Soooooo....pretty sure I am NOT pregnant. I'm ticked. I mean...I sort of had it in the back of my mind that since this was the first ovulation since my mc and I ovulated so late there would be a chance of it but...oh man...feeling so frustrated right now.
I have NO symptoms...not one and during my other two I had loads right after ovulation. Also, my temp and FF is not cooperating. This morning I searched charts that looked like mine that ended in a pregnancy and you know how many came up? 2..... 2 out of thousands of charts. Not exactly a good sign.
Even my ever optimistic DH is not sure and has his doubts with this cycle. And that says a lot.
The ONLY positive is my "pregnancy buddy" is not pregnant either. So we are still in the game together. I am expecting AF on Feb 10th. Which is sort of a downer as well because that is when DH and I were going to celebrate valentines. It would have been nice to be pregnant over VD but I guess I will just have a drink instead (lol).
A part of me is considering just not testing and waiting for AF to show up. Also, that way I don't have to waste a test and can save it for the next cycle. BTW - how glad am I that I already purchased another set of OPKs off of ebay as a back up in case this happened! With the lack of symptoms I also do not feel the need to test. Who knows if I will be able to hold out or not but it's a thought.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Monday, 30 January 2012
Second Guessing
I really have nothing to report. The only thing that has happened in the days past my positive OPK is yesterday I had veiny bbbs. Which is REALLY frustrating because the last two times my bbs hurt SOOO much literally the day after ovulation I knew I was pregnant but this time after ovulation...nothing...not a thing. I feel completely normal! It sort of sucks...
DH and I decided we are going to test on Sunday morning. He is gone most of Saturday so if I get a positive or negative I want him to be there with me. DH does not think I will be able to hold out though. I think I will be ok. If I was having every symptom in the book I might be tempted to test earlier but because I really have nothing and feel sort of down about this cycle I am not itching to test.
We also decided to tell only immediate family right after. This time we have a little heads up because we know who the blabbers are, lol, and not to tell those people.
Oh, and to top it all off FF changed my crosshairs last night so I am only 4dpo today apparently...weird. My temp also went down a bit this morning. I am not sure if that was from lack of sleep or what but my temps after ovulation last time were beautiful...spot on...so a dip so soon in this one with very little symptoms from my body leaves me unsure of what to think. I don't know why but I just have a really unsure feeling about this cycle...i am not optimistic at all. Not DH though...he continues to believe he posses super sperm....we'll see about that...
The girls on my Feb POAS party have tried to reassure some of my fears saying that each pregnancy is different and my body may just be responding differently. How much truth that holds I don't know but it is sure nice to have something to hold on to.
DH and I decided we are going to test on Sunday morning. He is gone most of Saturday so if I get a positive or negative I want him to be there with me. DH does not think I will be able to hold out though. I think I will be ok. If I was having every symptom in the book I might be tempted to test earlier but because I really have nothing and feel sort of down about this cycle I am not itching to test.
We also decided to tell only immediate family right after. This time we have a little heads up because we know who the blabbers are, lol, and not to tell those people.
Oh, and to top it all off FF changed my crosshairs last night so I am only 4dpo today apparently...weird. My temp also went down a bit this morning. I am not sure if that was from lack of sleep or what but my temps after ovulation last time were beautiful...spot on...so a dip so soon in this one with very little symptoms from my body leaves me unsure of what to think. I don't know why but I just have a really unsure feeling about this cycle...i am not optimistic at all. Not DH though...he continues to believe he posses super sperm....we'll see about that...
The girls on my Feb POAS party have tried to reassure some of my fears saying that each pregnancy is different and my body may just be responding differently. How much truth that holds I don't know but it is sure nice to have something to hold on to.
Friday, 27 January 2012
The Things I Do....
Yesterday was my first day of Pineapple Core. And all I have to say is this...blah..ick..chewy grossness.
Oh the things we will do to conceive... I have to date:
Cut out almost ALL caffeine
Completely cut out alcohol
Starting watching my diet...eating more fruits and veggies
POAS almost every day
Drank boatloads of water
Drank grapefruit juice to induce ovulation
Taken prenatals - horse pills - for months
Taken baby aspirin for the last two and a half weeks
Taken Musinex for the last week and a half
Will eat pineapple core 1-5 DPO
Elevated certain body parts to assist in conception
DTD in very specific positions
Taken temperature every morning
Checked CM and CP
And the list goes on and on....
Personally it frustrates me now when I hear people/friends of ours say, "Getting pregnant is so easy, we just did it in the middle of my cycle and voila a baby 9 months later!"
Voila? VOILA?! Are you freaking kidding me. Oh it must be nice to have a normal 28 day cycle but I NEVER have...and especially have not since the mc. Getting pregnant is easy? Ha! Easy my ass....
Now I guess I can't get too frustrated because to date we have been pregnant two times in the last four months. One chemical, one mc at about 7ish weeks. So technically its not the GETTING pregnant that we suck at...it's the STAYING pregnant we are having issues with.
I have considered myself to be 1DPO today. Nothing terribly unusual symptoms wise. I had less sleep last night because of Molly again and then have just been gassy today. But nothing to write home about. Part of me is secretly hoping my bbs start to hurt and I start to throw up any day now, lol. I have also told DH that I hope I am just sicker then a dog this time around. I had it pretty good during the last one and in my mind I have told myself if I have more of the symptoms that will make it more sustainable. Watch me totally kick myself for saying that one....
Oh the things we will do to conceive... I have to date:
Cut out almost ALL caffeine
Completely cut out alcohol
Starting watching my diet...eating more fruits and veggies
POAS almost every day
Drank boatloads of water
Drank grapefruit juice to induce ovulation
Taken prenatals - horse pills - for months
Taken baby aspirin for the last two and a half weeks
Taken Musinex for the last week and a half
Will eat pineapple core 1-5 DPO
Elevated certain body parts to assist in conception
DTD in very specific positions
Taken temperature every morning
Checked CM and CP
And the list goes on and on....
Personally it frustrates me now when I hear people/friends of ours say, "Getting pregnant is so easy, we just did it in the middle of my cycle and voila a baby 9 months later!"
Voila? VOILA?! Are you freaking kidding me. Oh it must be nice to have a normal 28 day cycle but I NEVER have...and especially have not since the mc. Getting pregnant is easy? Ha! Easy my ass....
Now I guess I can't get too frustrated because to date we have been pregnant two times in the last four months. One chemical, one mc at about 7ish weeks. So technically its not the GETTING pregnant that we suck at...it's the STAYING pregnant we are having issues with.
I have considered myself to be 1DPO today. Nothing terribly unusual symptoms wise. I had less sleep last night because of Molly again and then have just been gassy today. But nothing to write home about. Part of me is secretly hoping my bbs start to hurt and I start to throw up any day now, lol. I have also told DH that I hope I am just sicker then a dog this time around. I had it pretty good during the last one and in my mind I have told myself if I have more of the symptoms that will make it more sustainable. Watch me totally kick myself for saying that one....
Thursday, 26 January 2012
2WW - Take Two
Am I slightly crazy to admit I actually don't mind the 2 week wait? I will admit the first time I was going out of my mind with waiting but now that I know what to expect, what I should start feeling and when it will begin to take place... I am a little more at peace. Also I think it helps that I do not really have to wait a full two weeks...it is more like a week and a half. Perhaps that is because a certain someone up there knows how I don't particularly "wait" all that well...
DH and I have BD the heck out of this cycle. Because there is a slight chance ovulation may go through today or tomorrow we are going to continue that dance until this weekend...I mean..why not? Especially since we have been told DTD is off limits completely for us the first trimester (and maybe past) we might as well get it out of our system somewhat...- as if that is even possible for guys...?!
Sometimes I still feel a little jipped that this journey hasn't been a walk in the park. My boss was all excited yesterday because her daughter JUST found out she was pregnant. But get this...she had no idea...she is coming to the end of her fourth month and had no idea, none, she just took a HPT three days ago and it was confirmed at the doctor yesterday. I wonder what that would be like...?
I read somewhere that to help aid pregnancy you should be in a state of mind that you ARE pregnant. So...that is what I am doing. I am THINKING like I am carrying a baby. As crazy as it sounds it can't hurt...right?
My temp dropped this morning so I have a sneaking suspicion that I ovulate today. The next week and a half will be a careful watch of my temp to see if it starts to climb. Fingers Xed.
I had to laugh at my DH mom at the beginning of this week. Apparently her and my FIL are wanting to plan another trip this year (they just got back from Africa...so jealous). But they don't want to make plans around the time I might be pregnant...they don't want to miss it (how sweet). So she asked that I tell her the MOMENT I know. She swore she wouldn't tell a soul. The funny thing is, since I know we get pregnant fairly easily this is the scenario that popped into my head...:
"Hi, Mrs. A - I am just calling to let you know I am about to have a romantic encounter with your son." I'm so lame, lol.
I feel sort of at a crossroads at the moment. The question in my mind is...do I tell everyone when we find out again? The first time we told our families at just under the two month period...Christmas Day - thankfully we really did not tell anyone else except close friends so going around and telling people about the mc was not an issue. Now it seems so many people feel like they are going through this with us they want to be kept in the loop. Both our families have made a point of saying if we get pregnant again they want to know right away. As sweet as that is, it is really scary. Everyone is already treating me with kid gloves. I still get asked all the time if I am alright. I fear that when they find out I am pregnant again that will only become more of a problem. It is so hard...I so do not want to let myself or anyone else down again. Especially my DH. A month ago we were hurting so much...even though we feel we have made great strides since then I can't help but feel maybe I should keep the news to ourselves until we know for sure. But then again...do you ever really know for sure...?
DH and I have BD the heck out of this cycle. Because there is a slight chance ovulation may go through today or tomorrow we are going to continue that dance until this weekend...I mean..why not? Especially since we have been told DTD is off limits completely for us the first trimester (and maybe past) we might as well get it out of our system somewhat...- as if that is even possible for guys...?!
Sometimes I still feel a little jipped that this journey hasn't been a walk in the park. My boss was all excited yesterday because her daughter JUST found out she was pregnant. But get this...she had no idea...she is coming to the end of her fourth month and had no idea, none, she just took a HPT three days ago and it was confirmed at the doctor yesterday. I wonder what that would be like...?
I read somewhere that to help aid pregnancy you should be in a state of mind that you ARE pregnant. So...that is what I am doing. I am THINKING like I am carrying a baby. As crazy as it sounds it can't hurt...right?
My temp dropped this morning so I have a sneaking suspicion that I ovulate today. The next week and a half will be a careful watch of my temp to see if it starts to climb. Fingers Xed.
I had to laugh at my DH mom at the beginning of this week. Apparently her and my FIL are wanting to plan another trip this year (they just got back from Africa...so jealous). But they don't want to make plans around the time I might be pregnant...they don't want to miss it (how sweet). So she asked that I tell her the MOMENT I know. She swore she wouldn't tell a soul. The funny thing is, since I know we get pregnant fairly easily this is the scenario that popped into my head...:
"Hi, Mrs. A - I am just calling to let you know I am about to have a romantic encounter with your son." I'm so lame, lol.
I feel sort of at a crossroads at the moment. The question in my mind is...do I tell everyone when we find out again? The first time we told our families at just under the two month period...Christmas Day - thankfully we really did not tell anyone else except close friends so going around and telling people about the mc was not an issue. Now it seems so many people feel like they are going through this with us they want to be kept in the loop. Both our families have made a point of saying if we get pregnant again they want to know right away. As sweet as that is, it is really scary. Everyone is already treating me with kid gloves. I still get asked all the time if I am alright. I fear that when they find out I am pregnant again that will only become more of a problem. It is so hard...I so do not want to let myself or anyone else down again. Especially my DH. A month ago we were hurting so much...even though we feel we have made great strides since then I can't help but feel maybe I should keep the news to ourselves until we know for sure. But then again...do you ever really know for sure...?
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Fertility Friend
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/33a6a3
Above is a link to my FF chart. You will see today's temp is not added. Well...yesterday our puppy was spayed and she cried and whined through the whole night. Such bad timing...Of course DH slept right through it...but me...the light sleeper had to suffer through her cries all night...thus resulting in what would have been a pretty inaccurate temperature. Feel free to follow along and see if my temp rises and if I go triphasic...which I tend to do when pregnant. I will also post my BFP or BFN.
Above is a link to my FF chart. You will see today's temp is not added. Well...yesterday our puppy was spayed and she cried and whined through the whole night. Such bad timing...Of course DH slept right through it...but me...the light sleeper had to suffer through her cries all night...thus resulting in what would have been a pretty inaccurate temperature. Feel free to follow along and see if my temp rises and if I go triphasic...which I tend to do when pregnant. I will also post my BFP or BFN.
..And We're Dancing...
And so the BD begins! I will POAS Feb 4, 2012 and as of now if I ovulate when I think I will our HEDD will be Oct 18, 2012. Thankfully I am not one of those people who has to wait the whole two weeks. I find I get a BFP at about 9DPO. I told DH to hide the HPT from me or else I will be tempted to test sooner!
Needing all your thoughts, prayers and TONS of sticky baby dust!
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
OMG!!!!!
Hells ya!
Quote Of The Day
"I am pretty much trying every trick/tip/oldwives tale to ovulate and/or get pregnant. I mean...if someone were to tell me that standing on my head for 10 mins a day would help, I would probably be doing that too." - Me -
CD29 no OV and still chuggin' along...Thomas the train style....I think I can I think I can I think I can....
CD29 no OV and still chuggin' along...Thomas the train style....I think I can I think I can I think I can....
Monday, 23 January 2012
Monday Madness
Good morning!! Today has already gotten off to an odd start. Black ice on my road and slid down our hill almost getting into an accident...then when getting onto the main road I see all the power is out and it is four way stops all the way to work. FINALLY get to work only to see the power is out there as well, my security fob will not let me in and sets off the alarm. I wait until my supervisor arrives who then tells everyone to go home and be safe. So here I am...at home...no power....stealing internet (lol) and considering going back to bed for a nap. Why not?
Now on to other news...I am on CD28...yes...that would mean it has approx been 4 weeks from my miscarriage. Four weeks and no ovulation...major bummer. However...yesterday I had loads of EWCM and my CP was SHOW. So I was convinced I was going to ovulate. No such luck. My digital said no and when I pulled out the stick to analyze it (be honest...you do it too...lol) I noticed the line was getting darker. Hey...at least that is a good sign.
I have recently considered lieing about my last AF date. Because doctors box you in with this whole dating the pregnancy from last AF and a "normal" 28 day cycle I am just considering taking the day I ovulate and backing that date 14 days to give me the first day of my non-existant AF. Because lets be honest...if I were to go in a week from now if I ovulated today and tell them I am pregnant I would technically be 5 weeks pregnant...which is so not even possible. Someone really needs to adjust that theory...because I know very few people who have an exact 28 day cycle ovulating on CD14. It may be untruthful but at least I will have a more correct DD.
Tonight we take our precious Molly into the vet to get spayed...poor girl. And...I go for a hair cut and color. I am really looking forward to this. Its my little way of doing something nice for myself...I figure I deserve it. Plus I couldn't do anything with my hair when I was pregnant because they don't suggest you put yourself near all those chemicals so while I have this window I am going for it! I am trying out a new place so hopefully I will be happy with the results.
I am pulling out all the stops and calling in all the old wives tales...which means drinking green tea and grapefruit juice to promote ovulation....taking my baby aspirin to promote good uterine lining, taking prenatals and musinex and eating lots of greens and drinking lots of water. And...still waiting. But...I actually don't mind the wait. Because this means DH and I will hopefully have a November baby because of the late ovulation. So come on body...regulate yourself...I'm counting on you...!
Now on to other news...I am on CD28...yes...that would mean it has approx been 4 weeks from my miscarriage. Four weeks and no ovulation...major bummer. However...yesterday I had loads of EWCM and my CP was SHOW. So I was convinced I was going to ovulate. No such luck. My digital said no and when I pulled out the stick to analyze it (be honest...you do it too...lol) I noticed the line was getting darker. Hey...at least that is a good sign.
I have recently considered lieing about my last AF date. Because doctors box you in with this whole dating the pregnancy from last AF and a "normal" 28 day cycle I am just considering taking the day I ovulate and backing that date 14 days to give me the first day of my non-existant AF. Because lets be honest...if I were to go in a week from now if I ovulated today and tell them I am pregnant I would technically be 5 weeks pregnant...which is so not even possible. Someone really needs to adjust that theory...because I know very few people who have an exact 28 day cycle ovulating on CD14. It may be untruthful but at least I will have a more correct DD.
Tonight we take our precious Molly into the vet to get spayed...poor girl. And...I go for a hair cut and color. I am really looking forward to this. Its my little way of doing something nice for myself...I figure I deserve it. Plus I couldn't do anything with my hair when I was pregnant because they don't suggest you put yourself near all those chemicals so while I have this window I am going for it! I am trying out a new place so hopefully I will be happy with the results.
I am pulling out all the stops and calling in all the old wives tales...which means drinking green tea and grapefruit juice to promote ovulation....taking my baby aspirin to promote good uterine lining, taking prenatals and musinex and eating lots of greens and drinking lots of water. And...still waiting. But...I actually don't mind the wait. Because this means DH and I will hopefully have a November baby because of the late ovulation. So come on body...regulate yourself...I'm counting on you...!
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Xing Fingers...
CD24: Hello EWCM! Good sign? I think so! Hopefully my OPK will agree tonight...I only have four sticks left...eeekkk!
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
The Maternal Effect
I am not a "dog person". Growing up I was never the kid who begged for a puppy and even when we had a dog twice growing up it never really fazed me. So when my DH negotiated to get a puppy right after the wedding I can't say I was too pleased. The first week with the dog was a nightmare. My DH ended up working long hours leaving me with a puppy to train and take care of. I felt slightly jipped. After all, wasn't it him who wanted the dog in the first place?
All that being said my number one advice for someone who has just gone through a mc....find something to love, nurture or mother. Channel that into something. That puppy turned out to be the best thing for my well being. DH would almost admit that Molly loves me more then him. But after all...I do spend more time with her due to his work schedule. One thing you should know is Molly is a HUGE cuddler. For a rotty that is very interesting. She wont touch her food, or go outside to go to the bathroom until you have cuddled and loved her for at least 5 mins. I as well...am a huge cuddler...much to DH's dismay.
Molly seems to be extremely instinctive as to what I need. Yesterday as I was at home feeling crummy and sad she was amazing. So well behaved and loving. It was almost as if she was taking care of me. Being albe to love, care for and nurture Molly has been so good for life after mc. So I take it back...a dog in our life isnt such a bad thing after all....
Tonight DH and I have a dinner date with a couple who just recently had a mc as well. Talking with her has been extremely enlightening. She is always honest and open about her experiences and hearing mine. Part of me is really hoping we will get to go through this baby journey together. Although she already has three adorable children - well four including her DH, lol - it would be nice to share the experience with someone who I feel a connection with.
Today is CD23 with no OV in sight. Although my CP is high I don't really see any other difference. I am running out of OPKs. I have 5 sticks left so here is to hoping something happens soon! If not I may have to make an appointment with my Dr. I am just kicking myself that I didn't ask him all the questions I have floating around inside my head but that was not really top priority of conversation yesterday. It feels sucky that I should have ovulated a week ago...I should be on my TWW...I SHOULD have been getting ready to use my HPT this Sunday...
All that being said my number one advice for someone who has just gone through a mc....find something to love, nurture or mother. Channel that into something. That puppy turned out to be the best thing for my well being. DH would almost admit that Molly loves me more then him. But after all...I do spend more time with her due to his work schedule. One thing you should know is Molly is a HUGE cuddler. For a rotty that is very interesting. She wont touch her food, or go outside to go to the bathroom until you have cuddled and loved her for at least 5 mins. I as well...am a huge cuddler...much to DH's dismay.
Molly seems to be extremely instinctive as to what I need. Yesterday as I was at home feeling crummy and sad she was amazing. So well behaved and loving. It was almost as if she was taking care of me. Being albe to love, care for and nurture Molly has been so good for life after mc. So I take it back...a dog in our life isnt such a bad thing after all....
Tonight DH and I have a dinner date with a couple who just recently had a mc as well. Talking with her has been extremely enlightening. She is always honest and open about her experiences and hearing mine. Part of me is really hoping we will get to go through this baby journey together. Although she already has three adorable children - well four including her DH, lol - it would be nice to share the experience with someone who I feel a connection with.
Today is CD23 with no OV in sight. Although my CP is high I don't really see any other difference. I am running out of OPKs. I have 5 sticks left so here is to hoping something happens soon! If not I may have to make an appointment with my Dr. I am just kicking myself that I didn't ask him all the questions I have floating around inside my head but that was not really top priority of conversation yesterday. It feels sucky that I should have ovulated a week ago...I should be on my TWW...I SHOULD have been getting ready to use my HPT this Sunday...
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
The Hard Moments
Yesterday was a tough one. I received a very unprofessional call from a lady at my doctors office informing me of an appointment made for me and my baby (ouch). After many tears and a sleepless night I decided to take the day off and stay at home. I wasn't feeling well to begin with and that just pushed me over the edge.
Rewind to about just over two months ago:
DH and I had just found out we were pregnant we went to the Dr's office to get referrals because my GP doesn't handle maternity. We told him we had just seen a midwife but she was not someone we felt comfortable handling the pregnancy after a very umm...intrestesting meet and greet and thus needed some suggestions from him on who might suit my personality and birth plan. He said he would look into it and get back to me.
Weeks passed and we didn't hear from him but we never followed up as we mc a few weeks later.
Fast forward to yesterday:
It came as a surprise to me that I was getting a call from my Dr's office regarding an OB because I had been in the hospital two consecutive days due to my mc. Apparently that info from the hospital never got forwarded to my doctor... So now after having to recap the last couple weeks to this random women on the phone about my mc she pretty much gets frustrated with me and goes on to say regardless of the "situation" I have to call and cancel the appointments made by her myself. I then question this saying I had no idea of the appointments so why would I have to cancel an appointment I never made and shouldn't there be extenuating circumstances for things like this where my health care provider would step up so I, in the midst of going through the upsetting process of a mc, should not have to take on anymore stress? She never once apologized for the mishap of my mc not being on file and the over sight of the office and lightened her tone which frustrated me to no end. What made me more upset is she can tell I am crying on the phone after telling her of the mc and how her tone and words she chose were really upsetting me she tells me "she doesn't know what I am talking about she doesn't have a tone and I am the one who is being unhelpful. I need to take the number from her and call and cancel the appointment." So after that I get give up frustrated, take the number from her and hang up so upset knowing that is one more call I have to make and why do I even have a health care provider if this is how things are handled?
Personally I believe there were so many ways she could have handled that call differently...even just by softening her tone and ending the call right after hearing of the mc and going back to the Dr to explain the situation. I doubt that would have been unacceptable. But its too late for that, I, after being scolded for not being cooperative by this random women and am now uncontrollably sobbing. After some hugs from DH and a call to my mom I call back the office to get the name of the women I just talked to so I can ask that she never have contact with me ever again. The problem is...she answers the phone. And when I ask for her name she get extremely upset telling me she has never in 5 1/2 years been complained about and she could barely understand me on the phone and if she would have known that I had a mc (hmmm, interesting, I never mentioned this on the second call so she obviously heard me..) she would have talked to me different. Well I proceed to tell her that she must of heard me quite well because she carried on quite a good conversation for someone who couldn't hear me and from one customer service professional to another I would have handled the call very differently. She ends the call by telling me that she was just doing her job. Oddly enough I doubt very much that is how protocol is followed for a situation like that....
This morning I received a personal phone call from my doctor who profusely apologized for two things.
1. That he had no idea about my mc because the hospital had never sent over the records so he was under the impression I was still pregnant and
2. They have had numerous problems with the women who spoke to me and her job contract will not be renewed and she will never handle my file again.
My doctor then went on to make sure that I in no way thought the mc was something I or DH did. He was so concerned and it really touched my heart that he cared about DH and I that much emotionally to make sure we were under no impression that it was a fault of our own. He encouraged us to keep trying and to keep positive and that he was there for us if need be. THIS is why he is my doctor. Bless his heart.
To be quiet honest it is hard to be happy about someone losing their job because all I really think she needed was some retraining and some lessons on tact but nonetheless it is what it is. I am just glad I do not have to find a new Dr because I seriously considered that last night during my restless night of sleep. I certainly did not want to stay somewhere that treated their patients with that amount of disrespect.
But on to today...because that is all one can do..move on. I am STILL not ovulating and waiting waiting waiting. So here I sit on the couch watching the snow fall from the sky and TLC's What Not To Wear drinking my copious amounts of water.
I was actually thinking about it today how wonderful it would be to have a November baby. So even if I don't ovulate for another week I am actually looking forward to that possibility. Its nice after all this upset to actually be excited and looking forward to something. Let's hope that feeling lasts...
Monday, 16 January 2012
(Not so) Patiently Waiting
It is a very snowy Monday here in the Fraser Valley. Brrrr....it was sure hard getting to work!
As for me it is CD (Cover Day) 21 and still no ovulation. I was sooo hopeful for this weekend, but no.
I have 7 more clearblue OPK tests left...I ordered the First response ones yesterday by mistake and was instantly ticked off when I read the reviews on their OPKs because apparently unlike the clearblue ones they completely shut off after you get a positive and you cannot use the remainder ones. That is a big fat fail for First Response in my opinion. No wonder they were cheaper.
I have still been feeling a little optimistic as one lady on my TTC board only ovulated at like CD41 after mc and another lady posted on her blog only ovulated at like CD28 after her mc. There is still time. I was convinced AF was on her way though because usually right before I get really irritated, agitated and emotional. And I had one full day of that - poor DH. But no sign on her so far thankfully. But so much for having an early October due date...I can pretty much kiss that goodbye.
My temp took a HUGE nosedive over the weekend...not sure what that is supposed to mean...but fertility friend is convinced I ovulated even though all my OPKs have been negative. If I did indeed ovulate on the day Fertility Friend predicted our chances for this cycle are not great as DH and I only BD like two days before the predicted ovulation....so on that front it is not looking good.
Brunch over the weekend was ok, not too much baby talk. I am still getting use to the fact that so many people around me are pregnant. I am not bitter...just frustrated. Why is it that my body never does what I want it to do?
As for me it is CD (Cover Day) 21 and still no ovulation. I was sooo hopeful for this weekend, but no.
I have 7 more clearblue OPK tests left...I ordered the First response ones yesterday by mistake and was instantly ticked off when I read the reviews on their OPKs because apparently unlike the clearblue ones they completely shut off after you get a positive and you cannot use the remainder ones. That is a big fat fail for First Response in my opinion. No wonder they were cheaper.
I have still been feeling a little optimistic as one lady on my TTC board only ovulated at like CD41 after mc and another lady posted on her blog only ovulated at like CD28 after her mc. There is still time. I was convinced AF was on her way though because usually right before I get really irritated, agitated and emotional. And I had one full day of that - poor DH. But no sign on her so far thankfully. But so much for having an early October due date...I can pretty much kiss that goodbye.
My temp took a HUGE nosedive over the weekend...not sure what that is supposed to mean...but fertility friend is convinced I ovulated even though all my OPKs have been negative. If I did indeed ovulate on the day Fertility Friend predicted our chances for this cycle are not great as DH and I only BD like two days before the predicted ovulation....so on that front it is not looking good.
Brunch over the weekend was ok, not too much baby talk. I am still getting use to the fact that so many people around me are pregnant. I am not bitter...just frustrated. Why is it that my body never does what I want it to do?
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Spirit Baby
Thank you Angie for making me cry at 5:45AM on a Saturday morning, lol. I know I said I was not going to post this weekend but this was too great too pass up and hopefully the other ladies TTC can read this and feel the joy and hope I felt.
~Chapter Excerpt from Part IV of Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife
~Spirit Baby
"Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I'd miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.
Stunned w hen the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I'd just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I'd been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I'd be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.
Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it's a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother."
I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don't you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don't? I mean, you're my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.
So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here's how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that's the baby that's born. If she doesn't get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby's born…now listen, Mom, because here's the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it's always first in line. Isn't that great?
"So you just have to get pregnant again, and you'll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don't, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman's circle, and it'll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born.
"But it'd be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really. I've always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I'm talking about here, Mom."
In spite of Colin's certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn't give up and even enlisted his sister's support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.
Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I'd told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. "Colin, I don't understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?"
He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply.
"Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!"
Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it."
It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision.
So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there's no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we "needed a baby in the house." Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed – and made a giant leap of faith.
I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it." (End)
~Chapter Excerpt from Part IV of Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife
~Spirit Baby
"Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I'd miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.
Stunned w hen the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I'd just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I'd been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I'd be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.
Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it's a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother."
I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don't you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don't? I mean, you're my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.
So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here's how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that's the baby that's born. If she doesn't get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby's born…now listen, Mom, because here's the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it's always first in line. Isn't that great?
"So you just have to get pregnant again, and you'll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don't, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman's circle, and it'll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born.
"But it'd be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really. I've always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I'm talking about here, Mom."
In spite of Colin's certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn't give up and even enlisted his sister's support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.
Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I'd told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. "Colin, I don't understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?"
He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply.
"Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!"
Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it."
It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision.
So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there's no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we "needed a baby in the house." Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed – and made a giant leap of faith.
I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it." (End)
Friday, 13 January 2012
TGIF
Here's my update:
- Still negative
- Cervical position/etc still not cooperating
- Still having nightmares
But...its FRIDAY! Yay! And you know what that means? It is date night! I love date night. Tonight's date night includes dinner at Schnitzels (I may have totally spelt that wrong) and then a movie - We Bought A Zoo - at the theatre. I see you raising your eyebrows at the choice of movie but at this time I do not really think I can handle anything at this point in time that involves too much violence, drama or horror. Well, that is IF my hubby gets off work in time. He has been putting in a lot of overtime. Not that I am complaining...that overtime sort of pays for things like our ummmm...date nights, lol.
The name of the game is still to ovulate before Sunday. Although I do not see that happening anything is possible.
I hope everyone has an excellent weekend and if I happen to get that positive OPK I will be sure to post all about it!
- Still negative
- Cervical position/etc still not cooperating
- Still having nightmares
But...its FRIDAY! Yay! And you know what that means? It is date night! I love date night. Tonight's date night includes dinner at Schnitzels (I may have totally spelt that wrong) and then a movie - We Bought A Zoo - at the theatre. I see you raising your eyebrows at the choice of movie but at this time I do not really think I can handle anything at this point in time that involves too much violence, drama or horror. Well, that is IF my hubby gets off work in time. He has been putting in a lot of overtime. Not that I am complaining...that overtime sort of pays for things like our ummmm...date nights, lol.
The name of the game is still to ovulate before Sunday. Although I do not see that happening anything is possible.
I hope everyone has an excellent weekend and if I happen to get that positive OPK I will be sure to post all about it!
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Negative
Yesterday came and went and all my OPKs were negative. Bummer. But the goal is to get a positive OPK before sunday. So I am not giving up yet. My husband is pretty sure my current obsession with POAS is going to put us in the poor house but I can't help it...its like a security blanket...those OPKs are the only tangible thing that lets me know whats going on with my body at this time.
The days just seem to drag now. I suppose it doesn't help that I have not been getting much sleep. I am usually not one who has dreams or nightmares...and if I do I cannot seem to remember them but as of recently it seems as though every night I am experiencing nightmares.
Last night my husband and I had a talk about how far we are willing to go to have a full term pregnancy. It was an interesting discussion. As of right now our fiances cannot really afford only one income (stupid mortgage) so if I were to be put on bed rest at any point that would be a concern. My mother however, brought up a really good point...she said "whats nine months to you for 100 years to someone else". It really puts it into perspective. How much of my life would I be willing to give up to pave the way for someone else? What sacrifices are we actually willing to make and are we prepared to make those if need be? I knew there would be sacrifices in parenting but who knew they would come so early?
Personally I am a big fan of "doing". Perhaps that has something to do with my control freak nature but I have always said if you are unhappy with something, don't cry about it, DO something about it. Upset about the hunger in Africa...DO something about it. Hate your job....DO something about it. That is probably why this whole pregnancy thing is frustrating the heck out of me. I would say to myself..."Kyla...don't whine...DO something about it." But... I can't "do" anything about it until my body ALLOWS me to...so I'm stuck waiting...and preparing...and doing lots of reading and research and drinking lots of water....and it sucks. So for now..this is me...waiting...not so patiently for something to happen....
So send your thoughts, prayers, love, baby dust, good vibes and anything else you can think of my way. Apparently I'm going to need it.
The days just seem to drag now. I suppose it doesn't help that I have not been getting much sleep. I am usually not one who has dreams or nightmares...and if I do I cannot seem to remember them but as of recently it seems as though every night I am experiencing nightmares.
Last night my husband and I had a talk about how far we are willing to go to have a full term pregnancy. It was an interesting discussion. As of right now our fiances cannot really afford only one income (stupid mortgage) so if I were to be put on bed rest at any point that would be a concern. My mother however, brought up a really good point...she said "whats nine months to you for 100 years to someone else". It really puts it into perspective. How much of my life would I be willing to give up to pave the way for someone else? What sacrifices are we actually willing to make and are we prepared to make those if need be? I knew there would be sacrifices in parenting but who knew they would come so early?
Personally I am a big fan of "doing". Perhaps that has something to do with my control freak nature but I have always said if you are unhappy with something, don't cry about it, DO something about it. Upset about the hunger in Africa...DO something about it. Hate your job....DO something about it. That is probably why this whole pregnancy thing is frustrating the heck out of me. I would say to myself..."Kyla...don't whine...DO something about it." But... I can't "do" anything about it until my body ALLOWS me to...so I'm stuck waiting...and preparing...and doing lots of reading and research and drinking lots of water....and it sucks. So for now..this is me...waiting...not so patiently for something to happen....
So send your thoughts, prayers, love, baby dust, good vibes and anything else you can think of my way. Apparently I'm going to need it.
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Hopeful
Today I am really trying to retain as much hope as possible as today is the day I am SUPPOSED to ovulate...that is IF the miscarriage did not mess with my system. However, I am a little bummed because yesterday my cervical position was no where near what it needed to be for an impending ovulation. But...(and hear me out...I swear I'm not crazy) because I miscarried so late in the day on the 26th I am possibly thinking that ovulation might just be moved to tomorrow....Also, my OPKs have been frighteningly light.
My amazing husband is doing so well! When we made the decision after the miscarriage to start trying again it was agreed upon that we would be super serious about it then. I had already started preparing on my part...I have been taking my prenatals, watching what I eat, have not had an alcoholic beverage since new years eve and am not drinking any pop and am attempting to drink boatloads of water. Personally the caffeine isnt a big deal for me because I am allergic to coffee and I am also allergic to seafood. So no biggies on that end. But...my amazing husband gave up beer for the month of January while we try! We joke that we don't want to get me pregnant with retarded beer sperm, lol.
Sunday we go to a brunch where a close friend is very pregnant and I am hoping to have ovulated before then so the visit is not as painful. At least with the hope of ovulation I have something to hold on to.
It came to the attention of my husband and I that we have been "pregnant" two times in the past four months. I had not really thought of it like that. We stopped using protection after the wedding and when "the witch" had not come by the end of October I went to the doctor where I found out my body was going through a chemical pregnancy. I was slightly relived to hear that as we both had ingested quiet a bit of alcohol during our all-inclusive stay in Mexico for the honeymoon. Then we fell pregnant again in November to miscarry at the end of December. So...like the nurse in the ER told me...at least we know we can GET pregnant...its convincing my body to carry to full term that is the hard part apparently.
My amazing husband is doing so well! When we made the decision after the miscarriage to start trying again it was agreed upon that we would be super serious about it then. I had already started preparing on my part...I have been taking my prenatals, watching what I eat, have not had an alcoholic beverage since new years eve and am not drinking any pop and am attempting to drink boatloads of water. Personally the caffeine isnt a big deal for me because I am allergic to coffee and I am also allergic to seafood. So no biggies on that end. But...my amazing husband gave up beer for the month of January while we try! We joke that we don't want to get me pregnant with retarded beer sperm, lol.
Sunday we go to a brunch where a close friend is very pregnant and I am hoping to have ovulated before then so the visit is not as painful. At least with the hope of ovulation I have something to hold on to.
It came to the attention of my husband and I that we have been "pregnant" two times in the past four months. I had not really thought of it like that. We stopped using protection after the wedding and when "the witch" had not come by the end of October I went to the doctor where I found out my body was going through a chemical pregnancy. I was slightly relived to hear that as we both had ingested quiet a bit of alcohol during our all-inclusive stay in Mexico for the honeymoon. Then we fell pregnant again in November to miscarry at the end of December. So...like the nurse in the ER told me...at least we know we can GET pregnant...its convincing my body to carry to full term that is the hard part apparently.
Monday, 9 January 2012
Happy Monday!
Today I am feeling really thankful. Although so many people in our lives do not understand what we are currently going through I am thankful for those who are letting us take this at our own pace. It is nice to know we have so many people available to us if and when needed. Some I have taken up on that offer as of very recently and others I have passed by.
I have been told I am doing quite well despite recent circumstances. Personally I don't even know how I am supposed to be "handling" this so I am just taking it as it comes. My husband has been an amazing rock. He has been excellent at listening to all my questions, fears and statements without judgement or annoyance... even when I have asked the same thing probably millions of times over the last two weeks. He has let me feel without being afraid for my emotional well-being. This shows me that he truly has gotten to know how I am over the last couple years.
Currently I am of the thought that there is nowhere to go but forward from here. After talking about it with my husband we feel that trying again will be a big part of the healing process for us. As most would say we are ready to "jump back on the horse". I have been given no medical reason as to why we cannot continue trying for our little bundle of joy. Emotionally the miscarriage did not break me. Sure it was hard and something that I might always carry with me but I am still filled with a great amount of hope.
The internet has been a great resource to me. I feel comforted by the many groups I have joined such as my January POAS Party page (*waves*). It continually fills me with hope to see other women on the same board who are hoping for (what I have just learnt is) a "rainbow baby" so soon after miscarriage and have now fallen pregnant once again. Some after as little as one cycle!
So where does that leave me now you ask? Well, I rejoined Fertility Friend and have been temping and using my OPK religiously. Although it is frustrating to see I am still testing negative I have to keep reminding myself my body is still adapting. I could still have high HCG levels and it is still early on in my cycle.I still had a positive HPT as of last week so my levels could still be up fairly high. Although I test REALLY sensitive...I can get a BFP on an HPT 8DPO...which is really early. If my cycle is indeed on track and hasn't been put wildly out of place I should OV around this wednesday (fingers crossed). Sooo...here's to lots of hope, prayers and tons of baby dust sent my way!
I have been told I am doing quite well despite recent circumstances. Personally I don't even know how I am supposed to be "handling" this so I am just taking it as it comes. My husband has been an amazing rock. He has been excellent at listening to all my questions, fears and statements without judgement or annoyance... even when I have asked the same thing probably millions of times over the last two weeks. He has let me feel without being afraid for my emotional well-being. This shows me that he truly has gotten to know how I am over the last couple years.
Currently I am of the thought that there is nowhere to go but forward from here. After talking about it with my husband we feel that trying again will be a big part of the healing process for us. As most would say we are ready to "jump back on the horse". I have been given no medical reason as to why we cannot continue trying for our little bundle of joy. Emotionally the miscarriage did not break me. Sure it was hard and something that I might always carry with me but I am still filled with a great amount of hope.
The internet has been a great resource to me. I feel comforted by the many groups I have joined such as my January POAS Party page (*waves*). It continually fills me with hope to see other women on the same board who are hoping for (what I have just learnt is) a "rainbow baby" so soon after miscarriage and have now fallen pregnant once again. Some after as little as one cycle!
So where does that leave me now you ask? Well, I rejoined Fertility Friend and have been temping and using my OPK religiously. Although it is frustrating to see I am still testing negative I have to keep reminding myself my body is still adapting. I could still have high HCG levels and it is still early on in my cycle.I still had a positive HPT as of last week so my levels could still be up fairly high. Although I test REALLY sensitive...I can get a BFP on an HPT 8DPO...which is really early. If my cycle is indeed on track and hasn't been put wildly out of place I should OV around this wednesday (fingers crossed). Sooo...here's to lots of hope, prayers and tons of baby dust sent my way!
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Random Emotions
I find usually I am quite a sensitive emotional person. Logical at most times - purely random at others. Today was one of those days where my emotions have taken me by surprise. I don't think I have cried since...hmmm...probably December 30th. Oh don't get me wrong, the emotions are there I just think I am so tired of being sad.
Today I thought watching a harmless chick flick would be fine. It was Maid In Manhattan (lame right?). Anyways, I was doing fine until the moment in the movie where J.Lo is standing at the stove and her son notices that she is sad and comes up behind her and gives her a hug. A few moments later the tears are streaming down my face as I am not thinking about the movie...my thoughts were...will I ever have that connection?
The biggest fear I have right now is IF I will be able to carry to term. My husband and I know we have no problem conceiving. The first two times we tried, it happened. The first ended in a chemical pregnancy the next in a miscarriage. My fear comes into place when I think about my aunt. I am so much like her in so many ways. Where and how we put on weight, our physical build, our blood type and most recently our pregnancy woes. She has never been able to carry fully term. This scares me to my very core. I don't think anyone can really understand this until they have been there. In fact..its hard to talk to my best friend, mother or anyone else as they are trying to stay so positive but I am frightened. They don't understand...I think they would like to..but they don't. I do not hold this against them and yet I am tried of talking with the people who have been through this. I am sick of hearing the horror stories as if that is supposed to make me feel better that so-and-so lost their baby at 15 weeks or so-and-so delivered a still born. Really...is that really helpful??
My husband and I will continue to try as I think truly the only way I will be ever able to move on is to know I can and did bring a baby into our lives.
As much as I am trying to not let this moment in our lives consume our relationship I really feel as though I need to put my heart into something. I can't let this go...not yet.
I find the worry is something that is always in the back of my mind these days. I have been having more and more nightmares and constantly find myself thinking about that moment in the ultrasound techs office. I'm confused why people think I should be "back to normal"...I lost my BABY not even a week and a half ago. Yes it was early but I was still attached...I was still growing that precious thing inside me. I'm different...I've changed. Can't you see? I'm not that naive girl anymore. A piece of my heart is missing...you may not be able to see that on any scan or report but I know...I feel it....that feeling may never go away...and I'm ok with that.
As I was trying to fall asleep last night the lyrics to Coldplays "Fix You" and Sarah Mclachlan's "Angel" kept repeating themselves over and over in my head. This is supposed to get easier as time goes...right?
Today I thought watching a harmless chick flick would be fine. It was Maid In Manhattan (lame right?). Anyways, I was doing fine until the moment in the movie where J.Lo is standing at the stove and her son notices that she is sad and comes up behind her and gives her a hug. A few moments later the tears are streaming down my face as I am not thinking about the movie...my thoughts were...will I ever have that connection?
The biggest fear I have right now is IF I will be able to carry to term. My husband and I know we have no problem conceiving. The first two times we tried, it happened. The first ended in a chemical pregnancy the next in a miscarriage. My fear comes into place when I think about my aunt. I am so much like her in so many ways. Where and how we put on weight, our physical build, our blood type and most recently our pregnancy woes. She has never been able to carry fully term. This scares me to my very core. I don't think anyone can really understand this until they have been there. In fact..its hard to talk to my best friend, mother or anyone else as they are trying to stay so positive but I am frightened. They don't understand...I think they would like to..but they don't. I do not hold this against them and yet I am tried of talking with the people who have been through this. I am sick of hearing the horror stories as if that is supposed to make me feel better that so-and-so lost their baby at 15 weeks or so-and-so delivered a still born. Really...is that really helpful??
My husband and I will continue to try as I think truly the only way I will be ever able to move on is to know I can and did bring a baby into our lives.
As much as I am trying to not let this moment in our lives consume our relationship I really feel as though I need to put my heart into something. I can't let this go...not yet.
I find the worry is something that is always in the back of my mind these days. I have been having more and more nightmares and constantly find myself thinking about that moment in the ultrasound techs office. I'm confused why people think I should be "back to normal"...I lost my BABY not even a week and a half ago. Yes it was early but I was still attached...I was still growing that precious thing inside me. I'm different...I've changed. Can't you see? I'm not that naive girl anymore. A piece of my heart is missing...you may not be able to see that on any scan or report but I know...I feel it....that feeling may never go away...and I'm ok with that.
As I was trying to fall asleep last night the lyrics to Coldplays "Fix You" and Sarah Mclachlan's "Angel" kept repeating themselves over and over in my head. This is supposed to get easier as time goes...right?
Thursday, 5 January 2012
It's not you...it's me...
As each day passes it gets a little easier. Today marks one week from the day we were told we were miscarrying. Although sometimes during the day there is a wave of sadness that passes over me I think I (and my husband) am doing quite well.
However, I think I could let this pass much easier if every time I logged onto facebook, my e-mail, watched TV or walked into the office I wasn’t bombarded by random baby information. In fact my husband commented the other day while we were watching TV, "Is it me or since we have started trying and lost the baby all I see are diaper commercials, ovulation and pregnancy commercials and so on...was it always like that?"
To top it off we have a few close friends who found out about their pregnancy right around the same time. Don't get me wrong...I am very happy for them...I am just more sad for us...because every time I am invited to a baby shower, see someone’s beautiful belly or hear about craving and wardrobe woes I am immediately sent into a dark place. I can’t help but think...that should be us...
Even though I have been told that it is extremely wrong of me to feel this I can't help but feel I have let so many people down...my husband who wants a baby so bad, my parents who thought they would be meeting their first grandchild in August and myself...mostly I feel like I let down myself. I am not good with failure. I never thought this would be us..here...in this place of loss and grief. And to tell you the truth it sucks. But what I think sucks most about it is there is no way to control what has happened or is happening...all I can control is how I react to it..and for the detail oriented, planning, control-freak of a person that I am...that's just not working. I'm TIRED of being strong and telling everyone "I'm ok". Its exhausting.
So for now..if I am not responding to your facebook messages, e-mails, phone calls and other forms of communication it is because I don't know what to say...because my momma taught me if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all. And to tell you the truth...at this moment...I am not exactly sure of the words that would come out of my mouth...
This is a time in my life where my heart and head are just not seeing eye to eye.
However, I think I could let this pass much easier if every time I logged onto facebook, my e-mail, watched TV or walked into the office I wasn’t bombarded by random baby information. In fact my husband commented the other day while we were watching TV, "Is it me or since we have started trying and lost the baby all I see are diaper commercials, ovulation and pregnancy commercials and so on...was it always like that?"
To top it off we have a few close friends who found out about their pregnancy right around the same time. Don't get me wrong...I am very happy for them...I am just more sad for us...because every time I am invited to a baby shower, see someone’s beautiful belly or hear about craving and wardrobe woes I am immediately sent into a dark place. I can’t help but think...that should be us...
Even though I have been told that it is extremely wrong of me to feel this I can't help but feel I have let so many people down...my husband who wants a baby so bad, my parents who thought they would be meeting their first grandchild in August and myself...mostly I feel like I let down myself. I am not good with failure. I never thought this would be us..here...in this place of loss and grief. And to tell you the truth it sucks. But what I think sucks most about it is there is no way to control what has happened or is happening...all I can control is how I react to it..and for the detail oriented, planning, control-freak of a person that I am...that's just not working. I'm TIRED of being strong and telling everyone "I'm ok". Its exhausting.
So for now..if I am not responding to your facebook messages, e-mails, phone calls and other forms of communication it is because I don't know what to say...because my momma taught me if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all. And to tell you the truth...at this moment...I am not exactly sure of the words that would come out of my mouth...
This is a time in my life where my heart and head are just not seeing eye to eye.
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
The 15%
One week ago today I rushed to the hospital in a panic where they did loads of blood/urine work because I knew something was wrong with the baby. After sitting in that tiny patient waiting room in the ER for what seemed like hours the doctor finally returned to tell me that
1. The tests were definitely coming back that I was pregnant and
2. Did I know I was RH-? and
3. What blood type is my husband?
I was very confused by all this. Why did he care what my blood type was and how did that relate to my pregnancy? I got on the phone and texted my husband at work and he texted me back saying he was a positive blood type. As soon as those words were out of my mouth the doctor says, "The nurse will be right in to give you a shot workup. Because you are negative and your husband is positive and positive types are dominant this most likely means the baby is positive. The good news is with your blood type you are basically acceptable to anyone, you can give blood to whomever you like. The bad news is if babies blood mixes with yours not only could it be fatal to you but can effect subsequent pregnancies as your body builds up a type of sensitivity to that blood type and attacks it. The more important factor is you have to receive these shots within 72 hours of any bleeding or that will change the outcome drastically. You say you only saw a problem Monday evening so I think we have caught it in time."
Apparently 85% of the population is of positive blood type. Why is it that I am always in that odd percentage?? When I went in to get laser eye surgery I was told I had 35% less cornea then the normal person and thus they had to bring in a specialist and perform a different type of surgery then would normally be done. Needless to say I am use to hearing these revelations.
I was filled with relief. After all ...the triage nurse in the ER just told me that early pregnancy bleeding is common and the doctor just said my tests results came back with really high HCG numbers. That was good right...everything was going to be alright...right? But I should have known from the lack of answers from the medical professionals currently surrounding me that no...it certainly was not going to be alright. I desperately wanted answers. I was tired of all the BS. Give it to me straight...I could handle it...I wasn’t 5 years old...I just needed to know....
1. The tests were definitely coming back that I was pregnant and
2. Did I know I was RH-? and
3. What blood type is my husband?
I was very confused by all this. Why did he care what my blood type was and how did that relate to my pregnancy? I got on the phone and texted my husband at work and he texted me back saying he was a positive blood type. As soon as those words were out of my mouth the doctor says, "The nurse will be right in to give you a shot workup. Because you are negative and your husband is positive and positive types are dominant this most likely means the baby is positive. The good news is with your blood type you are basically acceptable to anyone, you can give blood to whomever you like. The bad news is if babies blood mixes with yours not only could it be fatal to you but can effect subsequent pregnancies as your body builds up a type of sensitivity to that blood type and attacks it. The more important factor is you have to receive these shots within 72 hours of any bleeding or that will change the outcome drastically. You say you only saw a problem Monday evening so I think we have caught it in time."
Apparently 85% of the population is of positive blood type. Why is it that I am always in that odd percentage?? When I went in to get laser eye surgery I was told I had 35% less cornea then the normal person and thus they had to bring in a specialist and perform a different type of surgery then would normally be done. Needless to say I am use to hearing these revelations.
I was filled with relief. After all ...the triage nurse in the ER just told me that early pregnancy bleeding is common and the doctor just said my tests results came back with really high HCG numbers. That was good right...everything was going to be alright...right? But I should have known from the lack of answers from the medical professionals currently surrounding me that no...it certainly was not going to be alright. I desperately wanted answers. I was tired of all the BS. Give it to me straight...I could handle it...I wasn’t 5 years old...I just needed to know....
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Background
On Saturday September 3, 2011 I married the man I am destined to be with for the rest of my life. The wedding day was great - it went way to fast - but it was great. After that was the honeymoon which was perfect...pina colada's by day, romantic evenings by night...
Then came real life...and by that I mean life after the tan faded and the plane touched down on the tar mat...
My husband and I both hold good paying jobs and families that although seem quaint on the outside definitely have their quirks on the inside - but we wouldn’t have it any other way.
It should come as no surprise - especially to those who know me quite well - that all life’s little details were hashed out and talked to death well before any vows took place.
Shortly after the wedding and just after my husbands 30th birthday we came home with a new addition to our family - Molly - the best, most well behaved little pup a girl could ask for.
Everything was following our carefully thought out plan.
Three months less a week after professing our undying love to each other we started what many people like to refer to as "the baby dance" and nine days later I was presenting my husband with a carefully wrapped canucks onesie to give him the amazing news letting him know he was going to be a daddy!
Christmas day we told immediate family and friends about the good news. The news was well received and did not come as a shock as most people knew how badly we wanted to start a family.
Four days after Christmas was a day I will never forget. The day the ultrasound tech at the hospital looked us in the eye and told us she couldn’t find a heartbeat. I miscarried my precious two month old baby.
So im doing what any normal control freak of a person would do - taking it day by day and micromanaging every other detail within my life.
This is a blog about my journey for peace, accepting the past and moving forward without a piece of my heart. It's my cathartic way of letting myself go though all the emotions - the hurt, anxiety, fear and hope.
Feel free to join me as I try to find the silver lining and sunshine on the horizon.
Then came real life...and by that I mean life after the tan faded and the plane touched down on the tar mat...
My husband and I both hold good paying jobs and families that although seem quaint on the outside definitely have their quirks on the inside - but we wouldn’t have it any other way.
It should come as no surprise - especially to those who know me quite well - that all life’s little details were hashed out and talked to death well before any vows took place.
Shortly after the wedding and just after my husbands 30th birthday we came home with a new addition to our family - Molly - the best, most well behaved little pup a girl could ask for.
Everything was following our carefully thought out plan.
Three months less a week after professing our undying love to each other we started what many people like to refer to as "the baby dance" and nine days later I was presenting my husband with a carefully wrapped canucks onesie to give him the amazing news letting him know he was going to be a daddy!
Christmas day we told immediate family and friends about the good news. The news was well received and did not come as a shock as most people knew how badly we wanted to start a family.
Four days after Christmas was a day I will never forget. The day the ultrasound tech at the hospital looked us in the eye and told us she couldn’t find a heartbeat. I miscarried my precious two month old baby.
So im doing what any normal control freak of a person would do - taking it day by day and micromanaging every other detail within my life.
This is a blog about my journey for peace, accepting the past and moving forward without a piece of my heart. It's my cathartic way of letting myself go though all the emotions - the hurt, anxiety, fear and hope.
Feel free to join me as I try to find the silver lining and sunshine on the horizon.
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