I had some time to do some thinking this week (sorry for being so MIA Angie). I never EVER thought trying for a baby would be this hard and contain so much heartache and bad news. I was a result of a teen pregnancy and then my mom went on to have two more kids with no problems and also adopted. We are a fairly large (by todays standards) 6 person family. But the list of things against ME keeps growing. Lets recap on what I have learnt about myself in since september...
1. I am a part of the 15% (RH- with their partner being RH+ blood type)
2. I have irregular cycles
3. I have lutal phase defect
4. My body produces very low levels of progesterone
5. I ovulate late
September = CP
Nov=Pregnant
December= MC/Rhogram Shot
January = Dr
March= Fertility specialist/Progesterone (Medication)
As for me cycle wise as of now...last night was my last half dose of Prometrium and I am still reciving negative pregnancy tests. My chart also took a nosedive. I am expecting AF to get here by tomorrow.
I have been through 5 cycles...5 very LONG cycles of waiting and hoping and praying. This is what I have noticed...
I have changed. I have changed and I am not sure I like this new Kyla. She sulks and whines and withdraws herself from friends and family. Oh, and lets not forget the tears. I have cried too much in the last 6 months. The tears have been for the miscarriage, the failed attemps, the diagnosis and the fear and feelings of being left behind while so many around me are still pregnant and I am not. I find myself upset when I see people on the TTC boards with pictures of themself and their kids and they are upset about not getting pregnant again. I just want a baby...one child...you have many and yet YOU are frustrated?! I have never been able to get to that process and yet YOU feel cheated!? And then...I get mad at myself. That is not who I am. This person...this ball of anger and hurt and frustration....this is so NOT who I am. I am acting like a child and yet I think I am ready for one...
I don't know what to do when I look into DH's eyes and see how much he wants a child. He didn't sign up for this. I am holding us back and feel so helpless. He has followed through on everything I have requested of him and yet I feel as though we have nothing to show for it. And now we are in limbo because of an agreement we made before we started TTC. No Christmas baby. We have friends and family members who are Christmas babies and just know how unfair it tends to be to have a birthday right smack dab in the middle of such a big holiday like Christmas.
So now I wait for May. I test for ovulation and take progesterone after that but there will be no temping. And as for the two weeks wait...we will see how I feel when that comes in regards to obsessive posting. I need to focus my energy somewhere else for a while. And even though I will still be waiting to see that smiley every cycle I will pledge to myself to not become overly obsessive. I just cannot do it anymore. I refuse for it to affect my marriage and life any further. I am better then this. I am a better employee, friend, daughter, sister and wife then this and I should start acting like it.
I totally get where you are coming from at the end of your post. It's been 7 months since my first m/c and 4 months since my second m/c...and I'm tired of living my life for "I might be pregnant soon, so..."
ReplyDeleteI've started focusing my efforts on getting in better shape -- and have started running again. There is a local 10 mile race that I plan on participating in. So, for now, I am focusing on that...and if I get pregnant, then great. But if I don't, then at least I have something to show for the time I used to spend waiting for a positive pregnancy test.
oh kyla, i am completely in tears reading this...because i totally understand how you are feeling. we have many similarities in the ttc journey...but my heart goes out to you so much more. i wish so much for you to get your rainbow and think of you so often. i completely understand taking this next cycle off and completely understand the need to step back from the obsessiveness that is ttc. sometimes i think i need to take a BC break bc i spend so much time thinking about it all. do what you need to, this cycle especially. i won't forget you and won't forget my prayers for you and your dh. hugs!
ReplyDeleteKyla I understand where you're coming from. It took me months to even sort of be myself again after my miscarriage. That didn't happen for me until I went back to weight watchers and started obsessing about that. But even then, all I wanted and hoped for every day was a positive test or for my AF to show up. I understand the frustration with the people who TTC number 2 and I just want number 1. Don't be too upset with yourself. That can put more stress on an already stressful situation. You will feel better bit by bit in your own time. I'll be thinking of you this next month and hoping that it goes by quickly so you can get back to TTC again.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard when you know it's you. I think it would be better if my problem conceiving were shared between me and R. But it's not, and sometimes I feel like I'm the one holding everything up, and there is very little I can do about it. I moved on a little bit after my last cycle. I don't know what it was, but I let go of something. This cycle has been easier. I'm not tracking absolutely everything. I'm temping, but I only used opks when I felt like it and I'm not tracking any symptoms. I have stopped taking so many supplements. I'm down to just two that I actually think do me some good. It's given me some room to breathe. I think it's given R some space too. You can't let it take over your life, even if you NEED to track the way so many of us actually do. You've been through a lot in the last six months. Sometimes you just have to give yourself a break.
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