her they had experienced a "fetal demise". I think I would have punched him. I am surprised she didn't. Needless to say she is really upset with God right now. I do not blame her. Life on earth is so very unfair and cruel at times.
Thursday 14 June 2012
Birthday Fun
I had such a wonderful day yesterday...so full of birthday fun!! I got spoiled rotten and enjoyed every moment of it!
9DPO today.
Today would normally be the day I would break down and test. But due to the discouraging results of the last couple months I decided to hold out. Whats a couple more days in the grand disappointing scheme of things?
Two things have stood out to me during this 2WW...one (TMI) my nipps are soo itchy and two...I feel so nauseous. Both yesterday and this morning I have experienced major waves. I have not gotten sick yet but this makes me wonder...when I was pregnant the last two times in the second week of my 2WW I got really nauseous. Who knows...could be yet another added symptom of the drugs.
My purse has started to look like a plethora of medical/health aids. Between the prometrium, rhodiola, tylonal, tums and prenatals it is a wonder I have room for essentials such as my phone.
Another thing I have noticed is my bodies inability to sleep lately. Between getting up numerous times in the night to head to the bathroom, heartburn and just my general problems getting comfortable due to my new found back problems because of the accidents I am a walking sleep deprived disaster during the day. Last night was a prime example. I got up at least four times to pee...had to take two doses of tums for my lovely hereditary heartburn and then afterwards I just could not get comfortable and fall back to sleep. Major Bummer. This morning even the hard surface of my desk looks like a lovely place to rest my head.
I feel like such a bad wife when I continually bring DH down from his "we might be pregnant" high. Every time he hears my bbs hurt or that I do not feel well his face lights up just a little bit. And then I have to remind him that every month we go through this and lately it has just been because of the drugs. Although it is quite nice that one of us remains optimistic as I have been not so fun to live with lately.
Three more sleeps to go...and then the result of this cycle will be known....looking for a large load of baby dust if anyone has any to spare to send this way...!
9DPO today.
Today would normally be the day I would break down and test. But due to the discouraging results of the last couple months I decided to hold out. Whats a couple more days in the grand disappointing scheme of things?
Two things have stood out to me during this 2WW...one (TMI) my nipps are soo itchy and two...I feel so nauseous. Both yesterday and this morning I have experienced major waves. I have not gotten sick yet but this makes me wonder...when I was pregnant the last two times in the second week of my 2WW I got really nauseous. Who knows...could be yet another added symptom of the drugs.
My purse has started to look like a plethora of medical/health aids. Between the prometrium, rhodiola, tylonal, tums and prenatals it is a wonder I have room for essentials such as my phone.
Another thing I have noticed is my bodies inability to sleep lately. Between getting up numerous times in the night to head to the bathroom, heartburn and just my general problems getting comfortable due to my new found back problems because of the accidents I am a walking sleep deprived disaster during the day. Last night was a prime example. I got up at least four times to pee...had to take two doses of tums for my lovely hereditary heartburn and then afterwards I just could not get comfortable and fall back to sleep. Major Bummer. This morning even the hard surface of my desk looks like a lovely place to rest my head.
I feel like such a bad wife when I continually bring DH down from his "we might be pregnant" high. Every time he hears my bbs hurt or that I do not feel well his face lights up just a little bit. And then I have to remind him that every month we go through this and lately it has just been because of the drugs. Although it is quite nice that one of us remains optimistic as I have been not so fun to live with lately.
Three more sleeps to go...and then the result of this cycle will be known....looking for a large load of baby dust if anyone has any to spare to send this way...!
Tuesday 12 June 2012
Sparkless
Welcome to my morning of sadness. Yes, today I am feeling like a bit of a downer.
It is really hard watching cycle after cycle pass me by as seemingly unaware women get pregnant by chance...accident or whatever else the hell you want to call it. The other day I got told to "relax and it will happen" again. I think that is my all time despised phrase for this time in my life. So not helpful.
I am really tired of disappointing DH....and myself. There is nothing like not being able to do a normal female function like getting pregnant that starts to make a person feel like a complete and utter failure. When I told DH that I was 100% sure I was not pregnant last night he said, "But we did everything right!". Unfortunately that is the sick twisted game that TTC plays. Yes...the ducks were perfectly aligned but I guess they got distracted...shot or died somewhere along the way. (Wow that was dark...)
Tomorrow is my birthday...that will be a good distraction. For now I am feeling sad and alone. The people around me who had losses are already pregnant again. I am starting to feel like I really do not know what else I can do to help the process. Like DH said...we literally did everything right this cycle. BDing was planned perfectly...I followed a fertility diet...I rested, prayed and meditated...went for acupuncture and started taking the prometrium when my temp rose....WTF uterus...what more do you want!?
It is really hard watching cycle after cycle pass me by as seemingly unaware women get pregnant by chance...accident or whatever else the hell you want to call it. The other day I got told to "relax and it will happen" again. I think that is my all time despised phrase for this time in my life. So not helpful.
I am really tired of disappointing DH....and myself. There is nothing like not being able to do a normal female function like getting pregnant that starts to make a person feel like a complete and utter failure. When I told DH that I was 100% sure I was not pregnant last night he said, "But we did everything right!". Unfortunately that is the sick twisted game that TTC plays. Yes...the ducks were perfectly aligned but I guess they got distracted...shot or died somewhere along the way. (Wow that was dark...)
Tomorrow is my birthday...that will be a good distraction. For now I am feeling sad and alone. The people around me who had losses are already pregnant again. I am starting to feel like I really do not know what else I can do to help the process. Like DH said...we literally did everything right this cycle. BDing was planned perfectly...I followed a fertility diet...I rested, prayed and meditated...went for acupuncture and started taking the prometrium when my temp rose....WTF uterus...what more do you want!?
Monday 11 June 2012
Short Week!
6DPO
Boy do I feel bloated and unattractive. Nice way to start the morning. As ya'll know I am pretty much not blogging symptoms this go around as the progesterone has given me a pretty good idea of what it does during my 2WW.
On the odd end of the spectrum...I have had major trouble sleeping the last two nights. Usually the progesterone helps me to fall asleep right away and keep me there but my head has been foggy and preoccupied and it seems my body wakes me up at least three times during the night to pee. Not cool. The results of this are a very grumpy sleep deprived person. Which as DH could tell you...is not fun.
There is a positive to this week though...it is only a four day work week for me. I took wednesday off. Why? Its my birthday! There is no way I am spending that day working in what I now consider one of the most depressing environments around. I plan to sleep in, have lunch with a friend, grab my free starbucks drink and go out for a nice dinner with DH. FUN! We did plan to go away but..well...we are broke. So that was put on the back burner. Oh well...at least DH and I have promised each other a nice vacation next year.
I have to say...I do have an inkling that I am not pregnant. It is totally bumming me out but I know it is way to early to start getting all weepy. There will be lots of time for that later. As for now I am doing my daily fertility meditations as prescribed by my acupuncturist, taking the prometrium and hoping for the best. I mean really...we DTD every possible day we could...I really do not know what more we could have done!
Boy do I feel bloated and unattractive. Nice way to start the morning. As ya'll know I am pretty much not blogging symptoms this go around as the progesterone has given me a pretty good idea of what it does during my 2WW.
On the odd end of the spectrum...I have had major trouble sleeping the last two nights. Usually the progesterone helps me to fall asleep right away and keep me there but my head has been foggy and preoccupied and it seems my body wakes me up at least three times during the night to pee. Not cool. The results of this are a very grumpy sleep deprived person. Which as DH could tell you...is not fun.
There is a positive to this week though...it is only a four day work week for me. I took wednesday off. Why? Its my birthday! There is no way I am spending that day working in what I now consider one of the most depressing environments around. I plan to sleep in, have lunch with a friend, grab my free starbucks drink and go out for a nice dinner with DH. FUN! We did plan to go away but..well...we are broke. So that was put on the back burner. Oh well...at least DH and I have promised each other a nice vacation next year.
I have to say...I do have an inkling that I am not pregnant. It is totally bumming me out but I know it is way to early to start getting all weepy. There will be lots of time for that later. As for now I am doing my daily fertility meditations as prescribed by my acupuncturist, taking the prometrium and hoping for the best. I mean really...we DTD every possible day we could...I really do not know what more we could have done!
Friday 8 June 2012
That "P" Drug
My bbs hurt. There. I said it and I am not taking it back.
And no...I have not started the progesterone yet...good sign? I think so!
Yesterday I had the biggest migraine and it landed me home from work covers over my head moaning "why me"?! I already had a scheduled Drs appointment that evening and my poor doctor experienced a dose of what DH has been getting over the last month or so. I might or might not have gone through a whole box of kleenex while in his office. Boy did I feel like a mental case. It was his general feeling that I should apply for medical EI. Well..that is easier said then done. With all the treatments DH and I are pretty much living pay-chq to pay-chq, if I go on medical EI that only allows me 55% of my monthly earnings. So no...that is not an option. It was a nice thought though.
I think I have pretty much decided I will NOT be taking the job that was offered. Why leave this job unless I am going to something that is my dream job...like out of this world...which this job offered is not. So..I will continue to stay in this hell hole of a job until I find something that matching my wants, needs and fiances. For now this job pays well and it is not an extremely taxing job day by day. The offices politics are taxing but I can live with that for now. I hope I will be able to live with that decision. DH said he would support me in whatever I decided but I really feel as though there is no right thing to do. I feel as though either decision I am making...I would be making huge compromises. For now I guess I will just be grateful for the pay-chq coming in every two weeks.
Tonight I officially start taking my first dose of the prometrium. However...if you ask DH according to my mood lately it feels as though I have already been on it for a little while. We were sitting on the couch and I was in another mood...compliments of my job and DH looks at me and says "Ugh, I hate how bitchy that P drug makes you." And I look at him, daggers in my eyes and say, "J...I have not started taking the prometrium yet." He sheepishly looked away and that was the end of that conversation, lol.
I will not be taking note of my symptoms after I take the progesterone. I know that it gives me ALL the signs of pregnancy and I really do not want to be focusing on another let down.
9 more days until I test...I sure hate living my life in two weeks segments...
And no...I have not started the progesterone yet...good sign? I think so!
Yesterday I had the biggest migraine and it landed me home from work covers over my head moaning "why me"?! I already had a scheduled Drs appointment that evening and my poor doctor experienced a dose of what DH has been getting over the last month or so. I might or might not have gone through a whole box of kleenex while in his office. Boy did I feel like a mental case. It was his general feeling that I should apply for medical EI. Well..that is easier said then done. With all the treatments DH and I are pretty much living pay-chq to pay-chq, if I go on medical EI that only allows me 55% of my monthly earnings. So no...that is not an option. It was a nice thought though.
I think I have pretty much decided I will NOT be taking the job that was offered. Why leave this job unless I am going to something that is my dream job...like out of this world...which this job offered is not. So..I will continue to stay in this hell hole of a job until I find something that matching my wants, needs and fiances. For now this job pays well and it is not an extremely taxing job day by day. The offices politics are taxing but I can live with that for now. I hope I will be able to live with that decision. DH said he would support me in whatever I decided but I really feel as though there is no right thing to do. I feel as though either decision I am making...I would be making huge compromises. For now I guess I will just be grateful for the pay-chq coming in every two weeks.
Tonight I officially start taking my first dose of the prometrium. However...if you ask DH according to my mood lately it feels as though I have already been on it for a little while. We were sitting on the couch and I was in another mood...compliments of my job and DH looks at me and says "Ugh, I hate how bitchy that P drug makes you." And I look at him, daggers in my eyes and say, "J...I have not started taking the prometrium yet." He sheepishly looked away and that was the end of that conversation, lol.
I will not be taking note of my symptoms after I take the progesterone. I know that it gives me ALL the signs of pregnancy and I really do not want to be focusing on another let down.
9 more days until I test...I sure hate living my life in two weeks segments...
Wednesday 6 June 2012
Confuzzeled..
Ok, I am confused.
I got a positive OPK Monday and Tuesday...this morning it was negative. But...my temp did not rise above my cover line this morning. So...I am assuming I ovulate...today??? I guess we should continue the BD. Ugh...I am SO TIRED. lol
If tomorrow my temp STILL has not gone above my cover line I will start to worry...I mean...I know I got a positive. The first one Monday morning was positive but still bright and then the one I took in the early evening was VERY positive and then the one the next morning was still positive but lighter. Today I got no happy face. So...I guess it is just a waiting game. Once my temp hits above the cover line I will start with the prometrium but I do not want to start it too early...
Work is the shits right now. I am really torn between quitting or staying. The job I have been offered is not something I am jumping up and down over so I am just wondering if I should just wait until I find something that I AM super excited about...I hate making decisions when I feel like there is no right choice. Total bummer.
I got a positive OPK Monday and Tuesday...this morning it was negative. But...my temp did not rise above my cover line this morning. So...I am assuming I ovulate...today??? I guess we should continue the BD. Ugh...I am SO TIRED. lol
If tomorrow my temp STILL has not gone above my cover line I will start to worry...I mean...I know I got a positive. The first one Monday morning was positive but still bright and then the one I took in the early evening was VERY positive and then the one the next morning was still positive but lighter. Today I got no happy face. So...I guess it is just a waiting game. Once my temp hits above the cover line I will start with the prometrium but I do not want to start it too early...
Work is the shits right now. I am really torn between quitting or staying. The job I have been offered is not something I am jumping up and down over so I am just wondering if I should just wait until I find something that I AM super excited about...I hate making decisions when I feel like there is no right choice. Total bummer.
Tuesday 5 June 2012
Decisions...Decisions...
CD16... Hello World!
I got another positive this morning so I assume I will ovulate shortly. Tomorrow will be 1DPO!
DH and I decided to change up the BD schedule a little bit because I am not generally in the mood to DTD at 3:45 in the morning when he gets up for work, lol. So we have two more days left, tonight and tomorrow night. I currently have a tiny bit of cramping but I am just assuming that is me ovulating.
Yesterday when I went in for my acupuncture session and told her that I got my positive OPK that morning she was like..."Wow...we could not have timed this any better!" I have another follow up session on saturday.
The acupuncture session itself was not what I expected it to be. It was not bad at all. I probably only had about 11 needles inserted and that part was really quick. She then made the room toasty warm, put on some soothing music and left me laying there for about 15 mins. She encouraged me to fall asleep but I do not think she knows how sensitive of a sleeper I am. That was not going to happen...especially in a place I had only been once before.
On to other news...I was offered a job. So now comes the hard part of deciding whether I want to take it or not. This new position would be completely different from what I am doing right now which would be an awesome challenge but it would also pay slightly less. However, what this means now is I currently have some pull with the job I hold right now. They have made it very clear they do not wish me to leave but I also have requests I want met if that is what I so choose to do.
One: I would like my well overdue raise - back pay would be nice as well..
Two: I would like more customer/supplier contact
Three: I want a stability commitment ( I probably will not get this one...)
My supervisor at my current job also knows about the fertility treatments so it would not be a complete shock if I had to go on mat leave in 9 months...whereas this new job would be REALLY ticked...and I completely understand that. I just wish I was 100% sure of what to do....I hate not knowing FOR SURE.
So now...we wait. As before I plan to test the saturday morning before fathers day. DH is is sort of unsure about telling family that soon but I figure...why not...they will know anyway if something bad happens so why not let them share in the good while it is there? DH says he has a good feeling about this cycle...bless that man for being so optimistic..I hope I have some good news for him!
I got another positive this morning so I assume I will ovulate shortly. Tomorrow will be 1DPO!
DH and I decided to change up the BD schedule a little bit because I am not generally in the mood to DTD at 3:45 in the morning when he gets up for work, lol. So we have two more days left, tonight and tomorrow night. I currently have a tiny bit of cramping but I am just assuming that is me ovulating.
Yesterday when I went in for my acupuncture session and told her that I got my positive OPK that morning she was like..."Wow...we could not have timed this any better!" I have another follow up session on saturday.
The acupuncture session itself was not what I expected it to be. It was not bad at all. I probably only had about 11 needles inserted and that part was really quick. She then made the room toasty warm, put on some soothing music and left me laying there for about 15 mins. She encouraged me to fall asleep but I do not think she knows how sensitive of a sleeper I am. That was not going to happen...especially in a place I had only been once before.
On to other news...I was offered a job. So now comes the hard part of deciding whether I want to take it or not. This new position would be completely different from what I am doing right now which would be an awesome challenge but it would also pay slightly less. However, what this means now is I currently have some pull with the job I hold right now. They have made it very clear they do not wish me to leave but I also have requests I want met if that is what I so choose to do.
One: I would like my well overdue raise - back pay would be nice as well..
Two: I would like more customer/supplier contact
Three: I want a stability commitment ( I probably will not get this one...)
My supervisor at my current job also knows about the fertility treatments so it would not be a complete shock if I had to go on mat leave in 9 months...whereas this new job would be REALLY ticked...and I completely understand that. I just wish I was 100% sure of what to do....I hate not knowing FOR SURE.
So now...we wait. As before I plan to test the saturday morning before fathers day. DH is is sort of unsure about telling family that soon but I figure...why not...they will know anyway if something bad happens so why not let them share in the good while it is there? DH says he has a good feeling about this cycle...bless that man for being so optimistic..I hope I have some good news for him!
Monday 4 June 2012
Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!
CD15BAM!! That's right. POSITIVE. I just love it when my predictions are correct!
DH and I followed a BD schedule of sat morning, sunday morning, monday morning and we will continue to dance tuesday evening and MAYBE wednesday evening depending on my temp. YAY!
Friday 1 June 2012
Messed Up
CD12
Yesterday I saw the acupuncturist. It was an hour and a half long of family history, the last year and tests. After the tests one major thing was discovered. My adrenals are completely messed up and shutting down. Apparently they are responsible for pain management and assist in fertility as well. So, because my body has been under so much pain and stress...they are just starting to shut down. Which is most likely why we were able to get pregnant so fast before and have not since the accidents and the miscarriage. Now that is something to me that makes a lot of sense because DH and I could not figure out how we got pregnant so fast twice before but 6 months past the miscarriage and we still have yet to see a positive HPT. It was really starting to frustrate us both but now that we have a possible answer why we can begin treatment. What does this look like you ask? Well basically more "natural" pills/supplements and the acupuncture itself. Thankfully I have medical coverage for this because the appointment yesterday came to a shocking $150.00. Yikes.
I also have to keep track of everything that I put inside my month...that is going to be interesting. It is not a problem for the last few days because I have been following a fertility diet but I can't say I have been too anal about it.
Oops..I just discovered a voicemail from the clinic...guess I should check my messages more often...
I am super excited that our BDathon is right around the corner! My birthday is the 13th and technically I guess I could test then but I really really want to hold out until 12DPO because the stress of HPTs is really getting to me. So you will have to excuse me if I seem a little MIA this weekend...my concentration will be...ahemm..elsewhere...
Yesterday I saw the acupuncturist. It was an hour and a half long of family history, the last year and tests. After the tests one major thing was discovered. My adrenals are completely messed up and shutting down. Apparently they are responsible for pain management and assist in fertility as well. So, because my body has been under so much pain and stress...they are just starting to shut down. Which is most likely why we were able to get pregnant so fast before and have not since the accidents and the miscarriage. Now that is something to me that makes a lot of sense because DH and I could not figure out how we got pregnant so fast twice before but 6 months past the miscarriage and we still have yet to see a positive HPT. It was really starting to frustrate us both but now that we have a possible answer why we can begin treatment. What does this look like you ask? Well basically more "natural" pills/supplements and the acupuncture itself. Thankfully I have medical coverage for this because the appointment yesterday came to a shocking $150.00. Yikes.
I also have to keep track of everything that I put inside my month...that is going to be interesting. It is not a problem for the last few days because I have been following a fertility diet but I can't say I have been too anal about it.
Oops..I just discovered a voicemail from the clinic...guess I should check my messages more often...
I am super excited that our BDathon is right around the corner! My birthday is the 13th and technically I guess I could test then but I really really want to hold out until 12DPO because the stress of HPTs is really getting to me. So you will have to excuse me if I seem a little MIA this weekend...my concentration will be...ahemm..elsewhere...
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