Worry Wart

I am officially 1DPO today. WOOOHOOO!!!

But... before we all jump up and down I have to confess how scared I am. I am so worried that this 2WW will end up like the last. And that wouldn't be so bad except if I do not get pregnant this cycle we have to skip the next one because my due date would be Boxing day for the next cycle which is NOT something we want. DH and I fully believe that kids born end of December/early January sort of get the short end of the stick when it comes to attention on their birthday - which btw - I totally support. I love my birthday (June) and would hate if it was compromised in any way.

One thing I have to say was a God-send this cycle was pre-seed. If you are TTC and finding the actual DTD really stressful and planned, etc...BUY IT. Seriously...that stuff was pure magic, lol. It is pretty expensive for its size but it did the trick and that is what really matters.

As for symptoms...a part of me is sort of excited that my body is feeling the way it did when I got pregnant and not like the last cycle during the DPO wait. DH went to do a "grab-by" of the boobage (oh come on now...ya'll know what I'm talking about...) last night and I sort of stiffened because they were sort of sensitive and he was like, "Really? They hurt? YESSSS!" Because he knows last time we were pregnant my bbs hurt the DAY of ovulation, all through the 2WW and even a week after the MC. Whether or not it is a sign good or bad we are taking all we can get at this point. We tried really hard and I believe did everything we could...now time will tell.

I am thanking God for allowing me to OV before the baby shower DH and I are going to on Sunday. Its a small thing but it is honestly going to make sitting through all that pregnancy and baby talk bearable. I wouldn't ever not go...even though I have had thoughts of it. They are good friends and DH and I want to show our love and support for them...I only hope they understand where we are coming from and how hard a situation like that is for us but I am not holding my breath...it seems individuals that have not been through a MC really have nothing to give in that area. And I get it...but it really doesnt make it any less hard.

This is going to be a long post because there has been something on my heart that I really want to share...

For those of you who have not been through a MC and are reading this blog and know other people who have been through a MC you may think - "I don't get it...why aren't they over it...its not like she was huge or anything and had to give birth or been pregnant for very long." And in some ways...yes you are right...but others...very wrong. In those 5 weeks I knew for certain I was pregnant I grew very attached to the idea of what was happening inside me. I think when you also start getting all the pregnancy symptoms (nausea, heartburn, fatigue, tender and huge bbs) it starts affecting you mentally as well. But...all that...was NOTHING compared to the actual MC itself. *Please stop reading if you cannot handle the truth or TMI*

The day after Christmas I woke up feeling GREAT - which was odd because every morning before that my bbs had killed, I felt nauseous and so not like myself. My sister and I were shopping in the US all day and then we had a turkey family dinner in the evening. That evening DH and I were intimate. We were extremely careful and extremely gentle. Immediately after that though I started bleeding. I then spent HOURS on the internet after that as DH slept because I was petrified. Most things I found said that was completely normal and not to worry. If it lessened that was good. And it did...so I started to worry less. Until Wednesday when halfway through the day I started getting these intense pains. Almost like cramps, but not really. I was also bleeding...heavily. I drove like a madwomen to the hospital where I was assured by the nurse that it was normal. Then assured by the Dr. that my tests were coming back that I was still VERY pregnant. I was booked an ultrasound for the next morning and sent home. Home is where I went through hell on earth. I got home and passed all the tissue and embryo. THAT was the worst moment of my entire life. Now there was proof that what I had come to love so very dearly was gone. DH still wanted to remain positive because we had not had an ultrasound yet but I knew. In my heart of hearts...I knew. And sure enough the next day when we went in the ultrasound tech told us there was nothing, she could see where the baby had been sitting but there was no heartbeat. Now not only was my body empty but my heart was as well. As if this isn't bad enough they send you home (still "cramping" - which is actually contractions because your body is so freaking confused) to experience what will feel like the WORST period of your life...for days and days. Because I passed everything naturally and my body recognised the MC I did not have to have a D&C. THAT...is the ONE and ONLY plus. Thankfully I just happened to be off that week from work for holidays and most of that week I just sat and cried with DH. Mourning what was...and what could have been.

So there it is folks. That is why women who have MC continue to be in pain emotionally and physically for quite some time. As if it isn't enough knowing that your not pregnant your body is now screaming this fact at you...sometimes for quite some time. To add insult to injury after my MC my body is now so screwed up my cycles are almost 45 days long making it almost impossible to pinpoint ovulation naturally without testing and making TTC all that harder. Oh...and lets not forget about the RH factor. In one of my very first posts you learn that DH and I are blood incompatible...which makes pregnancy even HARDER. So cut me a break..cut all of us struggling with the pain of MC a break. We are going through enough without your judgement of how you think we should be handling it.

Anyways...just wanted to clear that up...it seems a lot of people either don't understand or just don't care to. So I hope I've cleared that up. And..for me...I think I would rather people ask questions then form their own opinions about it blindly with nothing to go on.

Thank you to everyone who has been on this journey so far with me. Your comments are treasured and your thoughts and prayers are felt. You are appreciated.

It's On!

I was right!!!! This is what my lunch time testing revealed!!! Guess I know what my plans are tonight...

Good Signs (TMI Warning)

I do not want to get myself too excited but I am experiencing some REALLY good signs of impending ovulation. My CM is EW and very stretchy and and my CP is so high I can barely reach it. It is not incredibly soft but it is also pretty open. Today is CD29 so I am right in the window I thought I would be for ovulation between March 7-9th. DH called this Wednesday for OV so he was a little miffed that he might have been off by a day, lol. Even though I OV CD31 of last cycle this cycle seems to be taking F-O-R-E-V-E-R...

New things I have Incorporated:
I have started drinking red raspberry leaf tea. Apparently that is supposed to make for a good strong uterus preparing for pregnancy and then a shorter delivery when consumed weeks 35-38 during pregnancy. It is also a good substitute for green tea as green tea blocks the folic acid supplement of pre-natal vitamins. I can drink RRLT up to about 38 weeks if I get preggo but they don't suggest after that. Having a hot drink option is great because normally I would do hot chocolate or something but I do not want to be concerned with the caffeine intake since I cut it out completely and RRLT has none.
On other news there is snow on the ground. I live in the Fraser Valley (BC). It seems as though mother nature just can not make up her mind...sun was shining during christmas and now at spring break we have snow. Oh well, glad to know she messes up things other then my bodily functions - haha.

Something else I want to touch on is my detachment from those who are currently pregnant. Friends, colleagues, family, etc. I never considered myself to be a vindictive person but suddenly when pregnancies are popping up everywhere I just can't seem to contain myself. At work there was this one girl who I use to talk to every day...and now...it actually hurts to see her and her 7 month belly. I also have three friends who are pregnant very recently. One who found out right around the same time as me and one who announced just a few weeks ago and another who was due within days of me before so we really bonded then. I have put very little effort in to communicating with them since the MC. Here is the interesting part though...people with kids...you all are fine. It is not the people WITH kids I seem to have a blatant disregard for it is the ones who are in that middle stage. Love kids. In fact...I am pretty darn great with kids. It is not kids or the parents of whom I have a problem with.. It is you glowing -shout it from the rooftops-pregnant couples. Oh yah, did I mention its just not the women..its the men of the women too. After all, you got her pregnant so your right in that nice box of disregard as well. So pathetic, right?

If anything this experience has taught me so much. Not only things about my own body but about TTC and pregnancy do's and don'ts. There is so much information out there. All the chat boards I am on have been so much help as well. I am TRYING not to dwell too much in the past so I have not joined any MC boards. Most of the ones I am on are related to TTC. I certainly have my moments of sadness/hostility/anger but because I am a generally upbeat person those emotions are soon replaced with another.

Currently the feeling I have is that I am fairly certain I will not be able to move on past some of my emotions until I have that sweet child in my arms. Until then it is honestly a daily struggle between wanting to be the naive person I once was and coming to terms with the person I am today.

A Litteral Laugh Out Loud

Today we were celebrating a colleagues 20 years with the company with a special lunch. I happen to over-hear a conversation that a bunch of men were having on the other side of the lunch room. Apparently one of them had just seen a documentary on the human body - functions, etc. Now you have to picture a room of full grown men sitting around in a circle and one of them says this:

"Did you know that a woman is born with all the eggs she will ever lay in her life?!"

Nope. You didnt read that wrong. I litterally laughed out loud. And no, I didnt correct him...because ...lets be honest...it's funnier that way.

Just the mental image of women "laying" eggs was enough to send me into histarics. I am sorry...but I am not a chicken...never have been and never will LAY an egg...of any kind.

Hows that for some Monday humor for you? Your welcome...(sometimes I swear God created men clueless just so women could laugh)

 

Where Art Thou...

Ovulation has forsaken me...or so it seems. Another weekend that went by with no smiley from my OPK. Even though that little stick keeps getting darker I am starting to wonder when it is going to happen. If my body is indeed trying to regulate itself to the patterns before the MC I have a sneaking suspicion it will be at the end of this week March 7-9th. As the full moon is the 8th and the last time I ovulated for my cycle it was CD31 and it is currently CD28.

I have a new theory. DH and I will BD whenever my temp hits my cover line or lower. So basically a temp 67.0 or lower is go time. This is better for us because we know right then in the morning that we need to take time later in the day to BD, whereas before only doing it as per positive OPK was a little frustrating because I only knew in the afternoon so DH had no way of scheduling work accordingly. Ovulation has happened once there is a rise for at least three days above the cover line so I figure we are safe if we DTD every time it hits at or below my coverline of 97.0.

DH and I have two "staycations" planned at a cabin within the next month and I think it is just what we need. DH LOVES the cabin and I personally am just looking forward to getting away...reading a good book..not having to deal with reality. Because lets face it...the reality of my last couple months has sucked. During the time we are away we are also having someone paint the rest of the house. DH is just working way too much to make things like that a reality. The cost is pretty decent and it works out perfectly that it can be done while we are away.

Tonight is dinner with DH's best friend. While he is in town DH likes to see him as much as possible. Pretty much this means no cooking for me tonight (YAY!).

I have never really ever been very good at waiting. It seems this experience is just a cruel way of teaching me patience. I would never wish this on anyone...

Funny Bone Friday

Singing The Blues

I let my emotions get the best of me yesterday...let me explain:

DH and I both had plans - separately. Me with my mom and him with work. All day I had been thinking about how nice it would be just to DTD for just the sake of WANTING to...not having to. After all, we BD yesterday so I wasn't worried - and it would have nothing to do with "timing". So I was all excited to get home and have a nice pre-slumber "party" with DH. Well..he was in no mood and really tired. When I approached him about it and got turned down that's when things took a nose dive. I tried not to let it bother me but it really did. Part of me is so sick of having sex become this thing we have to do when the time is right and not something when the moment hits us right. It has gotten so planned...so strategic...so ...exhausting. I was just hoping to put a little sass and less stress back in to it.
So, of course, this ends the night with me doing the dishes as DH is in bed (BAD SIGN...when I am upset...I clean) And then by the time I get to bed I am a blubbering mess trying to explain why I am acting the way I am. But by now it is too late to do anything about it and I go to bed feeling sad and upset and DH goes to bed feeling rather confused and guilty. Not good at all... And definitely not how I saw the night going in my mind early...not anything close.

Now...to be honest I am really feeling like the moment has passed. Today is one of those planned BD days and its hard to feel the excitement of it all when you know it is just sitting there over your head. This whole TTC thing really messed with my head yesterday.

But...today is a new day. The above freak out actually couldn't come at a better time as today is "M Day" - some much much MUCH needed girl talk. I will go home this evening feeling better because I will have vented to someone who knows the inside of my head and totally humors me for the psycho person that I am. Totally love that girl.

Yesterday as I was on the TTC boards I came across a quote that really struck my heart. It said:

"Today is a good day, because it is one day closer then yesterday."

So that is where I am leaving this post.

Today is a good day. Yesterday is gone, every moment is one step closer and the future holds great things.