*Warning - This is a rather depressing post. Pity party - table for one please*
Yesterday was a series of highs and lows. I started off feeling really good about the day and was looking forward to testing feeling like all signs were pointing to ovulation but...no...my OPKS did not agree. Which then...led to the lows...Looks like a late ovulation for me again. Boo. I am trying to stay positive but waiting is so hard. The lines on my OPKS are getting thicker and darker but I still want something more.
If you have a 28 day cycle count yourself blessed. That basically means that in a year you have more opportunities to conceive then I ever will. So. Not. Fair.
Life just seems to blur one day in to another. I know I should be putting my time and effort elsewhere as well but those other things just dint have my heart.
I started this blog to share my happy moments, sad moments and just pure frustration and it has been a good outlet as not a lot has changed support system wise in my life. Not a lot of people seem to understand what is going on and how I am feeling and it is getting increasingly difficult to handle comments from my newly pregnant friends about:
- How easy it was to get pregnant
- How they hate being pregnant and cant wait for it to be over
- Wanting to meet the baby/ the ultrasound/ the first kick
- How I just need to give it time (*as if I had any other option)
- How I cant think about where I should be but where I am. (That one probably bugs me the most. So...I am supposed to forget that I was pregnant, lost the baby and will now no longer be giving birth in August? Right. Ok..I'll just forget...it's that easy.)
I know they are not meaning to be insensitive but from one friend to another...going on and on AND ON about your fantastically amazing pregnancy and all the happy and glorious details that it entails is NOT something I want to hear right now regardless of how much I love you. I am still happy for you...that hasn't changed, but also neither has the fact that not so long ago I lost something in my life that I held so dear to me. Something that you now have and I don't. And FYI asking me every time you see me if I am pregnant again/yet is not helpful either. I already know I suck at this, I really don't need the constant reminder.
I felt the same way about some of those things. I blogged about how far along I should have been and I felt like I lost 9 months of my life. I still feel that way. I could have an almost 3 month old right now. I really understand the pregnant friends too. It made me feel better to talk to the person and hear about whatever struggles she might have had as well. I know someone halfway through her pregnancy who had 2 CP's and a m/c and was seeing a fertility doctor. I felt a lot better to know she got her rainbow after the 2 year long storm and she wasn't just one of those first pregnancy is going perfectly women. I understand the cycle frustrations definitely. People just feel the need to talk and sometimes I wish they would just be satisfied to sit in silence because the shit they feel the need to say, DOES NOT HELP.
ReplyDeleteIf you need to talk, I went through it and even though I don't know exactly how you're feeling, I know how I felt going through it. I'm sending you a hug from across the JDF strait
http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a6732279/august_2012_miscarriage
DeleteI had one for my december 2011 board and it really helped me. We all bonded through the loss.