As each day passes it gets a little easier. Today marks one week from the day we were told we were miscarrying. Although sometimes during the day there is a wave of sadness that passes over me I think I (and my husband) am doing quite well.
However, I think I could let this pass much easier if every time I logged onto facebook, my e-mail, watched TV or walked into the office I wasn’t bombarded by random baby information. In fact my husband commented the other day while we were watching TV, "Is it me or since we have started trying and lost the baby all I see are diaper commercials, ovulation and pregnancy commercials and so on...was it always like that?"
To top it off we have a few close friends who found out about their pregnancy right around the same time. Don't get me wrong...I am very happy for them...I am just more sad for us...because every time I am invited to a baby shower, see someone’s beautiful belly or hear about craving and wardrobe woes I am immediately sent into a dark place. I can’t help but think...that should be us...
Even though I have been told that it is extremely wrong of me to feel this I can't help but feel I have let so many people down...my husband who wants a baby so bad, my parents who thought they would be meeting their first grandchild in August and myself...mostly I feel like I let down myself. I am not good with failure. I never thought this would be us..here...in this place of loss and grief. And to tell you the truth it sucks. But what I think sucks most about it is there is no way to control what has happened or is happening...all I can control is how I react to it..and for the detail oriented, planning, control-freak of a person that I am...that's just not working. I'm TIRED of being strong and telling everyone "I'm ok". Its exhausting.
So for now..if I am not responding to your facebook messages, e-mails, phone calls and other forms of communication it is because I don't know what to say...because my momma taught me if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all. And to tell you the truth...at this moment...I am not exactly sure of the words that would come out of my mouth...
This is a time in my life where my heart and head are just not seeing eye to eye.
Whomever told you it was wrong to feel this way is wrong. It is a healing process and in healing you go through many stages. Grieve, relearn to smile and know you are ok.
ReplyDeleteJust my personal opinion formed from personal experience.