Worry Wart

I am officially 1DPO today. WOOOHOOO!!!

But... before we all jump up and down I have to confess how scared I am. I am so worried that this 2WW will end up like the last. And that wouldn't be so bad except if I do not get pregnant this cycle we have to skip the next one because my due date would be Boxing day for the next cycle which is NOT something we want. DH and I fully believe that kids born end of December/early January sort of get the short end of the stick when it comes to attention on their birthday - which btw - I totally support. I love my birthday (June) and would hate if it was compromised in any way.

One thing I have to say was a God-send this cycle was pre-seed. If you are TTC and finding the actual DTD really stressful and planned, etc...BUY IT. Seriously...that stuff was pure magic, lol. It is pretty expensive for its size but it did the trick and that is what really matters.

As for symptoms...a part of me is sort of excited that my body is feeling the way it did when I got pregnant and not like the last cycle during the DPO wait. DH went to do a "grab-by" of the boobage (oh come on now...ya'll know what I'm talking about...) last night and I sort of stiffened because they were sort of sensitive and he was like, "Really? They hurt? YESSSS!" Because he knows last time we were pregnant my bbs hurt the DAY of ovulation, all through the 2WW and even a week after the MC. Whether or not it is a sign good or bad we are taking all we can get at this point. We tried really hard and I believe did everything we could...now time will tell.

I am thanking God for allowing me to OV before the baby shower DH and I are going to on Sunday. Its a small thing but it is honestly going to make sitting through all that pregnancy and baby talk bearable. I wouldn't ever not go...even though I have had thoughts of it. They are good friends and DH and I want to show our love and support for them...I only hope they understand where we are coming from and how hard a situation like that is for us but I am not holding my breath...it seems individuals that have not been through a MC really have nothing to give in that area. And I get it...but it really doesnt make it any less hard.

This is going to be a long post because there has been something on my heart that I really want to share...

For those of you who have not been through a MC and are reading this blog and know other people who have been through a MC you may think - "I don't get it...why aren't they over it...its not like she was huge or anything and had to give birth or been pregnant for very long." And in some ways...yes you are right...but others...very wrong. In those 5 weeks I knew for certain I was pregnant I grew very attached to the idea of what was happening inside me. I think when you also start getting all the pregnancy symptoms (nausea, heartburn, fatigue, tender and huge bbs) it starts affecting you mentally as well. But...all that...was NOTHING compared to the actual MC itself. *Please stop reading if you cannot handle the truth or TMI*

The day after Christmas I woke up feeling GREAT - which was odd because every morning before that my bbs had killed, I felt nauseous and so not like myself. My sister and I were shopping in the US all day and then we had a turkey family dinner in the evening. That evening DH and I were intimate. We were extremely careful and extremely gentle. Immediately after that though I started bleeding. I then spent HOURS on the internet after that as DH slept because I was petrified. Most things I found said that was completely normal and not to worry. If it lessened that was good. And it did...so I started to worry less. Until Wednesday when halfway through the day I started getting these intense pains. Almost like cramps, but not really. I was also bleeding...heavily. I drove like a madwomen to the hospital where I was assured by the nurse that it was normal. Then assured by the Dr. that my tests were coming back that I was still VERY pregnant. I was booked an ultrasound for the next morning and sent home. Home is where I went through hell on earth. I got home and passed all the tissue and embryo. THAT was the worst moment of my entire life. Now there was proof that what I had come to love so very dearly was gone. DH still wanted to remain positive because we had not had an ultrasound yet but I knew. In my heart of hearts...I knew. And sure enough the next day when we went in the ultrasound tech told us there was nothing, she could see where the baby had been sitting but there was no heartbeat. Now not only was my body empty but my heart was as well. As if this isn't bad enough they send you home (still "cramping" - which is actually contractions because your body is so freaking confused) to experience what will feel like the WORST period of your life...for days and days. Because I passed everything naturally and my body recognised the MC I did not have to have a D&C. THAT...is the ONE and ONLY plus. Thankfully I just happened to be off that week from work for holidays and most of that week I just sat and cried with DH. Mourning what was...and what could have been.

So there it is folks. That is why women who have MC continue to be in pain emotionally and physically for quite some time. As if it isn't enough knowing that your not pregnant your body is now screaming this fact at you...sometimes for quite some time. To add insult to injury after my MC my body is now so screwed up my cycles are almost 45 days long making it almost impossible to pinpoint ovulation naturally without testing and making TTC all that harder. Oh...and lets not forget about the RH factor. In one of my very first posts you learn that DH and I are blood incompatible...which makes pregnancy even HARDER. So cut me a break..cut all of us struggling with the pain of MC a break. We are going through enough without your judgement of how you think we should be handling it.

Anyways...just wanted to clear that up...it seems a lot of people either don't understand or just don't care to. So I hope I've cleared that up. And..for me...I think I would rather people ask questions then form their own opinions about it blindly with nothing to go on.

Thank you to everyone who has been on this journey so far with me. Your comments are treasured and your thoughts and prayers are felt. You are appreciated.