Stuck In Reverse

CD7

Cycle # 5 since the last miscarriage. 7 cycles of offically trying. I am really REALLY starting to get seriously cynical and unimpressed. I have stopped loging onto BC and BZ, and stopped checking blogs...I can't help it...it is super depressing and now I feel even more alone in this. I wasnt suppsed to be the last one. 

Today I bought more OPKs and HPTs. We have a BD schedule set in place but I cant say I have the gumption or drive to stick to it. It is what it is at this point. I set up more acupunture treatment appointments and we will see how that goes. I will be seeing a different doctor because the other one went on mat leave (good for her).

On the bright side I have four more days of work until I go on medical leave. Destressing has not really been a possibility before this so I am glad I am pretty much being forced to do so at this point.

As for me and DH we are moving on with our lives. I have packed up the baby stuff away and bought wine twice in the last week. I am not putting any more requests or pressure on myself or DH. It will happen when it happens...I hope. I have to hope...without it I really believe I will become an empty shell of a person and I have too much going for me at this point to let that happen. I love DH too much to do that to him.

We were out at a friends house the other night and their four year old daughter kept asking me when I was having my baby. Gotta love kids. I did not get upset or hold it against her. DH looked really worried as if I as about to shatter but I honestly have held back too many tears and put up too many walls for a comment like to to hit me anymore.

My dad posted a comment on his facebook wall today about something along the lines of being excited for the next phase of his life which was being a grandfather. Since I am the ONLY child out of four kids married ...the other three are not even in relationships... I sort of felt that pressure on that one. I know he means well but it is still hard knowing I am denying so many people in my life somethign that they long for. I know I am not the only one saddened by the fact that this last 6 months has not gone to plan but I also feel like I am the only one it is fair to put blame on. It is because of me that all these people are let down. Nows THATS pressure...