Anyone who has been pregnant or currently pregnant knows the changes that happen emotionally, physically and mentally. Sometimes it is pretty overwhelming. At almost 17 weeks my body is changing and I am still dealing with some pretty fierce "morning sickness". As if that isn't enough I am now dealing with the anxiety of becoming a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) and ...it is freaking the hell out of me.
I have always been an independent - has a job, pays her own way, does what she wants woman - and it scares me to know I will be completely dependent upon someone else.
Gone are the days when I can have a girls shopping weekend in Seattle and drop a couple hundred dollars. And it is not just that. It is the little things. I do not think the wonderful - trying to be understanding - man in my life can quite grasp my feelings behind this. My latest revelation was yesterday. We ran out of toilet paper. Normally this wouldn't be an issue...I would drive up the the store and buy the items needed for the week or whatever we were out of. No biggie. Except...it doesn't work like that anymore...I have to ask DH to go buy something as simple as toilet paper or female hygiene products because I am essentially penniless. I still have medical leave payments coming in but between paying my own bills (cell, insurance, gas, credit card) and still helping with the mortgage payments it leaves me pretty strapped from week to week.
I couldn't help but think.. what happens when that monetary safety net is gone? I get a year of maternity leave benefits and then what? DH and I have made the decision that I will be staying at home raising our kids but I have to admit I am going to miss the financial freedom of earning an income. I am not saying being a SAHM won't be rewarding...but knowing life is going to change big time and I will no longer have financial control over anything is really scary.
Essentially after maternity leave benefits wear out DH will take on the responsibility of paying my cell phone, insurance, gas, etc, etc. I realize I will be making a life contribution as well keeping our home tidy, arranging meals and raising the kids (how Martha Stewart/Betty Crocker of me) but how do you other women not feel guilty about hitting up starbucks ...or going out with a girlfriend for dinner? How do you justify spending money on yourself? There comes a point in time where I am going to need shoes and clothes and to get a hair cut...all the little things I have just taken for granted I will now need permission for. Yikes.
DH doesn't get it... But at the end of the day it is HIS NAME that is on that pay cheque. It doesnt say ________ & Family. As far as the government accounting department is concerned I bring nothing to the table.
As I was in tears last night trying to get across my feelings DH just didn't get it. His words of - "But you will be making just as an important contribution raising the kids. I will have to completely be dependent on you for that." - were somewhat reassuring that he is not the type of man to "lord over the income" to our household but it makes me wonder how he would feel having that financial aspect taken from him? Would he feel differently if he had to ask for gas money to get to the store to buy toilet paper...? I think so.
For now I am only getting a taste of what is to come. March 2014 will be the real start of this panic inducing madness. Until then I have to start changing my mindset from a "his and mine" to an "ours". Things are going to change and no...I probably will not ever get used to being completely financially dependent upon someone else but there will be good things too. I will be there for the first smile, first birthday, first steps and much much more. That's life. Real life. But no college diploma of mine will have quite prepared me for that.
It will be ok. I know what you're saying...but I think it will ultimately bring you and DH closer and strengthen your relationship! I was scared to death to have all the money in one pot at first, but it really is a great thing...and I realize just how responsible DH is with it all. Your hormones are also affecting a lot of your thoughts and decisions right now...you still have lots of time for all of it to sink in. I still have to work someday when we have kids and my fear is missing all those little things like first smile, first steps, etc. You have to take the good with the bad, but the good is a really good one...being able to experience all your child's firsts!
ReplyDeleteIt will be okay! I've struggled with that since we got married. I was working 80% as a T.A. and then I got bumped down to 50% the following year. I've always been super sensitive about my income. We've always done joint accounts but I'm sensitive about my income. Right now, I'm on maternity leave and making JUST enough to cover my benefits :( It's hard to not bring in any money but my husband is great about it. Once I'm off maternity leave, thankfully, one of our bills will be paid off completely so even if I don't go back to work then (hoping to not), we'll still be okay money-wise. Have you thought about taking in someone else's kid for an in home daycare (or babysitting style) thing? You'd still be able to earn money and be home raising your kids :) I'm thinking of doing that!
ReplyDeleteMy husband doesn't understand my sensitivity about it either... :(