Rock Bottom

Sometimes life sucks and is not fair. No, I do not think you understand... Like really really sucks and really is really really not fair. I spent most of yesterday in tears much to DH's dismay. This last year has been AWFUL.

Let me give you a little peak in to my last year:

April 2011 - Laid off work
July 2011 - New job/ Emergency surgery/ put on bedrest
October 2011 - First failed pregnancy (Chemical)
November 2011 - Car Accident
Dec 2011/Jan 2012 - Second failed pregnancy (Miscarriage)
Feb 2012 - Failed Cycle / Put on layoff notice at work
March 2012 - Failed Cycle
April 2012 - Second Car Accident / TTC Break
May 2012 - Failed Cycle / Third Car Accident


DH and I are hemorrhagingg money because I am missing a lot of work due to the car accidents and the cost of treatments for physiotherapists, massage therapist, back specialists, doctors appointments, meds, fertility medications and so on. I am literally tapped out. Every card, account, etc I have is maxed. And now our new car we just bought and took out a loan for a little over a month ago is now in the shop awaiting our payments of thousands of dollars due to the last accident.

Oh wait...it gets worse. Three weeks ago I noticed a lump about the size of a quarter on the side of my head near my temple that comes and goes but has gotten increasingly larger and more and more painful including moderate to severe migraines. Then over the weekend I noticed I have been seeking spots/stars and am having blury vision out of my right eye. And what are the possible explanations...blood disorder, extreme infection or a possible clot of some kind. Are you F'ing serious?!!? Apparently I cannot catch a break. Blood work is the first step to finding out a possible answer so back to the hospital I go...hoping, begging and praying that it is not the big "c" word.

I am in pain literally every day. This is ranging from anything from back, neck and shoulder pain to joint/hip pain or headaches/migraines....this is all courtesy of the last two car accidents. I work at an office job and can literally sit for about 1.5-2 hours before the pain starts to kick in and then from that point on it is a downward spiral. Some days are better then others and I am not in bed in tears at the end of the day anymore...mostly because I am tired of it and some because the treatments are beginning to help. If that was not bad enough I have trouble sleeping...so I am more irritable and easily confused and frustrated throughout the day.

I was telling DH yesterday that I was really really trying to be thankful and appreciative for all I did have but it was beginning to get really hard. I can't help but think when is something GOOD going to happen to us...I am not sure how much more bad I can take. I feel like I am being punished for something but I really have no idea what I did! There were days this weekend where I had no desire to get out of bed. I just wanted to lay there and cry. I feel so helpless. I have no idea what to do or how to make anything better. I am trying and trying and feeling like I am getting further and further behind. I miss the days when life seemed less complicated, I was a little more naive and blissfully unaware. Apparently God only gives you what he thinks you can handle but there are some days where I certainly question that. What is this all supposed to teach me? When will things start to be ok again? I just don't understand...