New Experiences

CD11

Today is my first acupuncture session. Ack! There is just something about the thought of dozens of tiny needles being stabbed in you that makes a person go..."and WHY am I doing this?" But hey...if it can help in any way without me having to take any more medication I am in!

I also have an interview today. This place is actually like 65 seconds from where I currently work...awkward..lol.
Other then that not much more to report today. I started taking OPKs yesterday and they are still pretty faint. Usually I ovulate around the new or full moon depending on how my cycle falls and that would be the 4th of June. So I am not really expecting a positive OPK until Sunday. Monday or Tuesday. Just waiting it out as of now.

Life Goes On

CD10

My baby sister graduates today. It is sort of surreal. When did I get this old?! My own graduation feels like it was lightyears ago. It is so strange how in the moment life just seems to creep by but looking back the past flies by in the blink of an eye.

Last night I got the pics for our house to go up on the listing and I am impressed. I told DH the beautiful pics almost made me want to stay, lol. He did not look impressed....especially since I have been the one so gung-ho to leave. Wanna buy our house? lol

 

 

 I think the photographer did a fantastic job!

Three more sleeps until our BDathon.  DH can hardly wait to up his coffee intake and crack open a beer. I test the day before father's day. If I test positive I can tell DH on father's day and he can share the news with our dads as well.

It will really confuse/upset me if we are not able to do it this cycle. I know my body has been under a lot of stress due to the accidents but with everything we are doing, restrictions we have put in place and strategic BD schedule I really do not know what more we could do!

Astonishing Findings

Let me just say this BLEW my mind. Again...this is one of these moments where I was like..."Why the hell didn't anyone TELL me this!?!?".

Drum roll please.....

Did you know that peas (yes peas...those cute little healthy additions to a meal) are a natural contraceptive? Take a moment and let that sink in. If you do not eat your veggies..this is one moment to be proud. But DH and I happen to LOVE our green veggies...peas being one of those. We pretty much alternate between peas, corn and green beans for dinner and sometimes lunches (leftovers, Mmmm)

Studies have shown  that a natural chemical/compound (m-xylohydroquinone) found in peas acts like a natural birth control –particularly in men – and can actually greatly reduce pregnancy rates. This compound is being studied at an increasing rate. Men and women also concerned with fertility should note that rhubabrb also falls within the infertility food category.

Genistein, the most potent isoflavone, is found in legumes, and so soy foods, peas, peanuts, chick peas, and fava beans have been researched to negatively influence fertility. Historically, pomegranate, rhubarb, licorice, and the herbs black cohosh and Queen Anne’s Lace have been used to reduce fertility as well.

Whoa. Can anyone else say diet change?

If You Can't Beat It...Control It

Shoot - I forgot to temp this morning! Darn you lax attempt at TTC!!!

My OPKs, HPTs and Softcups should arrive at my US mailbox on thursday. Thankfully I have three OPKs left so I can start taking them Wednesday morning which will be CD10. I will be taking my OPKs in the morning at about 6AM and afternoon at about 4:30PM...I am NOT missing that crazy short surge!

BDing will commence this Sat. DH is well aware of a set BD schedule of SAT AM, SUN NOON, MON AM, TUES PM. I go for acupuncture this Thursday and next Monday. I expect to ovulate next Monday.

As you see above this will be my first cycle with acupuncture and softcups. DH and I are pulling out all the stops. BDing is supposed to be more effective in the morning so I have adjusted our schedule to accommodate that. I am SO THANKFUL that this BDathon is happening over a weekend because it makes it much easier to plan and execute.

I have started to think that I ovulate within a couple hours of my positive OPK and that I have a very short egg lifespan because we are doing everything perfect...so all else leads me to believe our timing was just off. So I went back to my Nov chart when we conceived the second time I noticed that I ovulated that day of my positive OPK and we had BD "accidentally" a few days before that which leads me to believe that was the particular moment that got us preggo. All speculation, but at this point that is really all I have. And...ever the planner and control freak that I am...I need that schedule of what to do when. I feel so helpless in this process that making some sort of plan at least makes me feel somewhat in charge of my body.

Today is a busy busy busy day! We have another house showing..a photographer is coming over to take photos of the house for MLS...we go visit Nana in her new care home ...I attend another specialist appointment and then dinner with DH's best friend who is only in town for a couple days. Whew. Might as well get all this craziness in now..I want to be completely zen this weekend!

Thoughts & Preparations

You know how I said I would never wish what I was going through on anyone? ...That hasn't changed...well ok..I guess it has changed a little bit. A part of me wishes what I am going through was standard in TTC so that I didn't feel so alone at times.
I have to say I will be a little more cautious about when that times comes with my future daughter and birth control. I really think my time on depraprovera is playing a huge part into why we cannot get pregnant today. I mean...you can only stall the inevitable for some long before the body starts to adapt. Birth control was really great for when I needed it. It sure did its job...but if I could go back and change my decision...I would...who knows if the outcome would be better but at least I would feel like I didn't hurt my chances.

The showings for the house have started to pile in! Two today and one tomorrow and that was all requested within one day! Crossing my fingers that we get an offer soon so we can concentrate on packing up and moving on to something bigger and better.

One week from tomorrow we start trying again. That seems really soon! Until then I have started prepping. I ordered some more OPKs and HPTs, started taking my prenatals again (forgot for the last couple days...AF is sorta depressing), started drinking my hot green tea lemon water with honey, Am starting to watch what I eat and concentrate on the fertility diet and TRYING to de-stress.

A big shout out to Angie as she didn't get her BFP this cycle either. I'm with you hun, fingers crossed for our next one!

*ETA (Edited To Add)*

Can I just say I have an immense HATE for people who say "Stop trying and it will just happen!" Seriously...how condesending and widely insensitive can you BE!? For some people it is just NOT THAT EASY. For example...if I were to say "stop trying" and get pregnant again and not have known I need to take prometrium to hold a pregnancy, I would probably continue to miscarry for the rest of my life. I understand what you are attemping to say but back up and check yourself for a moment. My blood type, progesterone levels, lutal phase defect and other situations I have been informed of in my adventures of TTC have all been things that medically I should be watching and keeping in mind as I am on this journey. So no...I cannot just "stop trying". Educate yourself and then come talk to me about the hell I am going through.
End of rant.

Good News For Once

I forgot to update saying that I found out from my hospital visit that the lump diagnosis does not involve cancer at this time.
That is a load off my mind! As for what they THINK it might be the ideas tossed around were:

1. Blood disorder
2. Infection
3. Stress Induced (What? Me? Stressed? Nah)
4. TMJ inflamation

I am supposed to watch it carefully to see if it gets more painful, grows or hardens. The spots and dizziness/blurriness are still there at times and I get really bad headaches on that side now but at least I can rest easy with this new news. DH was so relieved I could see it in his eyes. I do not think either of us could have handled a diagnosis of cancer. Now THAT would have been rock bottom...

I took a large amount of anti-inflamitories the day I went to the hospital and the pain and size has gone down some but it is still there. I am hoping it will take care of itself as mysteriously as it came.

Wait It Out

For once a week has just flown by. Usually if AF is involved it tends to drag but she is packing her bags tomorrow!

So, what do we know about my cycles now with Prometrium...well...I am a royal b*tch, my bbs ache, enlarge and get really veiny, I am fatigued and sleep like a baby. Oh, and I get dizzy spells and gas, lol. So basically anything that would lead me to a suspicion of pregnancy with symptoms I get with the meds. Fabulous. As if I needed more of a guessing game...

I started looking into acupuncture for fertility and set up an appointment with a Dr just out of town. The appointments are expensive...about $100 with subsequent visits being $50 but it can't hurt at this point. I am under so much stress as it is I guess getting my "chi" in line wouldn't be such a bad thing. I am not a fan of needles but after all the blood work and being prodded and pincushioned at the hospital what are a few more?

Tonight DH and I go look at some more houses and today is pay day, YAY! This weekend we were invited over to a UFC party. DH will probably go but I am not really in any mood to socialise. I may just grab a tub of Ben and Jerrys or some cheesecake and veg to a chick flick.
Sunday I have a wedding shower for my most favourite cousin in the world. So excited for her...it should be fun...actually looking forward to that one!

Now...if only there were a way to avoid all these baby showers coming up....I really hate to be a "Debbie Downer" but pregnancy and babies is still a sore spot. I know I can't avoid all my friends/co-workers who are pregnant and their children-to-be for very much longer but I will buy all the time I can get. It has been less then 5 months since our second loss and I am still trying to adjust to all the announcements around me and it is my hope that these women in my life will attempt to be understanding. If time is what it takes I am still waiting for that constant ache to become a more tolerable one. I just hope that I have not destroyed valued friendships in the meantime...

Rock Bottom

Sometimes life sucks and is not fair. No, I do not think you understand... Like really really sucks and really is really really not fair. I spent most of yesterday in tears much to DH's dismay. This last year has been AWFUL.

Let me give you a little peak in to my last year:

April 2011 - Laid off work
July 2011 - New job/ Emergency surgery/ put on bedrest
October 2011 - First failed pregnancy (Chemical)
November 2011 - Car Accident
Dec 2011/Jan 2012 - Second failed pregnancy (Miscarriage)
Feb 2012 - Failed Cycle / Put on layoff notice at work
March 2012 - Failed Cycle
April 2012 - Second Car Accident / TTC Break
May 2012 - Failed Cycle / Third Car Accident


DH and I are hemorrhagingg money because I am missing a lot of work due to the car accidents and the cost of treatments for physiotherapists, massage therapist, back specialists, doctors appointments, meds, fertility medications and so on. I am literally tapped out. Every card, account, etc I have is maxed. And now our new car we just bought and took out a loan for a little over a month ago is now in the shop awaiting our payments of thousands of dollars due to the last accident.

Oh wait...it gets worse. Three weeks ago I noticed a lump about the size of a quarter on the side of my head near my temple that comes and goes but has gotten increasingly larger and more and more painful including moderate to severe migraines. Then over the weekend I noticed I have been seeking spots/stars and am having blury vision out of my right eye. And what are the possible explanations...blood disorder, extreme infection or a possible clot of some kind. Are you F'ing serious?!!? Apparently I cannot catch a break. Blood work is the first step to finding out a possible answer so back to the hospital I go...hoping, begging and praying that it is not the big "c" word.

I am in pain literally every day. This is ranging from anything from back, neck and shoulder pain to joint/hip pain or headaches/migraines....this is all courtesy of the last two car accidents. I work at an office job and can literally sit for about 1.5-2 hours before the pain starts to kick in and then from that point on it is a downward spiral. Some days are better then others and I am not in bed in tears at the end of the day anymore...mostly because I am tired of it and some because the treatments are beginning to help. If that was not bad enough I have trouble sleeping...so I am more irritable and easily confused and frustrated throughout the day.

I was telling DH yesterday that I was really really trying to be thankful and appreciative for all I did have but it was beginning to get really hard. I can't help but think when is something GOOD going to happen to us...I am not sure how much more bad I can take. I feel like I am being punished for something but I really have no idea what I did! There were days this weekend where I had no desire to get out of bed. I just wanted to lay there and cry. I feel so helpless. I have no idea what to do or how to make anything better. I am trying and trying and feeling like I am getting further and further behind. I miss the days when life seemed less complicated, I was a little more naive and blissfully unaware. Apparently God only gives you what he thinks you can handle but there are some days where I certainly question that. What is this all supposed to teach me? When will things start to be ok again? I just don't understand...

Heartache

12DPO - FRER HPT BFN.

Had a good cry with DH this morning. Enough said.

Home Stretch

11DPO

One more day until the moment of truth. Although, I have already told DH that I am certain I am not pregnant. He was bummed...as expected.

As for "symptoms" my bbs still hurt...they sorta look bigger...I think and my CP is still high. CM is wet. I am also HUNGRY!

I feel frustrated because I do not know what we are doing wrong. To be honest I sort of figured it would not have taken us this long since the last MC in Dec/Jan. 4 Cycles since my MC. Ugh..feels like F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

*UPDATE* I just got really emotional over somethign at work that should have never upset me to the point it did. Also...I felt that sensation as though AF was starting. Went to checkand ...nope...not there. Interesting...

Moment Passed

10DPO

I apologise for my slight break down yesterday. Now that we got that out of the way...
I have decided to hold off testing until Saturday morning. That would be 12DPO. I have one more FRER HPT left and if I do not get a BFP then I will start to reduce the prometrium in preparation for AF.

Today my bbs are actually really sore...but I do not know if they look bigger..They also ache.. I have started to think perhaps my eyes are playing tricks on me in regards to their size... And last night I had a really funny moment of extreme hunger/nausea right before falling asleep. I actually had to convince myself that I was NOT hungry because I had eaten dinner 3.5 hours earlier. I still have some gas and an quite tired but other then that not a whole lot to report. This morning I also had some cramping.

We officially list our house tomorrow. Hopefully there is someone out there who is looking for exactly what we have and soon. I am ready to move on. Although this weekend is a long weekend with the holiday on Monday we will actually be really busy putting final touches on the house. I need to paint certain areas and DH has to work on the garage. The house is spotless upstairs but there are definitely places downstairs that could use some improvements.

Fingers crossed that the little bean just had not gotten settled yet and I will be seeing my BFP within the next couple days. I could use some good news...

Line Of Defeat

9DPO

So...I am not going to lie. A two pack of FRER was on sale so I tested this morning. And...it was negative. A big stark white negative staring back at me. So, I had my little cry and went back to my day.

On top of that I have NOTHING to report. No sore or enlarged bbs, nausea or any other thing that would make me hold out hope. I am totally bummed out. I have no idea what to say to DH...he is going to be crushed. This is so cruel.

I will test one more time Friday morning but I am not expecting anything. Sorry...no ray of sunshine coming from here...just an admission of defeat.

The Mysterious Shrinking Shirt

8DPO

Aren't you proud of me?? I am almost there!

Not a lot to report this morning...but boob tenderness, fatigue and gas.

A part of me is really really dreading two mornings from now. I mean...that is when I will know for sure if I am pregnant or not. And if I am not...I am really not ready to be as depressed as I know I will be.

My mood swings have been out of this world. It is so frustrating not feeling like myself. Yesterday I was cranky and irritable and snappish...all at DH of course. My fuse is so so SO short. I really doubt I am a pleasure to live with at the moment.

So...my boobs must be larger. Either that or I am (gasp) putting on weight. I went to go put on a regularly tight fitting button up shirt this morning and it was REALLY snug around the bust area to the point where it was pulling. Hmmmmm. So maybe its not my imagination...??

Wishful Thinking

7DPO

It is going to be a HOT one here this week. (Finally!) 28 degrees today, wow! It is a good thing we have air conditioning.

Today is my first day of real stomach issues. I have some cramping and major gas pains...like have to stop walking pain. And my boobs hurt more and more every day. DH thinks they look bigger and feel heavier but then again he thought that last cycle so it really could be all in his head as well! lol
I am also really really REALLY tired. I could go for a nap at any point in the day and lets not forget the hunger..Normally in the mornings I do not have that much of an appetite but lately I am waking up feeling like I could consume an entire turkey dinner. I should also note I was seriously not with it yesterday...total dumb blonde...I had so many moments where I do not know what I was thinking. I was forgetful and confused a lot. So not like me....
Since all I have left are digi HPTs I am going to pick up a FRER and POAS with FMU on Thursday. I also just happen to have an appointment with my doctor that day as well so I will know to tell him and make some plans if that is the case. I am so nervous....three more days and then I will find out!!

*EDIT* I also forgot to mention that last night I had to get up to go to the bathroom about three times. Tack that on to the rest and my possible symptoms are looking pretty impressive...

I cannot remember if I mentioned this but DH and I decided that if I am pregnant we would tell family on Father's Day. They will most likely deflect to the mothers for reaction but it will be really hilarious to see that take place. That is just my wishful thinking though...DH is well aware that the likelihood of me having an emotional breakdown if I see another BFN is pretty high. Let's hope we will not have to go there though. I would rather be crying tears of joy then frustration this time.

Dream ANOTHER Dream

6DPO

Last night I had another crazy pregnancy dream. Hmmm...I wonder if my body is trying to tell me something? I am also HUNGRY! The boobs are also getting more and more sore every day. I remember the last time I was pregnant about the time I found out I had to purchase a sports bra because sleeping without a bra was too painful and I can see this getting to that in about a week or so. I also have this continual nagging headache and some very lovely gas. Oh...and I am tired...oh so tired...I could get a full nights sleep and feel like I could still sleep through the rest of the day. Yawn. Seriously..I did just yawn.

Anyways...its Mothers Day today so that means a crazy busy day. Going to see DH's grandma in the hospital, have lunch with my family and then spend the afternoon with his.

I think this is officially the longest 2WW I have experienced to date. Perhaps that is just because I am so fed up with the process. Are we there yet....?

Dream A Little Dream

5DPO

I will make this short and sweet....things that are currently happening right now:

- Boobs still hurt...I think they look larger but who really knows...
- Woke up with a stuffy nose
- Headache last night into this morning
- Extremely tired...even after a full nights sleep
- Had a REALLY vivid dream that I got a BFP

With Mother's day tomorrow, this weekend really could not disappear soon enough...

TGIF!

CD4

Thank goodness its FINALLY Friday! This week seemed to take F-O-R-E-V-E-R. The weather here is supposed to be fantastically sunny and warm as well, hooray! Now if only I could get that weather to stay for the long weekend...that would be magical.

Poor DH. This cycle I have been SO irritable. Everything he says I take the wrong way and I have been snapping at him so much. I see it...and recognise it...but it is like verbal and reactive overflow...it just ...happens. It is sorta a bummer.
This morning I lifted my purse and it grazed across my bbs and oh man...did it ever hurt. Last night I also had a wave of nausea but that was also right after I took the prometrium so...who knows what to attribute that to. I have food moods as well. One day I can be extremely hungry and others...not so much..DH and I went out for dinner the other day and I was all looking forward to the meal I ordered then once it was placed in front of me I wanted nothing to do with it. My CM is also more EW and after looking that up I discovered that neither CP or CM is a good pregnancy indicator no matter how much I want to read into it. Double bummer. I have lost weight and usually the boobage area is the first to go so I really cannot tell if they are enlarged or feel heavier then normal. This all just continues to be a guessing game.

I test Thursday morning and will continue to test from that point on until the day AF would be due. FXed, prayers said and positive thinking that this is the cycle!

1/3 Of The Way There!

3DPO

First off I want to say that my interview yesterday was not pleasant. There were red flags everywhere. But...live and learn...on to the next!

Yesterday we saw Nana as well and she was not looking very good. She is on a new type of medication and was not coherent at all. It is still really hard to see her like that and it makes me so sad to know she is so weak and in so much pain.

I also had two really weird things happen yesterday. The first one was bouts of dizziness. It was really strange...almost like vertigo. And I had this pressure/cramping on my right side near my pelvis. My bbs have also been SO SORE. This morning it was actually painful rolling over to get up in the morning. I am purposely not telling DH any of this because I do not want to give either of us false hope. The progesterone plays games.. I am well aware of that. A week from today I will be 10DPO so you can bet your last dollar I will be POAS. Like someone said on my chat board...HPTs are like pringles..."once you pop you just can't stop". My bbs also feel/look bigger but I also know that tricked me last cycle when I was sure something was up. It is just so annoying not knowing what to attribute to the medication or an actual symptom.

I found the BEST idea for a nursery theme yesterday. I originally wanted to buy a bedding based on the type of sex the baby was but once I saw this crib set I fell in love. Below are some of my ideas.  SO FREAKIN ADORABLE!

                                                                 



CRIB

 

BOY WALL DECAL



GIRL NAME DECAL



BOY NAME DECAL



BEDDING



BABY GIRL DECAL



 



                                   Is that not the cutest thing you have EVER seen???                                                                      





The Days Go Slow

2DPO

Last night I had the most vivid dream. I do not usually dream so that was odd. Not sure to chalk it up to a symptom or the progesterone..which I started last night. My chest is still sore and aches but now this is probably being heightened by the meds as well. The one good thing is I sleep so well. Prometrium tends to make you sleepy...thus why I take it right before bed. With all the stress in my life right now I am grateful I am not adding insomnia so that list.

I stopped temping because it drives me CRAZY. The meds tend to give false numbers (and hope) so I just decided to stop all together after my first dose. Even though it is only two days into my 2WW it feels like this is going to be the longest one EVER. I look at my calendar and there are so many days between now and testing.

I have another interview today. Can you tell I am not at all excited about this process?? I just can't believe I am HERE....AGAIN. This current job was supposed to be in my long term plans. Stupid economy. People say its getting better but now I have been laid off from three jobs in 5 years. This is beginning to get a little ridiculous.

Not really much else to report today. Last night I had a small amount of cramping before bed and this morning I have pulling on the right side of my pelvic bone and gas (sexy, lol) . However, with all my aches and pains due to the accident I would not be surprised if some of that is attributed to something else.

After all this time DH is so widely optimistic. It really blows my mind. Every time after ovulation he always speaks in terms as if he already knows we are pregnant. Sometimes it gets a little much but I have to accept that is his way of dealing with this roller coaster. I love him so much and he has been so great and supportive. This experience has brought us so much closer together and for that I am grateful but I am ready for the season of TTC to be over. I know many women wait much longer but I do not know how much longer my heart can hold out.

Nervous Excitement

1DPO
Temp: 97.4

Due to a high temp this morning I am pleased to announce that I am currently in the 2WW!!

I put in a question to the lovely ladies on my TTC board and they confirmed my suspicions that due to my OPK (regardless of the washed out ones), my CM and temp that I was likely about to ovulate. I went back into my charting history and took a look at November (the last time we got pregnant) and was intrigued to see that we only really DTD the day before OV and the day of. So I figured I would give that a try.

One thing I have to note is this cycle was WAY less stressful then all the rest in the BD department. Even though I should have felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders I felt like the first time we were trying - nervous excitement. Unlike the other past cycles DH and I can actually look back at this one and honestly say we had fun with the baby making process this time!

Now...on to "symptoms". I am not on progesterone YET. I start my first dose this evening. But because I am not taking it at the moment some signs are coming in loud and clear. Like the gas...oh my word...I feel as though I have just ingested loads of my DH's chili. Not cool. Another thing I want to note is in November we were SURE I was pregnant because literally the day or two after ovulation my boobs KILLED me. Well...not only do these suckers ache but oh man are they tender to the touch. Normally I would discard this because I find this to be something the progesterone does but ...I have not started taking it so this is all me baby!

I am REALLY REALLY trying not to get my hopes up. Like November DH is sure once again we are pregnant. This scares me a tad because I really do not want to let him down and I do not want to get all caught up in the moment only to become a weepy mess on the bedroom floor once again.

IF I am pregnant I am toying with two ideas on how to tell DH. The first one is to go to a bakery and buy a bun, wrap it in a bow and put it in the oven and ask him to go pre-heat the oven but make sure nothing is in it and wait for a response. The second one...(I think I like best) is to go out for a date night to one of DH's favourite restaurants. He has been working really hard lately so I can just say it is a nice reward because he might get suspicious as to why we are going to HIS favourite place. I plan on calling the restaurant before hand and letting them know what I want to do. I will order dessert and they will bring it out and accidentally place it in front of DH. This restaurant does really cool designs on the plate that the dessert is brought out on and I will have them write "I'M PREGNANT!" on the side of the plate. I like the idea that the announcement is public this time because last time it was just at home. But...those are just hopeful plans. Who knows if I will actually be able to hold out until the 18th, lol. I have become a bit of a POAS addict.

An odd thing did happen yesterday evening though. DH and I were out for dinner and I ordered a club. I was initially very hungry but when the plate was put in front of me I was less then interested....even somewhat disgusted. This exact thing happened in November except DH was making Kraft Dinner. The smell revolted me so much I need to leave the room. I was only one or two days past ovulation then too. Perhaps I am grasping at straws but I just thought that was peculiar.

Just a forewarning because tonight is my first dose of progesterone you will not see me posting very many "symptoms" just because I never know which ones are from the fertility drugs. But I will definitely post updates...even if they are...all in my head.

The Madness Continues

Ok...I am just not sure WHAT to think...I ended up taking FIVE OPKs yesterday. The first two were positive - but washed out, the next two were negative but washed out and then the fifth one was this... (sorry for the upside down photo..)

I mean I could be wrong but that looks light to be a positive but it is not washed out....I had LOTS of EWCM yesterday but my temp was all screwed because I took a pain killer right before bed and didn't sleep all that well. This morning I tested again and it was negative but still really dark. My temp this morning was below my coverline. DH and I DTD late afternoon and then we will be following that up after work today. I just wish there was a straight answer...

Now comes the stressful information. DH's Nana was admitted to the emergency last night and we went to say our cautious goodbyes. So emotional and so stressful. I know it is so hard for DH to see his Nana like this. My OPK drama could not have come at a worse time! We feel like we are being pulled so many directions and not sure where our attention should be going. We want a baby so so SO Bad...I should be resting and calm...not crying and stressed out. But...that is life. And...if it happens that now is not the best time...then that is what is supposed to be. It is really hard to accept but I have to hope that there is some sort of plan...

So Frustrating!

CD14.

This morning I tested and my OPK gave me a smiley...I pulled out the stick and...it was washed out. So I tested again...and the same thing happened...smiley but the stick was washed out. So I tested a THIRD time and it was a normal read, still really dark but the OPK gave no smiley. DH and I were uber confused because I have MAJOR EWCM this morning so I tested yet a FOURTH time and again it was negative. So if you are counting along that means two positives and two negatives. I will test again this afternoon because we are not sure what is up. But I just wanted to let everyone in on my frustration! We are getting oh so close to ovulation and I think DH is getting a little tired of the pre-pregnancy diet I put us on, lol. Which for him is no beer and only two cups of coffee a day, a multivitamin and LOTS of sleep. (boo hoo *rolls eyes*)
This morning my temp was high...I am almost considering discarding it because last night I took a T3 because of the pain and did not sleep well at all.
Today is the full moon and typically after a full moon or new moon (whichever is closest) I ovulate the day after. We shall see if that is still the case. The progesterone is looking like it is doing all the right things to my cycle so hip-hip hooray for that!  Fingers crossed that DH and I get the green light to make our rainbow baby soon!!

Mother's Day

I struggle with Mother's day coming up. I am missing my baby, missing being pregnant. Missing dreaming about him/her. My heart does not hurt as much nowadays but sometimes a wave of sadness hits. If it is true that God knows your heart then he should know how badly I want this. How badly I need this. I have really struggled with this and thus my faith has wavered. I still struggle with the "why" and "I don't understand" and I probably never will. I want those two babies in my arms...not in heaven. I know that is widely selfish but this blog is about honesty and that is honestly how I feel.

This morning I decided I am a mother. I am a mother to two children in heaven. And regardless of what the world tries to tell me...I am their mother and love them from afar.... I loved them the moment that stick said "pregnant" and I will love them until the end of time.

Thank you Angie for reposting this. Brought tears to my eyes. Even though after reading this and knowing I still struggle with the "why" it is comforting to know I am not alone in my journey.

Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked “What makes a mother?” and I know I heard Him say, “A mother has a baby”. This we know is true. “But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?” “Yes you can,” He replied with confidence in His voice. “I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.” “I just don’t understand this God I want my baby to be here.” He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear. “I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child’s smile, with all the other children and say…” “We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday. When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, “Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” “So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in my home and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me until your lessons through. And on the day that you come home they’ll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a mother, It’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done. They’ll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one.

And So It Begins

CD8 (Monday) I started officially tracking. I started using my OPKs and this morning I took my temp. To be honest DH and I were supposed to start temping on Monday but ...we forgot, lol. If my cycle stays the same I should get a positive OPK on May 9th. I have decided to take the next day off work and just lay low. There will be no chancing anything this cycle.

Yesterday I took off because I could hardly sleep because of the back pain and then when I got up to take some pain meds I knew I could not go into work because of how "spacey" they made me. Even sitting now for long periods of time is hard. And stairs are the worst. Sometimes though the pain wont be there for a couple hours and then I will go to move or reach for something and the pain just jolts down my body. Not fun. My doctor decided to send me to the Canadian Back Institute so we will see what comes of that. Stupid car accident. Oh, and lets not forget the migraines I get now. Brutal.
Monday we officially put the house on the market and it should be up on MLS by the Wednesday. DH and I still have MAJOR things to do but if we really buckle down I think we can get them done. This weekend I plan to paint downstairs and DH has to get the garage ready for inspection from the city. Now I can officially start dreaming about moving out of this house again, lol. Too bad there are not many options out there at the moment.
I have started getting in requests for interviews from sending out my resume and yesterday it hit me that I may be accepting a new job KNOWING I am pregnant...A part of me feels that is dishonest because in 9 months they will just have to find someone and train someone else but another part of me is selfish in the fact that I need a full time job. With work right now being so unpredictable...who knows what could happen. And unemployment rates are still high. My current job is in 2nd round of layoffs for field staff and I am wondering when it starts to affect us office staff. At Christmas time we were a company of over 300 people. But... with no work..I don't even see us being half that within a couple months. It is very worrisome. All this stress cannot be good for my "situation" and I swear is giving me grey hairs...

I know the saying is "April showers bring May flowers" but I could really care less about the flowers...I just want my rainbow...