I find usually I am quite a sensitive emotional person. Logical at most times - purely random at others. Today was one of those days where my emotions have taken me by surprise. I don't think I have cried since...hmmm...probably December 30th. Oh don't get me wrong, the emotions are there I just think I am so tired of being sad.
Today I thought watching a harmless chick flick would be fine. It was Maid In Manhattan (lame right?). Anyways, I was doing fine until the moment in the movie where J.Lo is standing at the stove and her son notices that she is sad and comes up behind her and gives her a hug. A few moments later the tears are streaming down my face as I am not thinking about the movie...my thoughts were...will I ever have that connection?
The biggest fear I have right now is IF I will be able to carry to term. My husband and I know we have no problem conceiving. The first two times we tried, it happened. The first ended in a chemical pregnancy the next in a miscarriage. My fear comes into place when I think about my aunt. I am so much like her in so many ways. Where and how we put on weight, our physical build, our blood type and most recently our pregnancy woes. She has never been able to carry fully term. This scares me to my very core. I don't think anyone can really understand this until they have been there. In fact..its hard to talk to my best friend, mother or anyone else as they are trying to stay so positive but I am frightened. They don't understand...I think they would like to..but they don't. I do not hold this against them and yet I am tried of talking with the people who have been through this. I am sick of hearing the horror stories as if that is supposed to make me feel better that so-and-so lost their baby at 15 weeks or so-and-so delivered a still born. Really...is that really helpful??
My husband and I will continue to try as I think truly the only way I will be ever able to move on is to know I can and did bring a baby into our lives.
As much as I am trying to not let this moment in our lives consume our relationship I really feel as though I need to put my heart into something. I can't let this go...not yet.
I find the worry is something that is always in the back of my mind these days. I have been having more and more nightmares and constantly find myself thinking about that moment in the ultrasound techs office. I'm confused why people think I should be "back to normal"...I lost my BABY not even a week and a half ago. Yes it was early but I was still attached...I was still growing that precious thing inside me. I'm different...I've changed. Can't you see? I'm not that naive girl anymore. A piece of my heart is missing...you may not be able to see that on any scan or report but I know...I feel it....that feeling may never go away...and I'm ok with that.
As I was trying to fall asleep last night the lyrics to Coldplays "Fix You" and Sarah Mclachlan's "Angel" kept repeating themselves over and over in my head. This is supposed to get easier as time goes...right?
8.5 months post miscarriage i'm still not over mine. it helps soften it now that i recently got my bfp but i had to make it through my angels due date as well and that was tough i still envy those who miscarried around the same time as me who are expecting in feb/march etc. they're past the miscarriage dates for that pregnancy while i'm still waiting to find out if this one will take.
ReplyDeletei don't understand why people feel like we should get over it so quickly. it was a baby. maybe not to them, but to the mommies and daddies it was a baby.
I'm almost 7 months past my first miscarriage...and a little over 3 months since my second...and I'm not over either. I have accepted that it happened, but not a day goes by that I don't think about them. Now that I am past the first due date, I feel a sense of calm. A little less stress to try to conceive again by a certain date. I STILL have days that are difficult and I still feel the need to cry when faced with certain triggers (pregnancy announcements, newborns, round bellies). Ultimately, there is no timeline for grief...take as much time as you need and realize that you'll never fully be over this. It's a part of you now...but hopefully over time it will strengthen you as a person.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to continue stalking your blog (as you recently stalked mine) =)